fall

soon, i will go. because i will have to. but for now. let's fall.

i want the world

you know what i really want to do?
i really want to get lost
i really want to eat, and taste, everything and nothing
i really want to sing, songs without lyrics
i really want to write, nothing on a page - page after page
i really want to just sit and feel the wind even when there's none
i really want the world.
i really want the world.

hope

hope can see you through the darkest night, true.

but i've also learnt that hope can sometimes be deliriously demented delusions

why did you

believED

i believed.
should i have?

fields of shadow

there are no shadows in my heart .... really?

it has been a horrible day. physically. mentally. emotionally. am amazed at the amount of things i have to write, and end up writing sometimes. wonder where they come from. the research and reading suck nearly every last ounce of concentration, the writing ... might just be out of rote. you know what? goodbye.

the difference

someone asked, "what difference would it make?"

everything.

everything.

waiting

i dreamt i took a picture of you

so clear, so vivid, i thought you were here

but then i searched

and then i found

here you are not

yet here i am

waiting

always waiting

remember me not

right now, memories are not so fun. a certain song, a place of once upon a time. a certain movie, a place of lazy afternoons.

and worst of all? you do not even know.

the one

the star third to your right

that is the one

once again

the breeze will come. the clouds will dance. and once again,

my heart will sing

it is ok

a flash of lightning streaked across the sky. in your world, i have been reduced to nothingness. a girl you once knew. a hand you once held. or perhaps i underestimated you. perhaps you suffer in your little world too. but here in my heart, your every thought. your name alone, brings a stab in places i can never reach. but it's ok. because they say that a broken heart makes for a better writer. it's ok. because whether you come back or not, the sun will shine yet again. the birds, they'll sing to me. the stars, they'll wink at me. so it's ok. it really is - ok.

no matter how great the grief
no matter how unspeakable the sorrow
come dawn, we wake
come dawn, we go on living

Coraline

Coraline makes me want to cry
Because you gave me Coraline

The Blueberry Girl

Ladies of Darkness, and Ladies of Never-You-Mind,
this is a prayer for a Blueberry Girl.

First, May you ladies be kind.
Keep her from spindles and sleeps at sixteen;
Let her stay waking and wise.
Nightmares at three, or bad husbands at thirty;
These will not trouble her eyes.

Dull days at forty, false friends at fifteen;
Let her have bright days and true.
Let her go places that we've never been;
Trust and delight in her youth.

Ladies of Grace, and Ladies of Favour,
and Ladies of Merciful Night,
this is a prayer for a Blueberry Girl,
Grant her your clearness of sight.

Worlds can be worrisome, people complex;

Motives and manners unclear.
Grant her the wisdom to choose her path right,
Free from unkindness and fear.

Let her tell stories, and dance in the rain,
Somersault, tumble, and run;
Her joys must be high as her sorrows are deep,
Let her grow like the weed in the sun.

Ladies of Paradox, Ladies of Measure,
Ladies of Shadows-That-Fall;
this is a prayer for a Blueberry Girl,
Words written clear on the wall.

Help her to help herself, help her to stand,
Help her to lose, and to find.
Teach her we're only as big as our dreams,
tell her that fortune is blind.

Truth is a thing she must find for herself,
precious, and rare as a pearl;
Give her all these, and a little bit more,
give this for a Blueberry Girl.


- Neil Gaiman -

now i know it's true

now i know it's true

nothing makes sense at all

words become letters on a page

songs drift in and out, rising, falling

lyrics and music yet nothing at all

now i know it's true

this is how emptiness feels

this is what emptiness means

oh god.

oh.god.

a butterfly was always meant to fly

i tried to hold the wind
it was never meant to be

i tried to keep a star
there never was one to begin with

i breathed in deep
so i'd never forget
i wrote you on my heart
so i'd always have

did you not know the times i sat and watched

did you not know the times i stayed and listened

i'm letting you go

for a butterfly was always meant to fly

you said you'd return
to wait for you

but didn't you know?

didn't you know?

a butterfly was always meant to fly

now speak Latin

Omnia mutantur, nihil interit

"everything changes but nothing is truly lost"

when the clock strikes twelve

when the clock strikes twelve tonight, look for a star.

a very special star. for when you see it you will know.

damn it, you will know.

blue looks bad on me

some people, when they are down, they eat.

some people, when they are down, they get even blue-er.

me. i just want to move and run far far away.

don't talk

there are certain things we never talk about.

like careful wanderers skirting a minefield, there are areas we just tread softly around. oh we talk about our pasts. we talk about the future. hopes. dreams. likes. dislikes. we talk about everything under the sky.

but there are just certain things we know not to bring up. never to mention even.

it's not that we don't know that the other person knows about it. he knows i know. i know he knows i know. i know he knows. yet, like dancing partners, certain steps you take. certain, you skirt around and twirl the other way.

is it because we do not want to break this illusion we have created? this time and space we crafted out of a sliver of reality? is it because we know that talking about certain things make them 'real'? not that not talking about them make them any less real. but perhaps we know, that by saying the words, something will change. perspective shifts. truths we tried to deny solidify. the lies we tell ourselves break and shatter. is ignorance really bliss?

so yes, there are certain things we just never talk about.

when no means yes

last night i said no to a friend i've never said no too. not in three years at least.

it started to rain. did you hear it? that's the sound of my heart breaking.

when you know that no is the only answer. even though every cell in your being screams yes, do you still say no?

no it is then.

confessions of a "maybe sadist"

i hovered near the door of my heart.

hesitating, i wonder if to nudge it open would be the best choice. perhaps some things are best left alone. call it denial but sometimes, denial's the only option life presents. "why take life so seriously?" pain will, after all, come, whether we seek it or not. the birth of a new born baby. the passing of a loved one or maybe even a stranger, considering how the world now is one. the loss of the bliss that was once ignorance. the neglect of a once-loved passion.

pain it seems is not something we can put away in the broom closet and close the door on.

why? why do we often open up the pandora box? like a wound that has not yet fully healed. we know that picking at it would result only in scars, yet pick at it we will, and often, over and again. till at some point, it is but a nasty habit. more than even a conscious act, it is a gesture at normality.

perhaps in some ways we are all sadistic. perhaps in some ways we revel in dwelling on self-pity. self-pity, the truly loathsome word. going over the pain again and again. we seem to somehow rejoice in feeling that odd stab in the heart.

that odd stab in the heart.

does it make us more human to feel pain? or does it make us less human to want to feel the pain?

