now i can say goodbye

on this momentous day, as i think back to all that has happened in the past 364 days, i can't help but appreciate this truly eye-opening-life-changing year.

early last year, i told myself that the year i turn 25, i HAVE TO see the world and go to europe. i wanted to do something life changing. and i did. last year, i left.

january 2008 - i was in uk and belgium
february 2008 - i was in uk and scotland
march 2008 - i was in uk and ireland
april 2008 - back in uk
may 2008 - back in malaysia. started an exciting job. a job i believe, i grew up for.
june ... july ... august ... septemeber right up till today, the last day of the year, the year has been a roller coaster.

i would like to think i discovered a little more about who i really am this year.

i realized and found the job of my dreams. i grew up writing. writing comes naturally. but i always thought i wanted to conquer the world. working in an MNC, i realized that world domination is not for me. while there are certain thrills and challenges i love, in climbing the corporate ladder and fighting your way to the top, i discovered that maybe, that's not what i really want from life. because at the end of the long and tough climb up the glittering ladder [it's not so glittery when you're on it], what do i get? a fat paycheque, yes, but then? what else?

maybe i'm a more down-to-earth person. i enjoy solitude [in fact, sometimes i really rather be left alone]. i like curling up with a good book. a quiet dinner with friends and loved ones. the simple joys of life. sure, i love what money can buy, but ... i think i cherish the finer things of life more.

so yes, after a total career shift, i find the job i was literally groomed for. writing. it's challenging enough as it is a field i have no interest or inclination for [golf?!?!] yet it allows me freedom of creativity and expression. i get to meet people once in a while when i'm in a socializing mood. and i get to withdraw into my imaginary world when i want and need to. i can boldly declare that i go to work because i want to. i stay in a job i love and want, not a job i have to, to make ends meet. i chose passion over material gain.

the challenges and reality of life and its fragility stared me in the face too. with dad's health, it brought a much needed dose of wake-up-call. "treasure those around" has never seemed more real a phrase to me.

family wise, having traveled to the other side of the world, i also discovered that i'm a home girl at heart. i love being near loved ones. i love knowing i can see them when i want to. and i love being able to be here for them when need be.

while there's still a remnant of wanderlust left in me, for now, it's enough.

one day, i'll venture further and see the Big Apple. in fact, one day, i might even consider leaving this city that is the epitome of life, vibrancy, young blood and passion. but for now, it's enough.

so i think, i finally can make my peace with 2008.

you've been great to me. and i think i've gotten the most out of you.

so 2009, let's see what you've got.

08/09/08/09/08/09

i.am.actually.panicking.

i really am.

where did the year go??

i feel like i'm floating .... everything feels odd. surreal.

i clearly remember counting down to 2008, watching the fireworks in london. and now there are just 2 days left of 2008. how can it be???!?!?!?!

hold on.

i'm not ready. or am i??

i thought i was ready. wasn't i? if i were, why am i hyperventilating? why is my heart beat double the usual? why am i writing incoherent thoughts down? why am i babbling??

i'm gasping for breath. my heart is going at a 1000 miles per second. i'm ... trying to breathe.

oh dear. wait!! why am i NOT ready for 2009? wasn't i? i like the idea of a brand new year. i like the idea of an unknown. it's supposed to be exciting. it's going to be a GREAT year! so why am i stalling?

i actually feel like grabbing the hems of 2008 [if it's wearing a skirt] and not letting go. hey. 2008 was great. but ... oh ... well .... wait!!!

ok. wait!

i guess i'm not ready.

darn.

of what world do i live in?

in this world, you see only the young and the beautiful. the rich and the glamourous. art is lived.

nothing is ostentatious. everything is extraordinary. the newly-rich, the old-moneyed families. the more outrageous, the better known you will be. the world is your playground. frivolity is celebrated. vanity, a necessity. life is a fantasy waiting to be re-created. people mingle, breezing in and out, talking but never connecting. seeing but never looking. there, but never completely with you.

in another world, the children run barefoot. skin browned from being under the sun, they dive into rivers, colour of the mud. swimming, cavorting, laughing and singing. with only the barest of necessities, they live a life of simplicity.

the whole, live a life of gratitude, the disabled, a life of contentment. tattered clothes, worn-out shoes and hand-me-downs received with glee. joy and delight, an expression of love. hope and sincerity, forever a gift.

as i tried to sleep, i wondered which world is real. with only 3 days left in the year, i can't but wonder where i stand.

the first or the latter? i've been in both.

i remember the times i went on missionary trips. sleeping on hardwood floors, walking endlessly under the harsh sun, bathing in cold water, riding on the backs of open lorries. thailand ... philippines ... and outskirt cities i have no names for.

a 12-hour ferry trip to islands. bumpy rides through village and cities. orphanages, old folks homes. shelters for the destitutes, homes for the infected. people and faces. hands i've touched.

i remember too another crowd. softly playing music. perfectly tuned lighting. an ambience created. enhanced and perfected. chandeliers, canapes, champagne and crystals. diamonds and dresses sparkle. men in impeccably tailored suits. the subtly glamourous. the wildly outrageous stylists. faces and names. i've stood and also touched.

sometimes i wonder.

to choose to live in the latter, what did i hope to achieve? honour? a sense of achievement? or lifelong gratitude owed? a calling to serve and to bring hope? a legacy lived perhaps.

to live in the first, what would i achieve? hobnobbing with the rich? an entry into 'the world'? a lifetime of masquerade. a destiny of pretenses.

which world is real?

which world is grace?

mutant mozzies

i seriously think that kl [or rather, my house] is under invasion - the attack of mutant mosquitoes. serious.

two nights ago, i awoke in the middle of the night because i felt mozzies around. considering i sleep in an air-condtioned room, the mozzies shouldn't be there. anyway, the past two evenings, trying to read in my room proved to be an effort in futility.

those pesky things don't seem to leave. tired of slapping at them, i tried dousing my room with Ridsect. either the insecticides nowadays are watered down or mozzies have mutated to become insecticide-resistant.

they don't die!!!

i sprayed nearly a quarter of the can in the room, closed the door and thought that the mozzies would suffocate and die, but they didn't. I WOULD have suffocated with the amount i sprayed. but still i saw a few strong ones flying around.

these must be mutant-insecticide-and-repellant-resistant mozzies.

lucky me

mouse hunt

being on holiday, i try to sleep in. the good news is, i get to wake up anytime i want, and not to the rude intrusion of the alarm. the bad news is, it's causing havoc on my sleeping time. i dread tuesday, when i have to start work, because i know i'll wake up horribly horribly zombie-like and hating mornings.

anyway, this morning, sounds of banging and chairs scraping across the floor woke me from my dreams. i'm a light sleeper. sounds wake me. i even heard the tinkling of my piano. i was instantly awake. wondering who was playing with my piano, i wandered out groggily and peeked down. i mean, i wasn't in a state suitable to meet people so instead of actually going downstairs, i peeked.

and i saw a funny sight. dad and sis pushing chairs around and poking about underneath the piano. from the snippets of their conversation, i guessed that they were either looking for a mouse or a cockroach. most probably a mouse. surely not that much trouble for a cockroach.

anyway, deciding that a mouse wasn't that interesting, i crawled back underneath my comforters and went back to sleep.

how nice ....


ps. a day later, i found out they were looking for a bird. not a mouse.

christmas it is

christmas is here and soon over. the one day i look forward to and wait all year long for.

christmas eve this year was one of the best. i spent the day with myself, shopping to my heart's content and to my bank account's horror. i went home around dinner time with aching feet and bags full of goodies [for myself and loved ones. yes yes].

as i wondered whether to go out and meet various friends or stay home, i thought about what christmas is all about. i had the options of,

1 - going to a hip and happening place - get drunk and be merry, whiling the night away, ending up with nothing and no real point
2 - meeting some friends for dinner
3 - going to church
4 - dinner with parents

number 4 was impromptu. as i was wondering what to do for the night [christmas eve in malaysia is mad. EVERYONE goes out. streets are jammed. clubs and hot spots are open well into the night, unlike UK].

anyway, yeah. as i was wondering whether to go out and blast the night away, i saw mum and dad at home. they haven't had dinner and they had decided on a simple dinner as they knew all 3 of us would be out. and i just felt like taking them to dinner. a quiet, nice and true christmas dinner.

surprisingly, they were up for it [despite dad not feeling well], even joking that it might be impossible to get a place as it was christmas eve and it was bound to cost a lot. and my heart melted a little. yeah. this is what i want.

not loud music. not crazy drinking. not even time with other people.

we went for a very nice dinner. we had fun talking, or not talking. and it was just ... beautiful.

