perspective

since i'm grasping for some semblance of normalcy, i'll do what i do best/most - analyze.

i once read that to avoid having negativity cloud our judgement and vision at difficult times, it's best to do 'normal' things. go about your day as usual. live.

but still,

sometimes, i wish i could just close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep, hoping that when i wake up, everything will be fine again. we will go on with our lives as usual. we will go for our usual dinners [which i usually force everyone into]. we will come home to mum and dad watching tv as usual. we will hear the usual noise and even quarrels at home. i will see mum and dad cooking. i will hear mum and dad talking. and when i come home late, i'll still see dad waiting up for me. i wish i could run away and come back to normalcy.

sometimes, for a very very brief moment, pain grips my heart and i fear the worst. of course i push all such thoughts away but being who i am, i've questioned all the doctors enough to know the extent of the condition. i've also read enough to know the risks. maybe it's sometimes better to be more like my sister. at least, the struggle for oblivion isn't that constant.

sometimes, i know that everything will be alright. i remember His promises. i remember what He told me. i remember He loves my dad more than anyone of us could. i know that He, despite everything, holds my dad in His hands. and i breathe again.

sometimes, i wish for denial. i wish for oblivion. i wish for avoidance. i wish for irresponsibility.

and then i remember, i can't hold it all. perspective is what i need.

thailand ... people there are suffering.
mumbai ... people there are dying.
some states in malaysia are flooded.
around me, friends are also going through various difficult situations.

so yes ... life...?

this is life. this is reality.

yes, i know all things pass. no one lives forever.

but not yet. not now.