3am notes

lately the sleeping pattern has been quite crap, for lack of a stronger word. going to bed at midnight, i lay awake and wander the hours away. other times, going to bed at 9pm, the world rushes to yet another party while i fall and tumble into a dreamless sleep. unbidden, i'd come awake sometime between the dead of night and the wake of dawn.

most remarkably, i realized that lately, i have been writing in my sleep. no. i rephrase. i have been writing half asleep. maybe my muse is delighting itself, nudging me at 3am nightly, but come that hour, perhaps not precisely at 3am, but when the hands of the clock glow at that hour, a line would come. a dream-like phrase of beauty sneaks in, and i can't but come awake and make it real.

stay in my head, i thought. yet i knew even as i thought, neglected, it would flee.

like an unwanted love, left alone, shrivel and die it will.

3am notes. my dreams or yours?

spare me now and let me dream.

maybe

grace has not been grace for quite a while.

but i think ... i'm coming back. or He's coming back. maybe slowly. maybe even tentatively. but reading His word just now, i suddenly realized and thought to myself, oh my god! it's Him again. i know this. i remember this feeling.

He speaks again.

was feeling rather out of it and saw Deborah. a woman of vision, she looked past the seemingly impossible situation her nation faced and lay hold of the hope; of His promises.

maybe life's better if we just see beyond the natural situations, regardless of how hopeless or desperate they may seem, hold the courage that enables us to grasp His mind and will.

this is it

grace needs to die a little bit more ....

and then the ants came

change. how daunting a word. of course, on itself, it is but a word. but when things in life shift, when the known becomes the unknown and when what is comfortable seems to be threatened, then it is daunting. then it is ... fragile.

on a totally unrelated note, i saw a file of ants. is the term even correct? [a file of ants?] anyway, as i was working in my room, i watched a row of ants march by. my first thought was to grab a can of aerosol and spray them to death. but then i wondered. why?

were they in my way? no. were they making a mess of things? no. were they destroying something of mine? no.

so why do i have to instantly think to harm and kill them. of course, it may seem a small issue. come on, i'm talking about ants here. in the mad and hectic rush of life, some people don't even realize they exist.

but sometimes i wonder, why are we so quick to kill? why are we so quick to destroy and wipe out something just because it 'seems' to be out of place. or to put it clearly, just because it seems to be out of our plans.

they were just passing by.

if only human lives can be that simple. we are just passing by.

again and again, i seem to be wishing the same thing. if only we strive less. if only we compete less. if only we are less defensive. wouldn't the world be a better place?

why do we have to ...?

ever grace

i considered letting go

i considered suicide ....

i mean the suicide of dreamergrace.

forget about her ... maybe leave her alone. forgotten, she'll [it'll] cease to exist

neglected ... it will fade into oblivion.

but one can't desert one's true love can they?

writing. forever writing.

i may not have written in a while. but,

writing, i did - in my head.

writing, i did - in my heart.

and irresistibly drawn, i'm back where i started.

someone told me that to write really well, one has to be heartbroken for a really really long time.

so write. oh heart of mine.

write again. dear heart of mine.

press start and go

at times, i feel like giving up. caving in to the darkness around, i imagine myself shoving everything to the ground. to hell with it all, i don't want to care. i don't want to feel. i give up - do you care?

to me, the glass is always half full. knowing His word, i know very well His promises and having experienced Him, i never doubted His existence. i know He is real. i know He never lies. so despite what i feel, despite what happens, i persistently cling to what He said.

from the very beginning, i was taught to not look at 'the world'. i was schooled to not let circumstances and life dictate what i feel. so personally, i always chose to believe. i always chose to hope. i always chose to stand on His word.

they say i'm always cheerful. they say i never seem to have problems or stress. yes. not because i'm deluded, not because i really do not have any worries.

rather, i know to set my mind on things above.

still, at times, i'm tempted to yell. i'm tempted to lash out and ask, where is the justice of it all? where is the logic of it all? and most importantly, where is the purpose of it all.

anyway, i'm rambling.

as the clock strikes twelve, another day dawns.

another moment has passed.

and again i tell myself, His Word endures.

so yes, let's start again.

yes and yes

yes i like to push the lines.

yes i like to traverse the boudaries of what should be.

yes i like to challenge societal expectations.

but yes, He is also the foundation and centre of it all.

selah

if life had a 'recycle bin', i'm clicking delete on the mess that is my mind.

rummaging through dust-covered boxes and long-forgotten drawers, i searched, in vain for a trace of it.

switching everything off i listened, in the desperate attempt to capture the barest of the whisper that existed only in my memory.

closing my eyes, i wished, and conjured, glimpses of fleeting shadows.

i wait.

selah.

i wait.

a muse - i'll always be

i'm a muse. or maybe i'm just plain deluded.

oh but wait. isn't creativity from aBoVe?

i like pushing boundaries. not His boundaries. but the boundaries created by man. the boundaries created by society.

i like challenging the norm. i like questioning 'tradition'.

if He believes in me. why can't you?

why must men limit themselves so?

why did we come up with so many rules, regulations, 'tradition', 'practice' and the ever famous this-is-the-way-things-are-done?

why did we give up creativity?

why did we give up the beauty of discovey?

why did we abandon the pursuit of purity and simplicity?

isn't creativity from above?

isn't He the ultimate Creator?

so why have we stopped believing in the beauty around and why have we let go of the joy of just 'being'?

why did we let the destroyer of dreams win?

what is the law really for???

was slightly disturbed by a conversation i had with a friend yesterday.

he mentioned that a few weeks ago, a local young man was caught planting@trying to grow 5 sprouts of weed and was caught doing so [in his own house!!!]. he has now been sentenced to death. and yes, the death sentence still applies in malaysia.

i have never tried weed. never have, never want to and never will. but i've done studies on it and also asked relevant academia about it and everyone of them stated that scientifically, it is not as negative as it has been put out to be. in fact, it is used as a form of medication regularly.

anyway, i'm not here to advocate the use of it but i think that sometimes, there should be logic and pure, basic human reasoning or even, a dash of humanity when it comes to determining the life and death of a person.

in the first place, who are we to say who dies and who lives?

ok. yes, certain crimes are really heinous and maybe, maybe, unforgivable. serials rapists. genocidal crime. murder. things like that. but when it comes to a young person of just 24?? should we be so quick to rule his death?

he was caught not trafficking drug. not peddling drugs. he was caught in his own house. with sprouts of plants!!! and he's only 24. if the point of the sentence was to correct and educate, why not just a life sentence? was it serious enough to warrant a death of someone who has not even truly experienced life?

what about paedophiles? fathers who rape and torture their children? why aren't they sentenced to death? why is a young man, who - yes i agree, was probably not a good example, but was he really doing anybody any harm? true, some may reason that his act may lead to the spread of 'harmful drugs' [which i don't agree is in the first place] but then, isn't the law there to protect, guide and direct?