24122008, thank you.

everytime now

now everytime i chew on my straw, i'm going to think of you. yes. it's a bad habit of mine - i chew on my straws. but only while drinking. not before and not, god forbid, after the drink.

but anyway, like i said, now everytime i chew on my straw, i'm going to think of you. just because you commented on it. just because you told me not to. yet you later drank from the same straw.

now everytime i go to that little-something-place, i'm going to think of you. how you recited and repeated your orders just so i'd get it right. maybe you knew my brain wouldn't be able to process your one-hundred-and-one-very-specific requests at that hour of the morning. you made me repeat after you. funny. but it's ok because it left me with a warm and fuzzy feeling.

now everytime i go to that little-something-place, i'm going to think of you. how i turned around and saw you there. you stood and waited for me. you didn't know. you probably will never know, my heart leaped a little at that sight. it flipped and fluttered, refusing to settle. i don't think it ever will.

the look on your face. the way you stood. totally charming. absolutely heart-breaking.

now everytime i see that car, i'm going to think of you. imprinted on my mind, the very special registration plate. i'm going to remember how we cruised around. i'm going to remember how you let me drive. then gave me a lecture on road safety. yes i know, you. lectured. me.

now everytime i catch a glimpse of a grey men's shirt, i'm going to think of you.

now everytime i see that pack of red and gold, i'm going to think of you.

now everytime i place my order, i'm going to think of you.

now everytime i wake ....

now everytime i breathe ....

now everytime i drink ....

now everytime i sleep ....

i'm going to think of you.

someday i'll tell my children about our many adventures.

but now, everytime.

everytime, now ....

i'm just going to think of you.

materials materials

* a very frivolous entry

ok. christmas is 4 days away.

whilst many of the things i really, seriously want for christmas are immaterial, since i'm quite bored now, i thought of putting together a christmas material-wish-list.

so here they are ....















but on a more serious note ....

i want my family this christmas, today, tomorrow and as long as possible.
i want Him.
i want life to the fullest.

冬至

today, according to the chinese lunar calendar, is 冬至 [Dōngzhì Festival or Winter Solstice Festival]. it is one of the most important festivals to the chinese. traditionally, it is a time when familes get together.

during these get togethers ,members of the family make and eat 湯圓 [tong yuin]. they are glutinuous rice flour, sometimes brightly coloured, made into little balls, which symbolize reunion. everyone's supposed to receive at least one large tong yuin in addition to smaller ones. these little flour balls may be plain or stuffed and are cooked in a sweet soup or savoury broth with both the ball and the soup/broth served in one bowl.

last night, one of my aunts who live in the city came over with grandma and cousin. they rolled coloured flour into little balls which everyone [except me] then ate. personally, i never was able to stomache the flour-y taste. so i actively participated by looking on and snapping pics. haha.

anyway, reunion.

that's what it's about and i definitely am keeping my fingers crossed for many more years of this to come.

my fairyland

dreamcatcher ... it is not







this is where i secretly want to live in .... and yes you can come visit anytime

goodbye already

as much as i'd like to, i can't hold back time.

as much as i'd like to, i can't peek ahead either.

time move on. people change. after the whirl of events and choices, wrong turns and right steps, what remain is just a flicker of dust; perchance a memory, perhaps a touch of nostalgia.

maybe it's december.

maybe it's just the emotional me.

but as we stand on the brink of the old and the new, as millions do, i can't help but reminisce.

last year today, i was on the plane to UK. this year today, my desk is littered with articles to be proofread and rushed off for print tomorrow. i'm at work and elbow-deep in it.

how much can a year change? how different can we be?

very much indeed by the look of things.

am i wiser? am i stronger? did i move ahead? or have i fallen behind?

have i learned from my mistakes or am i stubbornly refusing to budge from what i know is wrong?

am i closer to You or have i, in the search for what's right and wrong, side stepped the boundaries and crossed over?

we like to think that maturity comes with age. we like to think that time makes us wiser.

are we being delusional or are we just subconsciously refusing to remove those rose-colour-tinted-glasses?

because as i look back and as i look ahead, i don't see how a difference in number makes the road clearer.

murky, foggy and daunting, the road ahead still seem to be.

i may soar. i may trip and i may fall.

moments of euphoria - pure, unadulterated glimpses of joy and delight.
moments of pain - scraped and bruised from the attacks of that thing called life.

tears wept.
fears conquered.
moments celebrated.

i see it all.

and so i'll say, ok. 2008, i love you. but goodbye for now.

by the way....

have been disconnected from the world the past few days. there was an unexplained issue with the company's server/router/modem/cables. us being writers, artists and generally creative people, we had no idea what was wrong. took us three days to get the right people to turn up and sort the problem out. finally had it righted yesterday around 4pm.

this morning, coming to work, i was thinking, finally, i can get some work done. write. read. get online and feel alive.

on the way here, i did what i usually do, which is to call up this restaurant a few doors away and order my usual breakfast [white coffee iced and toast]. they'll make it and deliver it just as i reach the office, saving me the hassle of walking over and waiting for the food [it's called efficiency, not laziness].

but this morning, the lady [who knows me by name. yeah and that shocked my colleagues because they were like "who else in this row of shops do you know?" haha]. anyway, the lady was like "grace, there's no electricity. we can't make toast"

indeed. upon arriving 3 mins later, i discovered the office in darkness. i'm usually the first/second to arrive. we called the tech guys again. apparently, some cable/wiring was stolen/cut, plunging the entire row of shops into darkness and an electricity-deprived-state.

great. internet back on. but no electricity.

from 9am we waited.

and waited.

and waited.

and then there was light .... at 12pm.

hours wasted : 3
coffee consumed : 3 packs
energy expended [walking around] : uncountable

....

i know you but i don't know you

what else can i do

trying hard

don't want to give up

but what's next

connect to the web

remember how i said my M.E. gave me the task of uploading stuff and maintaining the 'features' part of our magazine's website?

well. lo and behold, despite my detest for it, my numerous fumblings and attempts, i successfully uploaded and did what i had to.

in fact, it 'looked' so well put together that he has now decided i do the 'news' and 'products' too.

oh god.

what utter horror.

why

people always ask 'why'.

when things happen, or when things don't happen, the first question people ask is why. why me. why now. why this. why not that.

i could ask why. but would it help? would it make a difference?

of course, when confronting facts, 'why' is a question we have to ask. but when confronted with circumstances, 'why' rarely ever mean anything.

if i wanted to ask, i could wonder to no end. why is this happening to him. why is this happening to us. why now. why couldn't we catch it earlier. why must we go through so much.

maybe i'm too independent. too realistic sometimes. it could be good. it could also not be.

because i've stopped asking why a long time ago. i don't even ask Him why. because i know.

i know that whatever happens, it would already be a fact. and asking why doesn't change the fact that it is real. i could rant and rave. demand an answer for what i consider unjust or difficult. but then what?

asking Him why is not the answer.

instead, i rather just ask for strength to face the facts.

i ask for His hands to hold me when i feel like breaking down.

i ask that He remind me of His promises when I can't see an end to the pain.

i ask for wisdom to do what's best. i ask for understanding to see the truth.

i remind myself of who He is. everlasting. faithful. true.

He won't lie. He won't change.

and then i can go on.

so that is why i never ask why

13 and counting

have been so tired, christmas doesn't seem to feel like christmas.

the past few years, around this time, i'd be busy shopping, looking at gifts and eating. christmas cakes. log cakes. fruit cakes. caramelized apples. toffee nut lattes. turkey .... red, green, tinsel and glitter. i'd be taking everything in.

but not this year.

i'm a light sleeper. usually, no matter how tired or asleep i am, i can hear when my brother, sister or parents come home.

lately though, i've been so sound asleep, i have no idea when they get in. i definitely give 'crashing into bed' a new meaning. i think i'm exhausted physically [running around], mentally [the magazine] and emotionally [dealing with mum, docs and everyone else drains].

it's the 13th day.

how much longer....

nonsense redefined

i tried. i really tried.

i'm just not a tech person. this morning, i decided it was time to face the monsters head on. the papers have been peeking at me for 3 days, taunting and daring me, as if they knew i couldn't handle cyberspace.

i couldn't hide them under stacks of magazine anymore. they invaded my space, messed up my racks and just stubbornly refused to go away, no matter how i wished they would. i had to deal with it.

and so i did.

and yucks.

just looking at them gave me a literal headache and i felt like throwing up. this must be what stage fright feels like.

tentatively, i picked up the sheaves of papers i was supposed to upload into that unknown-cyber-space-out-there. holding the papers, i wondered if i could just pull open some 'drawer like' space in the CPU and chuck them in. that'd be more my definition of efficiency.

but ok. here goes. i spent 3 minutes pulling up the website that was to allow us to get into and edit the public site and i spent another 3 minutes trying to recall what it was called. a dummy site, that's it [and i totally agree, dummy indeed].

anyway, faced with the maze of icons and different pages to navigate, i just sat and stared for another 2 minutes.

after a very deep breath, i began to click on what seemed to make sense to me. come on, i'm a writer. i can read. surely it can't be too difficult. i'll just follow whatever it says. and click yes/no. simple right?

nope. i did what seemed logical, painfully going step by step, avoiding wrong clicks and doubtful icons. i stayed away from gibberish and i still got this -

Runtime Error
Description: An application error occurred on the server. The current custom error settings for this application prevent the details of the application error from being viewed remotely (for security reasons). It could, however, be viewed by browsers running on the local server machine.
Details: To enable the details of this specific error message to be viewable on remote machines, please create a tag within a "web.config" configuration file located in the root directory of the current web application. This tag should then have its "mode" attribute set to "Off".






Notes: The current error page you are seeing can be replaced by a custom error page by modifying the "defaultRedirect" attribute of the application's configuration tag to point to a custom error page URL.


bla bla bla. that's not english!

when that popped up, my mind went blank. it's ridiculous. i can handle languages well. lines upon lines of legal jargons are surmountable. tomes of the queen's english; not a problem. but those few lines????

ok. time for lunch.

ps: i'm a really simple girl. maybe ancient. maybe even [god forbid] archaic. but i definitely prefer certain aspects of the bygones.

hyperblogged

sorry. another entry but i've GOT to write this down. i can't stand this.

i still have a few articles to finish off but being in my emotional state of mind, i didn't really feel like writing so i surfed most of the morning away [yes, i may be a tech noob but i'm good at surfing].

and i realized, oh my god. i think asia [malaysia, singapore, indonesia and hk in particular] is turning into hyperblogged-land. a land of bimbos. a fantasy utopia of decadence.

did you know that i've actually been to events where people introduce some as, "oh, she/he's a blogger". as if that's a job! and YES! there ARE people who claim to be full-time bloggers and that's all they do. i also had friends confiding to me how they detest people who come to their boutiques and restaurants [yes, my friends are entrepreneurs] and claim they're bloggers and therefore deserve a diva treatment otherwise .... they'll 'bad write' them. oh come on! grow up please.

i've noticed this trend last year but upon returning this year, it has escalated to an out-of-proportion-and-control state. this morning, looking at the amount of blogs, nonsensical blogs full of pop-up stuff and advertised to death, i can't help but grimace.

somewhere, some time ago, advertisers and marketing wizards decided to tap into this blogging business and pay people to put ads and write about their products. naive and clueless us [human beings] who have been craving the 5 minutes fame and a poke at limelight snatched up the opportunites for money and publicity. and now, blogs run rampant.

true. there are definitely great blogs where i visit and read because i find their style of writing truly refreshing and ingenius.

but there are also babblings and ramblings that are just a disgrace to the beauty called language and art. and some! the more ridiculous and obscene pictures you put up, the more hits you get. or, the bitchier and more 'gossipy' you are, the more advertisers pay you. i can easily name 5 off the top of my head now. and just thinking about the page makes me dizzy [and no, i'm not going to mention them by name because i do not want them hyperlinked to me].

yes. to each its own.

who am i to judge a person's fantasy and definition of style but where is the balance?

for you

i took the tree down
i'm putting up the lights
turning it on,
i'm letting it twinkle

come home now ....

i'll hold the stars till
balls and glass aglitter
reflect the tears spill
keep my heart still

come home now ....

christmas is here
the season of my heart
this year i'm home
when will you be...?

auld lang syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind ?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o' lang syne ?

For auld lang syne, my jo,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
And surely ye’ll be your pint-stowp !
And surely I’ll be mine !
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pu’d the gowans fine ;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary foot,
Sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl’d i' the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine ;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere !
And gie's a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll tak a right gude-willy waught,
For auld lang syne

mary or martha

i've always been a martha. i wish i was a mary.

in general terms, i'm task-oriented. very very.

in fact, i think i'm super martha. give me a job, a task, and i'll get them all done. i can organize anything. i plan. i delegate. i sort things out. that's me. i'll study. i'll read up on something. i'll make sure everything is done. i even think ahead to make things easier.

my brain won't stop thinking about a matter until it's completed. of course, my former employers love that about me. they know that i'll make sure whatever they want done will be, in the shortest time possible.

even at home, i'm like that. my brother and sister, they're the total opposite.

like now. despite my concern and love for my parents, i'm restless until i get everything done. my sister can sit with my parents for hours, doing nothing, without a care. i wish i could. but i can't. i will sit and stay, for a maximum of maybe 5-6 hours. and even during then, my brain will be planning what to do when i get home. the thousand and one things to do. what mum and dad will need. what i can get for them. how to make things more convenient. when. what. how. where. even my tomorrows are mapped out.

i really sometimes wish i can be mary. more like my sister. i wish i can leave things be and just .... sit. i mean, the mountain of clothes will still be here tomorrow. the dishes aren't going to rot if left in the sink. things don't have to be clean and shiny do they? i try. really tried to leave things as they are. tried to just not be so ... meticulous. so orderly. so .... whatever.

even at His feet. i stay, but only up to a point because i'll start feeling restless. i'll start planning. i'll start thinking.

yes yes i know. we need both types of people in the world. we can't all be like my sister. we can't all be like me. but sometimes ... i wish i'm not so conscientious.

can we change who we are by nature?

should we?

it's sympathy, not empathy until ....

i believe in dreams. i believe in maybes. i believe in hope.

i've always been a ... compassionate person. when i see people in pain, i hurt. i feel for them. that's why i never chose to become a doctor. i knew i wouldn't be able to detach myself. watching people struggle makes me cry. until now, i can't look at needles, blood and tubes without feeling as if something is wrenching my heart out. sure, i can be there for him/her, but i will also feel the pain literally.

so yesterday i was thinking, you don't know and you can't know until it is personal.

that's why they say sympathy and empathy are two different things.

now i know.