why was it a death sentence?

goodbye pink. hello black.

very funny.

i went to the mall to get lunch and ended up buying a phone.

this is how it all began.

i woke up this morning, lazily, rolling in bed, i wondered why my alarm hasn't sounded. seemed like i've slept for a long while. but i did set my alarm for 9am and well, since it hasn't gone off, surely i'm early. but i felt ... uncomfortable. so i reached for my phone and glanced at the time. and got the shock of my life.

it was 10.45am. i had a meeting at 11am. in PJ! [me in cheras]

i practically bolted up and out. rushed into the bathroom. slammed everything. and basically, crammed my usual 45mins routine into a 15 minutes thing.

my phone had 4 missed calls and 6 messages.

it did not ring. it did not vibrate. it did not even beep. not a squeak at all.

this is the second time it has happened. it is NOT on silent mode yet, as and when it likes, it just decides to be quiet.

ok. my life is kinda ... fast-paced. i'm always in contact with people. i'm almost always online and i just can't be out of contact.

sigh. anyway, that's why it had to go.

i loved it. it was pink. but it decided to rebel.

so it had to go.

sorry pink baby. black is in now.

freedom in faith - as in, there is freedom in my faith

i'm not who i used to be.

some may think i've deviated. but then, (giggling) i'll gladly admit that i'm happy to be so.

while i still may not entirely know Him - i don't think we ever will as it's a progress and as we gaze upon the mirror, we will see more....anyway, i digressed. what i mean to say is, while i can not say for sure that this is the way He wants us to live, this is the way He wants us to be - who am i to say i know for sure? but i know i can say, what He does not want us to be.

i know He doesn't want me to be legalistic. i know He doesn't want me to set Him and life in a box. i know He doesn't want me to condition the circumstances of how life should be, how people should react, how things should work out. i know He doesn't want me to pass life by. i know He wants me to live in freedom. i know He wants each day to be a discovery of Him. i know He wants each day to be a joyous exploration of all there can be.

so yes! i'm happy everyday. i may not have all i want in life. i may not have worked everything out. but i'm happy. deep inside i know, this is life. this is freedom. and i'm having so much fun just tripping along ;)

made to love

this is life, as it is.

made to love - tobyMac

why stay?

ok, let's talk relationship.

i've been single for ... 3 years? or more. i don't know. and while i may sometimes miss the constant fellowship and availability of a guy-friend (boyfriend sounds a little too juvenile for me now), i really do not regret choosing this.

of course i don't want to remain single forever but if i had to choose between simply picking a guy and settling into an expected relationship or being who i am, myself, but free, i'd still choose being free.

yes, mum nags. and wonders why i just won't settle. some friends or new people i meet, when they hear i'm single, would immediately give that 'look' and plot my next match. but honestly, yeah, i want to meet 'him' - the right guy, but please, please don't ask me to settle for just anyone.

friends who are in long-term relationships lament often on how unhappy they sometimes are. they always say 'i wish i'm you .... or i wish i have your kind of independance/freedom'. i wonder to myself, surely it's a matter of choice. i mean, you could be too but probably reasons such as, the expectations of society, comfort zone and fear of the unknown, hold you back and instead of liberating, love causes one to remain in a cycle or circle, of .... i don't know ... unending dissatisfaction?

again, why confine yourself to settling for something if that's not what you truly want? while the unknown might be scary and risky, isn't it better than a life of frustrations?

friends quarrel with their other halves and come telling me they wish they can break up. i always hear how it's always a cycle. yes, relationships are never perfect, people disagree but if deep within, you know that this is not 'the one'. if this is not what you want to live with for the rest of your life; if this is not what you feel you want to fight for and hold on to; why? why stay?

has society conditioned us so much that we must have a relationship to appear whole?

my constant stranger

i dreamt of you, my constant stranger.

serenade me, i whispered to you.

your solid shadow, forever there.

your calming presence, ever abiding.

faithful. powerful. strange yet dear.

my constant stranger.

some things are worth holding

some things are worth looking for,
the once-forgotten dream.

some things are worth going to,
the never-again experience.

some things are worth giving up,
the self-deluded principle.

some things are worth saying yes to,
the lingering hold, the heart-numbing kiss.

some things are worth risking,
the maybes, the perhaps, and the might-not-evers.

some things are worth seeking out,
that elusive spark. that special person. the only one.

some things are worth having,
perhaps for just that second.
perhaps for just that moment.

perhaps, just perhaps, for now and never again.

but some things,

some things, are worth holding.


tell me little girl, what are you looking for?

decisions today and tomorrow

from the time i started making my own decisions, i've always made them based on this - does it go against my conscience?

of course, i've made wrong decisions. i've cringed at the mess some created. some i celebrated, some i wept over. but nevertheless, my decisions have always been something i try to live with. or i should specify - principles i live by.

someone asked why i did not go for the more glamourous jobs i was offered. when i came back last year, i was offered a position at an international (uk-based) Uni. was also offered a position with a HK-based airline but i turned both down. why? simply because i wanted to go for passion. true, while being a writer may not earn me as much money; being a writer may not bring me as much recognition, writing is what i want to do. so despite the lure of 'better' offers, i opted for passion.

someone asked why i never chose the easy road and stayed in a relationship i knew was going nowhere. true, it was easy. it was comfortable. but we both knew it would have been dead in the long run. two completely different halves do not make one. yes, opposites attract. and yes, we are supposed to enhance and enrich one another in a relationship, but when both are headed towards different directions, the only possible result is a split right down the middle. so i opted for a new beginning.

someone asked why i did not stay in the uk. supposedly more glamorous. supposedly a chic and much-clamoured-for lifestyle. i chose family. to have come back and to be here for people who mean the world to me means much more than anything else. perhaps me being here makes no difference to them, as in, their lives go on, so does mine. but being here, makes a difference to me. because i know i chose them.

someone asked why now i'm leaving this job again. a job that looks totally enviable and opt for something uncertain, something without stability. while there may not be a net to catch me if i fall. while i won't again see my name in print, and while i may not even see the stepping stone to come, again, i chose with my heart. knowing my time has come to an end. knowing my purpose is to move on, i chose.

so yes, time and again, my decision has baffled many. perplexed my parents and brought upon countless explanations, i know that when asked, i'll choose exactly again.

the sun will shine again

granted, the picture wasn't taken professionally but i was driving and was about to turn onto another road.

anyway, going to work this morning, the sun, literally blinded me.

it dazzled and was just totally glorious.

and i couldn't help but go .... oh what a gloriously beautiful day.

you know, it's never really about what we feel. it's about what we want to feel.

so let's choose to see the sun today.

a little kooky but loving it ....

because i wanted to paint....

was sitting at my desk, stuck with no connection for a while

and lo and behold! i discovered the fun of painting virtually

the call of the sinful

my very-very-much-anticipated-but-delicious-and-sinful-plus-calorie-laden lunch this coming sunday. not forgetting the amazing girl who'll be going with me

p.s. pictures stolen from my fave malaysian food blog http://www.awhiffoflemongrass.com

Departure Lounge,
No. 10, Jalan Solaris 4,
Solaris Mont’ Kiara, 50480, Kuala Lumpur.
Tel:03-6203 0362
Business Hours: 8am - 7pm (Monday-Saturday)
10am-5pm (Sunday and public holidays)

p.s.

omg.

i must be the last person on earth to know this - i just discovered that my keyboard at work is battery operated.

i didn't know there were battery operated keyboards.

gosh. i must be from the 13th century

well, i'm just being random

kit bought a flashy camera. a DSLR. don't ask me what it stands for. he told me. i forgot. i tend to blank out when things get too technical.

anyway. i love love LOVE taking pics too and considered getting a similar gadget but knowing me, i probably would just use it at its most basic level. so no point getting one overly priced or technical. unless, i actually take the time to figure out all the buttons and whatever else on it. but again, knowing me, i'd freak out if anything i press actually morphs into something else. i'm pretty basic when it comes to these. that's probably why i still haven't persuaded myself to go for some funky phone with wifi [which i do want but knowing me, i'd probably not figure it out and stick with a laptop]

something else random.

was with sis yesterday. and you know what? i actually DO read everything beforehand. for example, if i'm to go somewhere or meet someone, i'd read up on it/him/her, or at least, surf through pics and general info of the place/person. if i'm to go somewhere new to shop or eat, i'd also read up on it, print out map of the place and etc. if i buy something new, again, i'd read it first. [oooh! but MY definition of read would be speed-reading, but still reading].

i think i'm spontaneous. i mean, i might be lazing in bed but if i feel like going for cake/books/movie, i'd just up and go. but i'm also known to be studious and meticulous. so.i.read.

besides, that's probably why i can write. coz i fill my head with so much fluff.

haha.

i like that word.

so much fluff.

well, i'm just being random.

the storm

standing in the dark
i watched the storm rage
unleashed, the rain lashed at the trees
gusts of wind tore through the leaves
swaying, yielding but unbending
they stood and held firm
unrelenting the storm might be
they stood on still

and as i watched, i thought of Him
how He said to hold fast through the rain

thunders roared
the wind howled

yet

strong as the wind might be
strong as the rain might be

in time it cleared

washed clean
darkness lifted
clouds cleared
the breeze came

gentle
refreshing

He remained

for you i'll try

he said that i look like someone who can really drink well - alcohol that is.

sigh. do you see my heart free falling?

no. no. no.

well, i wonder. you know, people really have this perception of me. an idea of a girl who likes the to paint the town red. sorry to disappoint. but i'm neither into painting walls nor into painting them red should i actually choose to do so.

anyway, i've always been the type who don't really care what others think - to a certain extent. because as much as i want to live my life my way and tell those who try to set me according to their point of views to go fly kites, He told me that i should live my life honourably and conduct myself as He would.

so yes, instinct tells me to not bother at all with what others think. do i care? no i don't. are they right? no they're not. because at the end of the day, their assumptions are just that. assumptions based on a narrow perspective, perceptions based on nothing substantial.

unfortunately, or forunately, depending on how you view it, life is not about me just living anyway i want.

it's for you.

so yes, i'll try.

b-l-u-e

yo listen up here's a story about a little girl
that lives in a blue world
and all day and all night
and everything she sees is just blue like her
inside and outside
blue her house with a blue little window
and a blue corvette
and everything is blue

psst: i'm not feeling blue. just a very old song by Eiffel 65 that's playing in my head

take a break, he says

for a while there, i was stunned
spinning into oblivion
i let my mind drift
exhausted, it screams
strung tight, it protests
words and letters blurring into shades of grey
fantasy and reality no longer defined
take a break, he says
relive, refresh, recreate

privacy in danger

yesterday was my day. as in i spent time alone, with myself, just doing whatever i like and wanted to.

i was sitting at one of my favourite cafes - san francisco, i had my sandwich, coffee and book. it was paradise recreated. as i was about to tune out and settle into my book, i couldn't help but overheare the man beside me. in fact, the layout of the place was such that strangers were practically sitting next to you.

from his accent, i could easily tell that he wasn't local, a hongkee in fact. he was talking with his friend. business deals were discussed and laid out. every single word and figure uttered, i heard clearly. i tried, really tried to tune out and not overhear. but he was seated practically two inches away from me and i'm not deaf, however i tried to tune out.

and i wondered, why put tables so close together?

imagine if i were some scammer or good-for-nothing person, wouldn't it have been the perfect opportunity to actually get something out of it? i mean, maybe, being an idealist, i would hope that people are courteous; no one would eavesdrop, no one would care, and no one would go beyond what is right and wrong. but being the realist, i'm pretty sure that not everyone's going to be that black and white.

and i wondered, where's the line where we draw and stake our privacy?

i need You

can't sleep.

and i'm thinking ....

i need You

if only it was that easy.

if only it is that easy.

paradise alone

wonders of the hidden world
fantasies, legends and stories of old

let me explore
yes, leave me alone

oh leave me alone,

this, my paradise alone

it's never only make believe to me

stranger in the sky
tell me I'm not spending too much time on happy endings
and my life does not rely on how much love you might be lending me
above
there's so much I'm depending on
remembering more instead of war with me, myself and I

i'm headed for the stranger in the sky
resort in paradise
now louder
answer the wish and kiss bids goodbye


*words by jason mraz

out-burst

have always been explosive. i mean, i am. i really am.

one word. one call. one action can send me into ... a fit of rage. ok. maybe not a full-out rage, but definitely enough to irk me and make me wanna react. very bad i know. somehow, i never get the hang of it.

sometimes, i look at those people who are just so ridiculously and impossibly sweet-natured and i go, what in the world are they made of. i definitely have some missing DNA. hopefully, i'm better, slightly better, in controlling my temper now that i'm older, but really. gosh. why am i so hot-tempered??

nowadays, i make myself count to 5 [i can't do 10. too long] before exploding or lashing out but still, i practically boil within.

haha. ok. i'm just rambling. coz someone called just now, about 15 minutes ago [see? i waited that long to react] and asked me to do something ridiculous. really ridiculous. as in, they're free, i'm not. they have all the time in the world, i'm stuck and tied up, yet am expected to do it. sigh.

tell me. how do we decide when it's right to let it fly? no? never? or are we entitled?

no. you tell me.

colour the world

one day, a child saw a box of crayons on the ground ....

ah! crayons. what a long-forgotten toy; the magic wands of artists and fairies alike

now little child, go paint the world

go dazzle

go splash

go colour

help me look for me

i should have known.

surfing through. glancing at a friend's pictures, i was going, duh. of course he likes that type of music. he wears his hair in dreadlocks! cool. very cool.

was never into stereotyping. in fact, most of the times, i feel that appearances are deceiving. ridiculously so.

once this guy had a totally inappropriate impression of me.

him: want a cigarette?
me : nope. i don't smoke
him: no? hmm yeah. [after much thinking] i guess you don't look like you smoke ciggs. you look like more like you smoke weed.