....

it was us
family refined
i remember when
i remember then

tell me if
tell me maybe
tell me a story
just of ever afters

oh love, tell me this....

tell me this.

how much do you take before you say no. how long before you throw in the towel and say, that's it. enough of this. no more.

how do we not go back, again and again, to that which damages, hurts and breaks. when do we draw the line? tolerance and being walked over; is there a line? if so, tell me where it is.

yes, love is giving secrificially. but when it becomes being taken for granted, is it still love? i'm not talking about family bonds here. if it were that, then i would say that when it comes to immediate family, there's no clear line. you just give. you just love.

i'm talking about that elusive notion we call love. that ideal we all want. that dream we all chase after.

how long do we love before we say that's enough, i have no more to give?

me the tech-noob

never put me and gadgets together.

i'm the official tech-noob of the family. even among my friends. gadgets and i are not friends. i have a relatively-smart cell phone and that's about it. i don't want a personal laptop because i find connection, compatibility, network keys and bla bla bla a foreign language. it's not english. it doesn't answer when i ask questions. it doesn't explain when i don't know what to do. i don't like them. they're not friendly at all. so just give me a computer ALREADY connected and i will go from there. i don't do 'settings' and 'control panel' well. i don't like jargons. i call my brother when something doesn't blink [on the router/modem/server or whatever]. i don't understand these aliens. i don't want to.

in fact, just now, while looking at some online catalogues with my colleague, instead of asking if the model was a blackberry lookalike, the word that came to mind was blueberry. so i blurted out if the phone was a blueberry lookalike. see?!?!?it establishes the fact that i'm not a tech person at all. i think of blueberries.

so now, imagine my horror when my M.E. assigned me to maintain the 'features' part of our website. oh.my.god. what am i supposed to do with those things.

i took basic computing class in college but that was yearssssssss ago and basic means basic. i don't like click-this-click-that, yes-no, confirm-accept icons. i don't like icons period. i hate uploading stuff. i like hard copies, things i can touch. i hate soft copies of anything. yes they're convenient. call me ancient, but i like things i can hold. i don't read online. i hate pdf anything. i like the feel of books in hand. and now i have to upload AND maintain a part of the website??? how am i supposed to get these articles into that place??? how to edit. resize. format. convert. oh yucks. just thinking about them makes me nauseous.

i know. i know. we've got to step out of our comfort zones. master new skills. but this!! oh. how i hate it.

why oh why!?!?! why me!!! god sure has a questionable sense of humour.

our name

was browsing through my brother's posts and suddenly saw someone addressing him as Mr.Lai ....

of course, that, he is. but reality hits. i mean, we're all used to my dad being Mr.Lai. and the three of us are ... grace, kit and joanne. being 'kids' we were never addressed by our surnames so formally.

and then i was thinking, we really leave behind many things don't we?
our name. legacy. heritage. more than just a name, it's who we are. it's our reputation. some say they don't care what people think about them. reputation is nothing. they don't live by what others dictate. true.

but i also disagree. it's all a part of integrity and trust. it's who you are. who people can trust in. who people can depend upon. who people can turn to.

"a good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth"

we leave behind our names. a memory of who we are. that, is our name.

let's talk normal

yes, let's talk normal.

yesterday, i had to drop by one of those major bookstores to return some books our magazine was reviewing. i was tired, sleepy and distracted. while waiting for the sales attendant to check out the appropriate forms [it seemed to take a hundred years. i was quite annoyed but kept my peace]. i closed my eyes and let my mind wander.

suddenly, a lady in black strode in and slammed some papers and her bag on the desk. she yelled at one of the staff, demanding this and that. apparently, she hasn't received a card she was supposed to have received and thus she just stormed in and yelled. it didn't matter that it wasn't that particular girl's fault. to her, she said "it's not my fault is it? it's your bla bla bla bla". i kept my eyes closed and tried not to listen but she wasn't being discreet at all. in fact, she was bent on creating a scene. she never gave the poor girl a chance to explain nor rectify the matter. she just yelled, grabbed her things and walked back out. obviously, she wasn't planning on getting her 'card'. she just wanted someone to yell at.

and i was thinking. is yelling a way of de-stressing?

i mean, to me, yelling IS tiring. you have to raise your voice. you strain your vocal chords. you have to formulate the correct words. sure, i ... 'debate' a lot, especially with close ones. but the way she was, it was more of an accusation - unreasonable. ugly. very degrading.

people tend to yell when they think that they're not being heard. when they think their wishes are ignored, intentions misunderstood and when they're frustrated. amazing how analytical i am now. but when you add in a good dose of temper, all things change. conversations and communication become a yelling match. a place to vent.

it seems like nowadays, either people communicate through tech, ie, email, sms, online msgs or not at all. maybe because in that way, when what you say is not agreeable, you can be 'deleted' and 'ignored'. i hate it when people leave things unresolved.

can't people reason like adults anymore? do people still talk? or has it been reduced to just this?

perspective

since i'm grasping for some semblance of normalcy, i'll do what i do best/most - analyze.

i once read that to avoid having negativity cloud our judgement and vision at difficult times, it's best to do 'normal' things. go about your day as usual. live.

but still,

sometimes, i wish i could just close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep, hoping that when i wake up, everything will be fine again. we will go on with our lives as usual. we will go for our usual dinners [which i usually force everyone into]. we will come home to mum and dad watching tv as usual. we will hear the usual noise and even quarrels at home. i will see mum and dad cooking. i will hear mum and dad talking. and when i come home late, i'll still see dad waiting up for me. i wish i could run away and come back to normalcy.

sometimes, for a very very brief moment, pain grips my heart and i fear the worst. of course i push all such thoughts away but being who i am, i've questioned all the doctors enough to know the extent of the condition. i've also read enough to know the risks. maybe it's sometimes better to be more like my sister. at least, the struggle for oblivion isn't that constant.

sometimes, i know that everything will be alright. i remember His promises. i remember what He told me. i remember He loves my dad more than anyone of us could. i know that He, despite everything, holds my dad in His hands. and i breathe again.

sometimes, i wish for denial. i wish for oblivion. i wish for avoidance. i wish for irresponsibility.

and then i remember, i can't hold it all. perspective is what i need.

thailand ... people there are suffering.
mumbai ... people there are dying.
some states in malaysia are flooded.
around me, friends are also going through various difficult situations.

so yes ... life...?

this is life. this is reality.

yes, i know all things pass. no one lives forever.

but not yet. not now.

watch and wait

i really don't want to talk.

how do you put the entirety of what you feel into words, mere words? i have always loved words but compared to the depth of emotions in me now, words are, at times like these, grossly inadequate.


daily, i watch.

i watch him who used to be so strong struggle just to drink.

i watch him who used to be infallible, lay and sleep the day away.

i look at the hands that held me up when i fell down.

i look at the hands that once were sturdy, full of life.

the hands that now look thin and frail.

i watch. and wait.

that's all there is.

just watching

you know what the most painful thing in the world is?

it is watching someone you love go through pain, yet not be able to do anything about it.

it is watching someone you love confused and lost, yet not be able to relieve them of it.

it is knowing that you are not able to give the person you love everything they want.

it is knowing the pain that is coming, yet not be able to prevent it.

it is waiting.

it is letting go.

parents. children. lovers. friends.

that sort of pain is unbearable. that sort of pain shouldn't be.

for me, i much rather just take the pain upon myself.

if i could, i would take on the pain. the discomfort. the unease. the worries.
it doesn't matter if i can't.
i so rather do that than watch the one i love go through it.

song

God Help the Outcast, from The Hunchback of Notre Dame

* one of my fave songs

I don't know if you can hear me, or if you're even there.
I don't know if you will listen to a humble prayer.
They tell me I am just an outcast, I shouldn't speak to you...
Still I see your face, and wonder, were you once an outcast too?

God help the outcasts, hungry from birth.
Show them the mercy they don't find on Earth.
The lost and forgotten, they look to you still.
God help the outcasts, or nobody will.

I ask for nothing, I can get by.
But I know so many less lucky than I.
God help the outcasts, the poor and downtrod.
I thought we all were the children of God.

I don't know if there's a reason;
why some are blessed, some not.

God help the outcasts, the tattered, the torn.
Seeking an answer to why they were born.
Winds of misfortune have blown them about.
You made the outcasts, don't cast them out.

The poor and unlucky, the weak and the odd.
I thought we all were the children of God.

let me cry

weep for you
if only i could, i would.

people don't want to cry. i know.

in the entire year, i have not wept. cried, yes. over movies. music. books. or people. but really, i long to weep.

there's just something very cleansing about tears. no no, i'm not mad. try to understand from my point of view.

there's a reason why they say 'an outpouring of tears'. there's such a release when one weeps. man or woman, tears are not a sign of weakness. as Irving wisely put it, “There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.”

of course, i DON'T WANT anything bad to happen but i feel stuck. blocked. stuffed up.

He wept.
jeremiah lamented.
hannah felt deep sorrow.
daniel cried out.
david grieved.

weep for you
if only i could, i would.

on drawing blood

i took the day off, not for fun [i wish i did though], but to take dad and mum for their health check up and blood tests. i know. odd that i actually have to take the day off to do it. BUT. dad is a stubborn man. very stubborn. he declares that he doesn't believe in 'western medicine' and thus, even when sick, rarely goes to the doc. so anyway, he has been having certain symptoms lately and having put if off a month, i knew i had to, as my sis puts it, literally drag my dad to the clinic. yes yes, i'm an agressive girl. anyway, since i can't very well tie dad up and put him in the car, i blackmailed him, well sort of.

i told him i was going to take the day off and not go to work. IF he doesn't go to the clinic with me, then i would have taken the day off for nothing and that wouldn't go well with him. my dad, being a very firm believer of reponsibility, integrity and etc, wouldn't let me 'not go to work' for nothing.

so we went to the lab.

i listened [dad HAD to pick an early appointment] half asleep as the consultant explained the various 'packages'. i thought to myself, how ironic. i mean, we're not here to shop! obviously we're only at a blood-test lab due to unwanted circumstances and there she was, going on and on about package A, B or C; the difference being the amount of tests, the types of scans and stuff. half asleep, i let dad picked whichever, as long as it included a blood test. we settled for a full blood test with everything - X-Ray, scan this and that ....

watching the girl draw blood, literally, jolted me awake and i thanked god i didn't have to do it. crazy me. but i don't think i'd enjoy having my blood sucked out like that.

in the doctor's room, i practically interrogated the doctor, asking this and that. causes. symptoms. effects. results. why. so? how. then? haha. good thing the doctor was a very kind man.

results out on friday .....

seriously

in the past few days,

i coloured my hair.
i slept most of my weekend away (first in an entire month)!!!
i made up my mind. or, i hope so.

at times i wonder, who does He want us to be? what does He want from us? what's all this about?

i used to have such quick answers. quick. cut and dry answers.
fulfill your purposes. serve. minister. work. give and etc.

true, they're right of course but are they all?

i think that i've come to see that really, He's not that cut and dry. if He were so, our faith would be quite a sad thing indeed. surely there's more. surely there has to be a wider expanse. a deeper experience. something beyond. something we don't know. to know it all would defy the need for an ongoing relationship.

if we could really sum it all up, wouldn't that make Omnipotent and Omniscient not so 'Omni'?

there'll never be a "that's it. i'll just live like this FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE" conclusion. it shouldn't be because,

there's always something more.

there's always something just beyond our grasp, tantalizing; just there.
we see it. we try to reach it and that's how we keep going on for more.

while i'm at it

since i have a window of 3-uninterrupted-minutes, will attempt this.

1) Real name : Grace Lai
2) Nicknames : gracie
3) Married : not yet
4) Zodiac sign : the one which stings
5) Gender : female
6) Age : 25
7) High School : pess
8) College : a few
9) Height : 5'3
10) Weight : no idea. don't want to know. haha
11) Do you like yourself : very well, yes
12) Piercings : yes
13) Right or left : left
14) Are you a freak : nope
15) Hair : black
16) Skin : tan
17) Allergic : to nonsense, ridiculous-ness and hypocrites
18) What are you doing now : thinking of food and work
19) What will you do 1 hour later : read
20) What will you do 10 years later : fly

The Family
21) Live with mother/ father/ parents : all
22) Siblings (including you) : 3
23) Eldest : me
24) Youngest : sis
25) Love/ hate your family : love hate. haha but usually love wins

The Love
26) Found your other half : he's still somewhere out there. haha. no
27) If yes who is she/ he : tell me
28) If no who do you want him/ her to be : someone amazing
29) Time(s) you been in a relationship : 1
30) Ever woo boy/ girl : no
31) Anyone woo you before : er, yea?
32) Did anything wrong to your other half : all the time. haha. no, not really all
33) What was/ were the wrong that you had done : wink
34) Ever argue with your other half : countless times
35) You with your other half since : school
36) Are you straight/ lesbo : very straight
37) Reasons you love your other half : tell you when i find him
38) You and your other half in which stage : no stage yet
39) You woo she/ he or he/ she woo you : i'm getting lazy with this
40) ever think of marry she/ he : pls get the english right. haha

The Friends
41) Your first best friend : joanne tan
42) Your first enemy : forgot
43) The friend you love the most : i love them all
44) The enemy you hate the most : a waste of my time
45) Your most beautiful girl friend : can't think now
46) Your most handsome boy friend : also can't think now
47) The kind of girl you hate the most : hypocrites, schemers, manipulative ppl
48) The kind of boy you hate the most : shallow guys
49) You fall in love with your close friend before : nope
50) Your best friend is your ex-lover : let me think .... hahaha
51) If your friend backstabbing you : wouldn't be my friend then
52) If your friend betray you : i don't control other ppl's choices
53) If your friend love your lover : choice. choice. choice
54) If your friend fall in love with you : do i love him?
55) If you fall in love with your best friend : i don't think i will

The Studies
56) Are you a good student : studious yes
57) You always done your homework/ assignments : always
58) The teacher/ tutor love you most : any maths teacher
59) Always late to school/ college : nope
60) Your class : what about it
61) You love your seniors : yeah
62) Senior who love you the most : no such thing
63) Your classmates good/ bad : there's a balance
64) Excellent result classmates : hello. i'm 25 already
65) Laziest classmate :