-.-

ok. i sure hope he was joking. and admitedly, i was experimenting then and had purple highlights in my hair. very very subtle ones ok. and streaks. not chunks. so it was barely there.

anyway, yeah. so impressions? what impressions?

never judge a book by its cover, that's true.

but then again, sometimes, there are indications.

there really are.

maybe at the heart of this post, what i really want to say is ....

deep down.

underneath the millions of cleverly hidden layers ....

in between the lines ....

come look for me.

uncover the real me.

unravel the artfully put-up facade that's supposed to be me.

unveil the me that longs for you to see.

what i really want you to see.

me.

sunday perfection

a perfect day

a perfect spot

a perfect pair of heels

this, my perfect sunday afternoon

so i want to be left alone

have been feeling kind of restless the past few days.

it's not that i have no work. in fact, surprise surprise, i have 14 stories/articles to write in one week. yeah, i know. it's crazy. even i don't think i can do that bu amazingly, it's possible.

anyway, yeah. have been feeling kind of restless. didn't feel like going out with friends. didn't feel like attending the one-hundre-and-one events. didn't feel like anything.

i just feel ... surreal. void.

i was thinking, my life seems so unreal. people i meet. people i work with. people around me in general. no one's really real. some, consciously put on an act. some, unconsciously try to be someone they're not. and me being me - i just want to be left alone for a while.

so i want to be left alone.

i'm gathering my thoughts.

i'm going over my dreams.

and this is how i feel .....

let me dream

him : what do you want?

me : i want to be a dreamer when i grow up

him : a dreamer? that's not right. what will you do? what for?

me : i want to dream ....

i want to dream of the skies above

i want to dream of the universe beyond

i want to dream of the oceans beneath

i want to savour the flavours of the world

i want to dream the unknown, i want to dream the unwritten

i want to dream the unventured, i want to dream the unexplored

so don't restrict me. don't stop me

let me dream

this is me - finally

i'm asian, but sorry, soft spoken i'm not

i'm chinese, but sorry, demure i'm not

i'm a girl, but sorry, floral wishy-washy 'cuteness' i do not like

after much soul [or template] searching, this is me.

i love the vibrancy of colours. but i also need the solitude of the sturdy black.

i love the delights of randomness. but i also need the definition solid blocks, shapes and lines give.

i do not like borders that restrict. but i like things stream-lined.

so this is me.

this. is. me.

passive impassive

it's funny how life never turns out the way you want it to.

last year was a deliberately passive year for me. i spent nearly half of the year traveling, and the second half at a job where i just did what i love. it didn't even feel like work.

prior to that, life was a hectic roller coaster. juggling mission trips, living for a year in a non-city environment, going back to college, assignments, exams, juggling two extremely challenging and competitive jobs ... it was a wonder i didn't age 10 years just from those few years alone.

so yes, last year, i decided i need a break. and it was.

still, being who i am, i couldn't have continued being that passive. so this year ... wow. here it comes again.

of course, i didn't plan or imagine something like this. i mean, in fact, i always thought i'd be married and with kids by 25. yeah i know. i turned 25 and still am very single, but by choice and not circumstances. anyway, yes, i always thought i'd be over the corporate world, high-flying kinda life by 25. but it doesn't seem so.

so far, 2009 has been surprising. in more good ways than bad. so here's to you 2009, be kind, be nice. and i'll love you for it ;)

here comes my weekend

it is friday!!!!! and what's even better is tomorrow is not a working day!!!! i need to give thanks just for that alone. well, i DO have a meeting around 11.30 but at least i don't have to crawl awake at 7!!

anyway, the past two or maybe three nights, i've been working late, going home only around 11pm [yes, imagine it. 9am-11pm] and so my body is dead sore.

anyway, yesterday night, the moment i let myself in, i saw dad and he was like ....

dad: why are you working so late nowadays?
me: not nowadays la -.- every month, this time, i work this late. [and i was thinking, it's just that no one notices coz they're always home later than i]
dad: i left you dinner last night and tonight, but it's gone now

and i was thinking, yes, i haven't eaten anything nice lately.

you see, i'm really really adaptable and not too particular BUT i do love 'my kind of' food and drinks.

i love my salads. i love good food. i love nice drinks. sis says i'm high-maintenance, but i just prefer to think of myself as liking 'fresh food'. i mean, no complains about the local food, i love my curries and spicy stuff, but nothing can beat my fresh salads.

anyway, wow. it's friday. i'll probably have to work late again tonight. mag's not off for print so there's a lot of proofreading to do but it's ok. i'm sleeping in tomorrow.

the way i am

i wish i love you more, i wish i obey you more

i wish i surrender more than i fight, i wish i submit more than i question

searching for you, i wondered at myself.

going around in circles, when ever is the end

someone once told me, if You didn't want me to be this way, You wouldn't have created me so.

so maybe, i might wish i'm more like her. i might wish i'm more like him. at the end of the day, surely You didn't make any mistakes in making me this way. surely You knew what You were doing.

so maybe, it's time i learn to accept and love myself the way i am.

colours

oh in case you're wondering why i keep changing the colour of my blog ....

i can only say i'm discovering myself. haha. but it's true.

i thought i liked a white background, plain is good, no?

but then i realized, nope. i really can't stand living without colours.

then i realized, i also don't like grey-ish/gloomy-looking screens....

so we'll see.

the simple gifts of life

ok, i need a break.

today's been a good day. i've been working [writing-proofreading-writing] all day, every minute and that's good. but now i need a break.

anyway, i was just thinking, i'm a very 'sensitive' person. not sensitive as in easily hurt/take-everything-personally kind of sensitive but more of a, very "sense-heightened" person.