The People
66) Smart people : with vision
67) Stupid people : without vision
68) Good looking people : ppl with pure hearts
69) Ugly people : manipulative ones
70) Funny people : funny
71) Cute people : children
72) Bad people : ... hmmmm.... look in the papers i guess
73) Honest people : love them
74) Acting people : acting??? you mean, pretending
75) What kind of person are you : tell me
76) Lips or eyes : both
77) Hugs or kisses : both
78) Shorter or taller : taller
79) Hesitant or spontaneous : spontaneous
80) Nice stomach or nice arms : doesn't matter
81) Listener or talker : both at the right time
82) Romantic or rich : romance romance
83) Good Husband or good father : both

The Future
84) Age to get married : you tell me
85) Number of kids : any depending on capability
86) Career : loving it
87) Salary : so so
88) Retirement age : when i die
89) Properties value : doesn't bother me
90) Wishes : christmas is coming!!! what do you think??

places where we .... *s*hop

in time

life is hanging by a-very-pretty-piece-of-lace now [oh, haha i don't liken my life to thread, so it's not hanging by a 'thread']. amidst the scatter and clatter, i am offered two very intriguing and attractive offers.

not going to reveal what they are yet but, am seriously considering them.

and if i do somehow, in the end, go for it, then my life would be a story of upheaval all over again. change really seems to be the story of my life.

during lunch, instead of going to eat with the rest of my colleagues, i decided to indulge a little. have been working till nearly 9 every day for the past week so i decided to inject a full stop and exclamation mark into the sentence of my day.

while having my nails done, the girl doing it was telling me about her wedding next April. and i was thinking, another wedding. always someone else's wedding. while i'm happy for her, i'm also ambivalent. she was telling me how her fiance is seven years older [she is 24], and how, yes, even though it's not passionate, exciting, head-over-heels-in-love kind of love, we girls should accept it because we 'have to be' realistic. in translation, she means that despite the lack of spark and giddy feelings, just settle. sigh.

of course, i'm happy for her. really i am. and i admire the fact that she can actually 'settle' for something ... like this. try as i may, i can't seem to.

so anyway, instead of settling, i'm considering these two options. which is the absolute opposite.

haha. stay tuned and see what i choose. in time.

a puff of steam and nothing else

ok. this is strictly work related but i really need to release some tension here.

and gosh, all i seem to write about is work these few days. but it's near dateline [dateline by right, is tomorrow anyway. but we're nowhere done] and the december issue is the bumper issue, yes. it's about 100+ EXTRA pages so imagine the E X T R A work.

have been working till nearly 9 everyday. AND THEN rush home for more work. parents are still happily away. was thinking last night, after dropping onto bed, that right now, it's looking like just work, sleep, work, sleep. not complaining but i'm sure my brain would like some rest time.

anyway, i woke up happy and came to work happily. BUT the advertisors seem bent on wreaking havoc. they keep changing the layout and the text. every single word. every picture. the first 3-5 times they send it back, i'll accept without a word. i understand. but after the 6th time, beware. the worst thing is when after the 1000th change, they decide my first copy is what they want ?!?!?! and that's on top of all the proofreading.

ok. breathe.

i'm fine now.

back to more writing and editing.

who says we don't like flowers?

yes, whoever said that is either, not a girl, or not telling the truth.

we love gifts. we love surprises and even the most .... 'practical' of us girls and women, LOVE flowers [as gifts, not just the ones by the road].

reason i say so is because in the last week alone, i had two lovely friends celebrate their birthdays.

one girl's boyfriend-going-to-be-fiance surprised her with 99 stalks of roses [yes, chinese love the word 99 as it sounds like 'longevity' in cantonese].

another very dear girlfriend's husband surprised her with .... [get ready] 200 stalks of roses. oh my. if i was her, i'd be inconsolable.

what a declaration of love and appreciation.

of course, we're not materialistic. neither are we here to upp-one-another by comparing and going for the i-got-more-than-you attitude but when it comes to gestures like these, nothing is too simple. nothing is too much. nothing is too impractical.

as streisand sings it ... 'you don't bring me flowers ....anymore'

oh and single girls out there, wait. wait. wait. for the best.

yeah it's hard. frustrating and just plain ... exhausting but then, don't we want the best?

working sis it is again

am still at work. am STILL hungry. [8.29pm now]

can i close my eyes, wish hard and have a delicious caesar salad materialize on my table now? right now.

gosh. am going crazy.

still have several articles pending to proofread, re-do layout, proofread and re-do layout.

at the back of my mind, i'm thinking of,

1- lights at home
2- the clothes i dumped into the washing machine this morn [before i rushed off for work] that needs to be taken out to hang [under the moonlight ?!?!?!]
3- oh the dog. our poor dog.
4- mail at home
5- the 2 people [at different venues] i have got to meet after this [for work purposes]

also managed to sweep the foyer floor [leaves and litter] before jumping into car this morn.

where in the world is my bro and sis. and when in the world will my parents be back???

haha ok. laugh grace, laugh.

lost it

i can't believe i completely lost my train of thoughts
i can't remember what it was i wanted to write ....

i was thinking about it last night but working 5 days of a week, and then on both saturday and sunday, i was exhausted upon climbing into bed.

so now.

i really can't remember.

i must have lost my mind

i.am.so.sleepy.

it's saturday and I.AM.AT.WORK!!! getting up at 7.30am this morning was a nightmare.

tell you a secret; every morning, when the alarm rings and i have to get up, i feel like committing suicide. yes. every morning, i contemplate suicide. hahaha. ok. it's not as depressing as it sounds. i love my job. i love life. BUT waking up to the sound of the alarm is just torture. anyway, it rings and vibrates, and i turn over and drop onto the floor [yeah, that's how i get up. i fall down]. then i walk to bathroom with eyes half closed, sees sister already going off for work, grunts and glares at her [not really because it's her, but just because i have to see another being so early in the morning].

so yes, it's saturday and i'm killing time. another half an hour to go before i can leave this fridge i'm sitting in, opps, i mean my office. it's so cold. somehow the air-con vent blows directly at my fingers no matter how i try to get it to swing away.

i planned a day of fun. SUPPOSEDLY going for a nice lunch. then clothes shopping. then book shopping. tea. more shopping. dinner and rest. but now, a total change of plans.

now, my saturday is;

7.30am - 1.30pm : work, or pretend to work till 1.30
1.30pm : rush off for ferrari event [working with a friend]
3pm - 5/6/7pm: work
7pm : rush home [see earlier post for list of work to cram in]
8/9pm - ?!?!?! : meet friends FOR WORK

and tomorrow? nods. work.

how delightful.

working sis

oh no. parents are away for a few days again. some might think it's fun [freedom i guess] but it's not. really. let me tell you why.

parents away = the three of us left at home. namely me, brother and sister.

all three of us work. i'm supposedly the busiest, in the sense that my hours are unpredictable especially during near-dateline-weeks [like these two weeks]. brother works in retail. sister in a 'mall setting' office. so they should be back earlier. come on, malls close at FIXED hours. BUT both brother and sister are sociable creatures, i'm the homebody. they never come home immediately after work whereas i, even though i like going out, i also like going home. and i especially like the quiet of home after a day or writing, talking, smiling, reading and more reading.

anyway, this being so, with parents away, i'll have to rush home every evening to

1 - feed and make sure our dog [who's home alone the whole day] has not died
2 - turn on the lights. otherwise the house will be left in total darkness, not wise
3 - make sure the mountain of clothes do not get higher than mount everest
4 - if it is so, then wash, hang, take in, fold and distribute clothes accordingly [at night!!!]
5 - water and make sure the one thousand and one plants do not wither and die in the few days mum is away
6 - dog litter. you get it.
7 - make sure there's drinking water at home
8 - being the neat freak i am, make sure house is in a reasonable state

ALL THESE to be crammed into the 3-4 hours between the time i get home and go to bed.

i can so imagine the life of a working mum. and single parents.

they are definitely in training to rule the world.

in and never out

it's the time of the month... so much work that is. last night i was at the office till 8pm.

my colleague and i were so hungry, we were bemoaning the fact that kfc does not do delivery. wait, i hate fast food. never eat it but then, at 8 and working, we really didn't want McD again.

anyway, as i was resting [much later], i was thinking, we are so used to conveniences like this that we actually run our lives around them. when i was in the UK, milk, papers, groceries and food are delivered to your doorstep. with internet connection in the house, there really is no need to venture out of the house.

and i was thinking, i'm really going to dread the advances of technology. imagine the day when everybody has ABSOLUTELY NO NEED to leave their own homes. everybody will be indoors .... what utter horror. well for me, it is.

you know, we really should stop being this dependant on i don't know ... conveniences like this?

where's the meaning of life if it all boils down to just that?

it's the heart

generosity.

often, we think only in terms of money. be generous with your money. but that's not all.

lately, certain things have been happening that made me wonder and go, hmmm, maybe there's something i should learn here....

the past few days, things happened that left me with little choice.

i can refuse to budge, be stubborn and yes, have the final say, yet not gain much else. if i choose to not bow to that thing called 'humility' and 'forgiveness', i could perhaps 'look good' but really, then what? most of the times, we want to have the final say. we don't want to say sorry [especially if we were not in the wrong] and we just never want to be the one who offers the olive branch. indeed it is a tough pie to swallow. in fact, i often imagine myself swallowing an egg (whole) in such circumstances. choking indeed.

but if the same set of circumstances keep occuring, i guess i definitely have to admit and go, ok. i get it. i'm supposed to learn something here and i better do so. god only knows how long it'll take if i don't.

i love the chinese word 大方 . it means, generosity of heart. it means grace. it means 'an open heart' literally translated.

we don't always have to have the last word.
we don't always have to be the 'right' one.
we don't always have to have the answers.
we don't always have to wait for the other person to relent.

generosity of heart.

ok.

i get it.

interpret

"the road to hell is paved with good intentions"

a well known and oft-quoted phrase.

at first glance, we usually think that it is a 'negative' quote. the word hell immediately turns us off and some people even skim over it if they ever come across such a phrase.

well, someone used it the other day and i was thinking, perhaps we should really look at that phrase. consider it. there are so many ways to interpret it.

one, we could say that, good intentions are not always what they seem. people may not actually be that ... beneficial.

but we could also look at it from a point where it means that, 'to do good is not always an easy road'. it may seem like a road to 'hell', tough and demanding. but ....

i don't have the answer. but, what i mean is, there are often many different point of views and interpretations. while it may be easy and convenient to just fall back on the general and accepted interpretation, things are not always as they seem.

working that brain may bring a surprise or two.

i want, i want, i want .....

am feeling a little naughty
am feeling a little 'me'
am feeling self indulgent

so i'm going to go ahead and admit it

i want a genie to grant me all my wishes - immediately
i want a dream i can't have [i walked beside the evening shore and dreamed a dream that could not be]
i want a bottomless account for shopping [ok, for myself and loved ones]
i want sage wisdom and less silly mistakes
i want a mazda 5 or 7
i want to live in new york [but not for too long]
i want a christmas tree that will pop up, fully decorated, on its own
i want to fly around the world with loved ones
i want to eat all i want without looking it
i want to paint like van gogh
i want to sing like barbra streisand
i want to look like rachel weisz

haha. ok. enough.

so self-centred i know. even to myself, it's too much. how can i be SO self-centred.

so. ok.

my 2 mins of self indulgence is over.

back to the real world now.

today and today alone

today is a lazy day. a day to rest. a day to recover.

but of course, my brain won't do that. it never does.

lying there, i wondered, what do i want out of life???
time to take stock. but that kind of question annoys. frustrates.

what DO i really want out of life???

career? i had it and i have one i love now.
purpose? i think , yes. i have it
what
what
what else??

and then it hits me.

maybe i'll just change the way i think.

instead of asking what i want out of 'life', i'll just take it little by little. ergo, what do i want out of 'today'. and that's it.

instead of looking at the big picture and always needing to know what, when, where, how and why, i'll do it this way.

what do i want out of today?

that's it. tomorrow will be tomorrow.

feather ... and feather

yesterday, i walked into the bathroom for a shower and saw a feather on the floor.

i was surprised but thought, a careless bird perhaps. in the bathroom - quite weird, but oh well.

today, i saw another feather near my things on the table.

serious. both times. white feather. different types but two days in a row.

the realistic grace goes: it's got to be a bird shedding or something.

the dreamer grace goes: but INSIDE the bathroom and in the house?? two days in a row?

i live in a double storey house and .... the likelihood of birds in the house on the landing, on the second floor is kinda ... odd.

so i wonder, am i supposed to get some kind of divine message??

p.s. i don't think i'm getting it

kill me now

he said that 'iron sharpens iron'.

have you ever worked with people whom you just so want to kill? i really take my hat off to people who are mild-tempered and patient. i mean, yes, i am quite impatient but i would also say i'm a relatively calm person. challenges do not daunt me, difficulties i can face and it generally takes A LOT to stress me out but, it also takes considerably less to get me all riled up and off.

have you ever met those saintly-angelic people who just seem to have a bottomless reserve of patience? they can wait for hours without blinking an eye. they can take all sorts of ridiculous behaviour without getting a single hair out of place. they can smile at the most impossible, unacceptable person and just you know, never seem to be angry, short tempered or annoyed?? i watch these people in amazement and i feel ... dirt-low when i see them. i cringe. how can someone be so perfectly nice???

anyway, having worked for ... 3+(??) years, i've worked with many different types of people. being who i am, i also accept, by now, the fact that not everyone is the same. i can't expect people to react, think or behave the way i want them to [i can pray till he comes but i don't think so] and generally, i let it go and just find ways to change or adapt to the circumstances. BUT there are still instances or people whom i just find it impossible to tolerate. impossible.

i get SO annoyed at such times i just wish i could kill them off. haha. ok. maybe not literally but metaphorically. words i never ever use come to mind. i begin to imagine torturous death for them and i just plain wish i could eliminate such people from my life. it's either i kill them or i kill myself, just so i don't have to deal with such .... incompetencies, childishness and whatsoever.

ok. breathe.

then i repeat to myself, 'iron sharpens iron'. 'you reap what you sow'. 'do unto others' ... 'what goes around comes around' ... he did it, so will i. 'it won't kill me ... yet' ....

ok. breathe.

yeah. life can't be perfect.

so on to the next thing.

what is that you're wearing

* strictly girl

as girls, we have to ....

x watch what we eat ALL THE TIME
x watch what we wear ALL THE TIME
x manicure and pedicure. while maybe not everyone has to endure the hours of sitting there trying not to fall asleep while someone chip and hack at your hands and feet, living in a city where everyone looks at EVERY aspect of you; making sure your hands, nails, cuticles and whatever else are polished to the dot presents a neater impression. going for them takes up considerable time, yes, but ... sigh.
x eyebrows, eyelashes, skin tone, lip colour, eye bags, shadows beneath the eyes .... the list go a mile long and without proper 'grooming', stay away from the general public yes?
x clothes (!!!) imagine for those of us who have to meet people and socialize. making sure we do not wear the same thing as someone else or the same thing twice in 2 weeks (god forbid yeah?) take up just as much time. if not more
x colouring, perming, waxing, stripping and everything else i can't even imagine.... oh the horror of it all.