i remember everything i smell, see or touch very easily. as i was proofreading this totally unrelated article, i thought of a friend's cologne. he was the guy i traveled with to bangkok recently. i haven't seen him for a while, so i thought of him.

i'm not just a vision kind of person. thinking about him, i can actually recall the scent of his cologne, as he sat beside me for five consecutive days; his face, his voice and even his general appearance/dressing. his name alone, brings to mind his favoured cologne, colours of clothes, voice and jokes. not just him, but anyone else.

i'm also the type of person who misses a friend/relative/loved one and will think about them if i don't seem them for a while.

so yes, i remember another one's cologne. i also remember that other person's smoke-infused 'air'. that friend's voice. a girl friend's touch. a loved one's tenderness.

aren't our senses such a blessing? most times, we take it for granted. we barely bother registering the fact that we can see, smell, touch, hear and taste. but really, i thank god i can.

aromas ... colours ... spiciness ... sweetness ... silky touches ... soft whispers.

aren't they all the simple gifts of life?

now i know why

no wonder i'm so messed up!

ok, first, to explain - due to me having finished ALL my work and am on the verge of going insane out of boredom, i decided to look at zodiacs and star signs. yes, i don't believe in it, but oh well, since i'm free and i don't know what else i haven't read or wiki-ed.

anyway, now i know why i'm so messed up. or rather, now i know why i have such conflicting tendencies and personality.

apparently, i was born 'on a cusp', meaning, i was born on the day when the sun supposedly changed position or something, and therefore, i have traits of TWO different zodiac signs. for me, they are the Libra and Scorpio sign.

so let's see what they say ....

ta da!

Libra
Your element: Air
Your stone: Opals
Life Pursuit: To be consistent
Vibration: Unsteady
Libran's Secret Desire: To live an easy, uncomplicated life

Scorpio
Your element: Water
Your stone: Topaz
Life Pursuit: To survive against all opposition
Vibration: Resilient
Scorpio's Secret Desire: To triumph

ok. look! as a libran, i am unsteady and wants an easy, uncomplicated life [true. yeah, sometimes feel so] but as a scorpion, i try to survive against all opposition [competitive?] and i desire to triumph ?!?!?

see. now i know why sometimes i feel like i can move to the rural english countryside and milk cows for the rest of my life. and sometimes i feel like i have to be in new york, manhattan, ruling the world.

and then, as a Libran, "Librans can switch off from the world around them [yeah, ask my sis. she always says i should move to an island and live alone]. many Librans manage to conjure up a most independent life. They can escape into obscure role playing - and often this makes them extremely successful business people. When it comes to romance and love, Librans can be difficult to fathom"

and then, as a Scorpion, "Scorpios lead fate filled lives and have intense and dramatic personal relationships [yeah, sure?]. Even as children Scorpios are often found to be wise beyond their years [as i said, i'm ancient]. Passion, desire and power go hand in hand for Scorpios. Their biggest challenge and test in life is choosing between the power of love and the love of power [i thought as a Libran, i live a contented life?]. Coming to grips with their extraordinary emotional depths and sensitivity isn't easy for those around them [again yeah. i know my family wants to kill me 360 days of the year]. They are different from all other zodiac signs and this difference has them walking, working and loving to a different beat. Others can often live with a Scorpio partner for years, but not really know them. Much to do with a Scorpio remains a secret. [true, true, true] Their eyes often blaze with feelings that words never express, and beware on the days or nights they hide their feelings behind dark glasses, there is likely to be a storm of some kind brewing."

ok, too much. i'm tuning out. not the bible to me anyway, but sure shows why i contradict myself all the time.

haha.

ok, got more work suddenly.

decide

in between
neither here, nor there
somewhere someplace

i need to make up my mind soon

like, really really soon.

or perhaps, i should say, my mind's made up

i need to act on it soon

like, really really soon

can i have more time? can i have more time .....

v day mortification

i'm so .... 'failed'.

when i like something, or when i believe in something, i go all out for it. and i mean all out. nothing stands in my way, nothing is impossible.

thus, i was so caught up with work for the Prof that i actually asked this sweet, young, IT guy of ours to meet me tomorrow eve to discuss some final details of the task i gave him. i contracted him [ken] and his girlfriend [elvie] to design some stuff for us. and to me, i work all the time; sat/sun/dawn/midnight, there's no 'unavailable' time in my calendar.

ken and elvie are really sweet. always delivering. always accepting my .... ermm ... demands and offering great suggestions to what we already have.

BUT i forgot tomorrow is V Day. i've been single for so long that to me, V day is just another day. but how could i have forgotten to the point of asking this young couple to meet me for work when they should be out celebrating their love??

yikes.

i'm mortified

fake alarm

last night as i was drifting off to sleep, the wail of a siren blasted me awake.

groggily i wondered what it was and my brain told me that it was probably the security alarm of the house behind. annoyed, i turned around in bed, waiting and willing it to stop. after ... 5 - 10 mins of wailing, it stopped and i thanked god for it.

as i was about to fall back into dreamland, it started again. and i wondered, what's the point of the security alarm. i mean, we are so immune (??) and insensitive nowadays that even though we hear it, we wait for it to go off. and i wondered, what if it was really someone in need of help? what if it was really a burglary taking place? we got so used to 'fake' sirens and calls that we do nothing about it despite the reason for the alarm in the first place.

it's not that i'm callous. it's not that i'm apathetic. but what was i supposed to do?

call the cops and then what? i did that once. nothing happened. no cops came.

so ....?

tell me did you see

sometimes, i'm exhilarated. elated and buoyed by an unshakeable sense of purpose, passion and enthusiasm, i run, i soar, i twirl and whirl.

at times, i'm just morose. dejected and overwhelmed by the monotony of work, i wonder what it's all for.

most times, i'm just plain me. working the road. working out life. working, forever working in my mind.

hey you, down the road,

Why are you here?

What did you learn?

What did you see?

hey you, down the road,

Is it going to be different for me?

It it going to be worthwhile for me?

hey you, down the road,

did you see where I turned off?

did you see where I went?

tell me did you see.

tell me did you see where I went?

don't wake me

morning is here. dawn nudges. the sky painted pink; don't wake me

the birds sing, they call, they dance, they invite; don't wake me

golden rays light the day. touches the leaves, gently it warms; don't wake me

don't wake me if you're not going to be here

don't wake me if yours is not the face i'll see

don't wake me if yours is not the voice i'll hear

don't wake me if yours is not the touch i'll feel

don't wake me, just don't wake me if you're not going to be around

what have i done???

oh my god. it suddenly hit me. oh god. i'm nearly afraid to even write it down.

i am going to be 28 in two years!!!?!?! yeah. two years later. 28????

28 equals nearer to 30. equals to .... oh. my. god.

i haven't changed the world!

i haven't even fallen in love.

i haven't ... anything.

i'm in a total dismay now. what have i done?

god. ok. breathe. think. surely i've achieved notable and worthy ... deeds (??!)

something at least??

let me think.

i have experienced working in orphanages. old folks' home. womens' shelter.

i have taught, children and young people. and hopefully, given a part of me to them. something that they can have to help them in the world.

i have seen various continents.

i have ... made my points and stand firm on what truly matters to me.

i have ... been there for my family when it matters ....

i have ... been there for my friends when it matters ....

i have loved ... lost ... believed .... hoped ....

and i guess, i haven't destroyed myself in the process.

sigh.

well i guess, yeah. while, i may not have settled down as many of my friends have. while i may not have the tidy home and 2.5 kids like my friends do. and while i may not be the lawyer i thought i'd be [not what i want now], the ambassador i dreamed i'd be [i realized i'm too idealistic for it], or the world changer i still want to be, i'm still all right.

for now.

change again

i'm thinking [and that's not good] haha. well, not 'not good' but when i think, it's also when i start to formulate ideas. vague dreams become steps and concrete plans. random thoughts become things i wanna do. and more often than not, i go on impulse.

but this time anyway, i'm thinking, but i'm not thinking of anything specific.

yes, i'm being random again.

there are so many things on my plate right now, so different, so ..... all over the place, i can only stare at them. grouped together, they are mind-boggling. separated, they pull me towards totally differing directions. but that's not altogether bad i guess.

was talking to a friend and he was remarking how i seem to always be moving about. and you know what, that seems to be my life path.

i've always wanted to bring change. and it turns out that change is a very big part of my life. careers. locations. circles ....

of course, change is the one constant thing in everyone's life but much more so in my life. i guess it's because i've always accepted that change is inevitable so i embrace it. most of the time, people fear the unknown. resisting change is common. and people rather stay in a comfort zone than venture into unfamiliar territory. for me, since i know change is part of my 'destiny', i go all out and jump right into it. sometimes i land. sometimes i flop. sometimes, i just go ... whatever. nothing lost, so let's try.

scared? yes of course. but it's going to come anyway, so ... just go for it.

sometimes it's unsettling. you learn something. you think you're getting the hang of it, and boom, you've got to unlearn and do something new again.

anyway, just a random rambling post about changes in my life.

linger

did you know that when your heart beats, it reminds you you're alive
but did you know that when my heart beats, it reminds me you're not with me

did you know that when you look up at the skies and see the stars, you see the galaxy
but did you know that when i look up at the skies and see the stars, i see the fading mist

i hear of untold dreams

i dream of unborn wishes

i wish of unwritten desires

did you know that when you breathe in, you savour the gift of life
but did you know that when i breathe in, i breathe in unspoken pain

did you know that when water runs, you delight in its sensation; cool it is, to your touch
but did you know that when water runs, i feel it mingle with tears unshed

a journey unfolds

a path not trod

choices made, decisions set in stone

gazing at you

i linger in between worlds

a world of maybes, a world of perhaps

a world of ever after

a world of smoke and mirrors

did you know, oh, did you know.



p.s. fiction, fiction and fiction.

the chase

running day and night

you across my mind

cliched it may be, if only you would cease

running day and night

i wandered after you

ever after, a never ending chase

stretching out my hands

a wishful dream i grasp

floating away

the chase remains

all that's left behind

i gather the letters you left

bangkok and beyond

on traveling alone

as i board the shuttle that would take me across the terminal to the departure lounge at the KLIA [kuala lumpur international airport], i am struck by a sense of deja vu.

last year this time, i was flying around the UK and spent considerable time waiting at airports, bus terminals, transit and departure lounges. somehow, here i am again -traveling on my own. and i thought i was done with it.

no doubt, this time, it is for work, and maybe, 70% pleasure. but it's still the same - traveling alone.

while it may seem glamourous to many, the fact that i fly around, i get to travel, and i get to just up and go; it is also a vastly lonely life.

last year, i was telling my friend that, yes, six months of traveling is fun, but six months of traveling alone is not as fun as it looks.

to and fro i go. while i may get to meet the unexpected friend along the way, there is also a sense of over-independence and solitude.

a quiet that is always with you.

a feeling that at the end of the day, when you close the door to your room, you're with yourself again.

bangkok

epic battle

finally finally managed to catch Battle of Red Cliffs, [Red Cliff 2], the chinese epic film i have been waiting since last year. and i loved loved loved it.

it was kinda long. i felt tired sitting for so long but i just love chinese war movies. i love war movies, period. i actually shed tears at war movies. maybe i'm a sadist. haha. nope. i'm just awed by the brilliance of the strategists. the plannings. the warriors. the bravery and heroic acts of these guys who believe in something enough that they die for it.

as i was watching the movie, something struck at the chord of my heart.

in the film, a 'new' weapon was designed. it could launch arrows continuously. it was marvelous, deadly and ahead of its time. but i realized that only a select group of people were chosen to use these top-of-the-line weapons. those who used them, were guys who were at the frontline of the attack. the same guys actually had to pass through several stages of tests and attacks before they got close enough to actually launch their weapons and defeat the enemy.

and i was thinking, He has great and mighty gifts for us all. He also has great and mighty purposes for us all. but for us to be able to actually use or even be given these gifts, we actually have to endure the ardous and often, nerve-breaking tests. there are wars to fight and victories to conquer before we are able to actually 'launch the arrow'.

and i wondered, yes. i may see the weapon. and yes, i may want it. it's brand-new. powerful. exciting. and everything i ever dream of. but to get to a place where i actually am able to 'use' it is a different matter.

you know, staying on course is actually way harder than launching the arrow.

fighting the fight is not really what comes at the end. it's the charge towards it.