why was i thinking about this??

well. i've been so busy this week that i realized i've slept less than 10 hours in a total of three days. i'm that tired. oh, i mean, dead tired. haha.

anyway, i was also thinking, in between the crazy work schedules, [going for events, pretending to be interested when in truth we're totally not, thinking about the 101 articles pending, the storyline, the intro, the flow, the gist ....] as girls, we still have to look 'reasonably presentable'. in fact, we are EXPECTED to.

in a career where we have to meet people anytime of the day, we have no choice but to always be on our best. despite the hour, time or day, god forbid that we even look tired. given a choice, i think we all wish we could wake up looking like a million dollars and not having to bother AT ALL.

at most events, men can get away with wearing a simple shirt and jeans. i bet if i wore a shapeless shirt and jeans to work, my boss would subtly raise her thousand-dollar-tinted-embroidered-eyebrows at me.

what injustice!

yes, i wish life doesn't have to be that materialistic and narcissistic. i also wish i could honestly tell myself i don't care what others think. i live to please no one. but come on, be real.

can we??

old and dirty,not

those who grew up in malaysia would be most familiar with the morning markets. usually frequented by the 'older generation' - mums, dads, aunts, uncles and the 'grands', it's a hustle and bustle of fresh [and i mean, still-alive-slaughtered-on-the-spot fresh] produce and delicious food. every residential area has one such area and it's a daily congregation for most old folks. not only do they go for the usual cuppa, lingering for hours on end, it's the place for gossip, latest news and a touch of the dear and familiar.

when i was young, my grandmother used to walk me, or, come to think about it, i used to walk with my grandmother, to these markets for breakfast or fresh vegetable. in fact, mum and dad also used to take little me there for the most delicious breakfast. vendors are all up and awake by 4 in the morning to prepare and tempt us with the best and most authentic food imaginable.

now, all grown up and SO busy and chic, we young ones dread and avoid such places. to most of us, they're dirty, uncouth and plain disgusting. what with the live slaughtering, crowd, noise and scent of all kinds.

oh to our worldly minds, such places are for old folks only. never in our lives would we be caught dead there. would we deign to even set foot on those slippery and wet lanes? imagine our chanel, christian dior and gucci mingling with 'them'!
the horror of it.

but wait, this morning, in my rush to work, i dropped by. maybe just for a quick 2-minute dash, but i knew there'd be good food there. i know and i remember. there'd be 'real' food. coffee brewed the right and traditional way. food cooked and prepared just that morning; fresh and piping hot.

to me, it's a walk down memory lane.

waiting for my coffee, i could see i stood out. i was easily the youngest person there. in my heels and outfit, i just stuck out. yet ... i know i'm welcomed. i'm one of them.

lost feet

my feet died today.

i spent 5 hours walking in a mall, well, two malls, with my colleague. in heels. pointy-toed heels!!! and now i think my feet are dead to the world. numb beyond belief.

we had to source specific christmas gifts [i know!! it's just november] for the december issue so we walked a total of 5 hours!!! my colleague wore flats as she hates heels but i, as usual, wore heels as i don't like flats and now i'm paying for it.

i can't even stand.

i am so tired. and just now, in the kitchen ....

mum: want an apple?
grace: no. too tired .... can't bite.
mum: you're too tired to bite??

gosh!

i usually love green apples. but the thought of biting, chewing and just moving seem too much at the moment.

THIS is what you get for putting vanity before sanity.


p.s. the culprit heels

climb

can we change who we are?

last night i was thinking; there are two kinds of people. one, they just live. don't really bother about much; life is all about going to work, getting paid, paying for everything else, going through the motions. whether as a student or one of the little creatures in the rat race of life, they are just one of them, they plod along. the other type [very fortunate ones] they live life with a zest. everyday is about passion. everyday is a game, a challenge, an upward climb.

and i wondered, where am i?

i would like to think that i'm in the latter group but then, don't we get tired? don't we slip? don't we, once in a while, want to just say, whatever, anything goes.

life is a whirlwind. not to get swept away requires tremendous effort and sanity. balance. it's all about balance.

what differentiates us?

what defines us?

how do we stay on the upward climb?

are we allowed to stop, sit and rest?

are we allowed to say we're tired?

random

* notice the very cute sesame street toy on the car plate. wonder what happens to him when it rains ....

definitely, maybe.

today was a working saturday. so i had to go to work half day and right after that, i dashed off to this event - the Eco Film Fest. well, i didn't really go for the movies, more for the odd bazaars and stuff and i had a blast.

did something totally random and possibly unwise but no regrets. as i was leaving the place, this guy asked for directions to the nearest taxi stand. as the event was held at a very out-of-place area, it would have taken the guy 20-30 mins walk. so, i thought, well, probably unwise to offer him a lift [i drive around alone all the time] but then, poor guy had to walk. AND he was a foreigner. so i was thinking that was worse, because he obviously wouldn't know his way around. so i asked if i could give him a lift. it was nice, in the sense that i did a bit for a total stranger. i'll never see him again and we will forget about today in a week's time but that's the nicest thing about it. but of course, don't go around picking up guys.

anyway, i got home and was totally exhausted. i have two more books i need to read and review [in 4 days] so i didn't want to go out despite the endless events of the night.

i re-watched a fave movie - Definitely Maybe to unwind. i love isla fisher. i love rachel weisz [probably got her name wrong] and it's one of my top fave movies. i love how it establishes the fact that in life, we never know how things turn out. every choice and decision we make in turn, lead to something.
lives intersect. lives change.

all in the name of choice.

naturally so

had a very intriguing conversation with my hairstylist last week.

i went for a trim and as we know each other [i go to the same person all the time], we chatted about everything under the sun.

somehow the topic drifted to cigarettes. now i don't smoke. and wayne was very surprised. he knows what i do so he was [very] amazed that being in this circle and industry, i was not and still am not tempted to smoke. in fact, his very words were 'how can you not smoke? don't you feel tempted or pressured to??'.

thinking about it, i know i was never tempted even to try because i grew up around men who smoke. my dad, cousins, uncles and most of the men i see smoke. so from a very young age, i detest the lingering, noxious scent of cigg smoke. in fact, i really don't like it when my clothes and hair reek of it. i do not mind those who do, as i seriously think it's a personal choice. i'm not about to start debating it but i just never was into it.

and yes, most of my colleagues and friends [guys and girls alike] smoke. sometimes, it looks fun or even cool, to be inhaling and puffing away but honestly, no thank you.

so really, at the end of the day, i think it boils down to choice. some people say they smoke because everyone else does. that they smoke because it's natural. really?? to blend in? to stand out? oh. so should a guy who hangs around girls wear dresses because everyone else does too?

haha. no right?

no time to be sick

i caught a cold. of all things to catch.

anyway, yes. last night, i started feeling 'flu-ish'. but i thought it'd go away. this morning at work, it turned into a major cold@flu attack. and yet i couldn't take leave and go home. not that i couldn't because the office wouldn't let me, but i couldn't because i have so much to do and so many people to see [for work].

i was actually mentally trying to 'fit' the sick leave in! i mean, how bad is that? i have events and things to do everyday that i actually tried to sort a time-to-rest-and-recover day in. well, i realized;

today : nope. got a morning and aft appointment
tomorrow: nope. another morning appointment
friday: nope. a movie screening i have to do

and then i realized, by then it's saturday. what's the point. i would surely have recovered by then. yucks. this IS how bad city life can be. you get so caught up with work and life that sometimes, some things, you just don't know where to fit in.

so yeah. crazily, i have no time to be sick.

p.s. tissue in hand while typing and working