NEW year indeed

it's the second day of the chinese lunar new year and it has been 3 dreadful days .... *sniff*. i wish it wasn't so. i wish i didn't have to say that such a beautiful and traditional celebration was dreadful but it was.

on the eve of the eve of the lunar new year [yes the night before the eve], i began to feel slightly nauseous. i was lying on my friend's couch and just listening to him talk but i felt like throwing up. i had a sick dread that i was coming down with food poisoning. i know the symptoms. it's horrible. that flash of pain in your stomache that comes and goes every few minutes. horrible.

anyway, the next morning, the eve of the lunar new year, i threw up 3 times and it wasn't even nine in the morning. i crawled into bed and between flashes of gut-wrenching pain, i was feverish and having the worst kind of headache. the abominable pain continued ALL DAY. the traditional reunion dinner was a no-go. i tried to be present but sitting there and listening to the noise around me and having to deal with the aromas of the food just made it worse. i slept in the car while the family finished 'reunion' dinner.

the first day of the lunar new year, i started to feel better towards the evening. the pain in my stomache was gone and my headache was subsiding. feeling slightly better, i decided to go get a few books around 8 in the evening as i knew i would be in bed for quite a few days.

the 'gods' must have been having fun with my misery. at 9pm, when trying to leave the darkening mall, the car wouldn't start. i tried and tried, to no avail. the car battery had died. i didn't know whether to scream, shout or cry. i was beginning to break into a cold sweat, feeling sick-ish and i couldn't go anywhere, stranded in the mall.

today, the second day of the lunar new year .... here i am. the scent of food still makes me nauseous. don't even mention the word food to me.

i must be having the greatest start of the lunar new year of all.






Happy Chinese New Year

bring me chamomile, sage and thyme
rosemary, lavender, parsley true
forever and ever twill really be
my heart to you, a lasting gift

grace in the grace

* random

wham! there it was. there it always was, that immediate, staggering lift of the heart....

so simple. so miraculous.

and that. that is what i'll hold out for.

picture taken on the night i wandered out and got lost in the floating petals

don't box me in

there are about 16 of us in my company. not 16 writers. but 16 people. not much i know, but we are actually a 'large' organization. between the 16 of us, we run three different companies and a thousand other projects. anyway, despite the small number of people in the company, i actually love working for a 'small' organization. i really do.

in the last two months, dad has been in and out of the hospital. unlike my brother and sister who work for MNCs, i've actually had the time to go to and from the hospital with them. my bosses have all been extremely understanding, allowing me to leave early when necessary, take leave in cases of emergencies and generally just have been really ... liberal. i do too, have a set amount of hours i have to work in a day. a set time where i have to be in the office and just the same workload but i think, it's been a real blessing that i had the understanding and support of my bosses.

being me, if i couldn't dash to the hospital in between breaks or leave early and take emergency days off, i wouldn't have been very productive at work. yes, i might have still gotten my work done, but i would have been restless, fidgety and just downright gloomy-looking.

if i were in my sis's or brother's condition, where there is absolutely no such freedom, i would have died or quit my job. i mean ... oh man, i can't. i can't just go to work when i know someone i love is in the hospital. especially when i know my parents aren't really able to communicate properly with the non-chinese attendants and docs. i can't sit around when i know there's something more pressing happening in the life of people who matter. i am a need-to-know kinda person. i need to know the progress; what happens; what will; what might and everything in between.

yes, i worked in an international organization too and i totally understand the need for such structures and rules in place. the 'iron reigns'. there would be utter chaos without it. abuse would definitely ensue. but it's just very sad that the world is at a point where there is no intergrity. no trust. and no ... compromise. because i really think that, sometimes, really, sometimes ... we have to remember that work is just that - work.

life is not about work. we don't live just to work. yes it's important. it's challenging. it's part of life. but if what we do is not what we want to do. if what we do does not in any way make us better, or make the people around us better, why do we do what we do? what is the point and really, why?

big picture. life.

life. is life.

and so He will

i haven't been around ... and i wish it was because i'm having an amazing-whirlwind social life. but no. it was back to the hospital. in and out. and ... lots of sitting around. lots of deep breathing. lots of waiting.

anyway, part I of the operation is done. and successfully so. now it's on to the tougher part, which no, i will not mention because i'm trying not to think about it now.

but you know what? He works in mysterious ways. throughout the ordeal, i never allowed myself to question Him. i mean, what for? it's a fact and there's no point asking why. i rather deal with it and face what i can change instead. so yes, i never berated Him or yelled at the injustice and difficulty of the journey but of course, i wish things were simpler. i wish things were easier.

in time, i've come to befriend the professors and doctors who worked on dad. not all, but those who really mattered and play a big part in dad's operation and monitoring of his condition. they go way beyond the call of duty. they have been personally caring, attentive and never once lost their patience with me, despite my endless questions and interrogations. in fact, one of them actually did an extremely noble and generous thing today.

and so here i'm thinking, while i may not see the future and i can not even imagine what tomorrow will be like, i guess i can and i should, trust that when it comes to things that count, HE surely WILL.NOT.fail.me.

even if i wonder. even if i worry. and even if i doubt and run away in denial, HE can't go back on His words. He said He will take care of me. and so He will.

15012009

on the way back from work yesterday, i called sis, thinking to go to dinner with her. i knew mum and dad would already have eaten, it was already 7 plus by then and they usually eat around 5+/6.

anyway, i called sis and i didn't even realize, until she pointed out, that it was thursday already. she's not free on thurdays. i can't believe how the days fly by. again, the weekend is here. i mean, i love weekends but really ... time is zooming by at an astonishing speed.

but well, since sis wasn't free, i didn't feel up to driving around and went home. i wanted to wash my hair and found out that there is NO shampoo. mum usually buys a few large bottles and keep them at home. but they've been busy with the hospital and stuff and i've been so busy with work, i didn't realize there was 'no stock' left.

it was already around 8 by then and yes, the malls are open. but i haven't had dinner and i really didn't feel up to driving out all the way just to get into a mall, get parking, get to the shop and then get into a lonnnnng queue for a bottle of shampoo. thank god for travel sized packs i keep at home.

and i was thinking, how do working mums do it?? where do they find the time and energy, i really don't know.

speak softly to me

my boss speaks really softly. really really softly. he's one of those nice, intelligent and soft-spoken guys. he probably never loses his temper.

anyway, my point is, he speaks sooo softly that every single person in the office never gets what he says, not the entire sentence anyway. we ALWAYS guess what he's saying. everyone of us usually only manages to catch two words out of his sentences and we have to then guess and figure out what the whole sentence is.

it's not that we don't ask him to repeat or like me, i keep saying "sorry?" ... "sorry??" that we end up looking pretty silly or deaf.

it's funny really. i'll go down and talk to one of the marketing guys, and he'll be like, "i'll send him an email". i'll ask, "why not just go ask him? he's upstairs..." and he'll go, "nope. i won't know what his reply is anyway..." hehe. it's funny.

the layout in the office is such that, i actually sit beside my boss, separated by a partition, and two other writers sit across the floor from us. when we THINK that our boss called one of us [we younger ones are always on our headphones with music blasting], we'll all look up and then STRAIN to hear what he's actually saying, or whom he's speaking to. usually, it's to me. but eventhough i sit BESIDE him, i've to actually stand up, lean over the partition and really really concentrate on his words.

such a rare, soft-spoken guy.