i don't wann be....

i'm a nasty girl
i cringe but i have to admit i am, sometimes.

while i know none of us can be perfect, most of the time, i try to be reasonably good. you know, not being selfish, self centred, irritable, moody, bitchy or bitter. i don't like people like that so i try not to be so myself.

but then again, i'm known to have a terrible temper. oppps, past tense i hope. it's the curse of the family. most of us have a 'fiery' temper. we get angry and when we're angry, it's wise to stay far far away. i used to be irritated over the slightest thing and i didn't care who you were, if i was angry, you'd know it as i didn't bother hiding the fact i wasn't pleased. well, i think i have tamed the beast within me considerably but somedays, i just totally fail.

i also have the detrimental habit of wanting what i want - immediately. if i want something, then i'd do anything to get it. irregardless of how it affects others and whether i was in the right/wrong, if i wanted it that way, then it had to be so.

as i grow up, i realized that those are not pleasant nor likable traits. because i hate such people, i determined i wouldn't be such a person (despite my natural tendency to act that way). but humans err. this morning, i was seriously annoyed with 'S' because i wanted a particular book and have been waiting for it for a week. true, she hasn't given it to me for various reasons; some of my own fault, and some, due to her own principles. but i was just pure annoyed because i wanted it and i still haven't gotten it and as usual, i gave her a long piece of my mind.

and then, looking back, true. she has her reasons and i, mine. we're both looking at it from two different sides but my question is, do i really need the whole world to line up itself as and when i want/need something? does the universe really have to conspire for me to have what i want? if i truly think so, isn't it really ignorant and big-headed of me?

the world owes us nothing (contrary to what we always think). we are not here so that people can serve us and bow at our feet. we are not the kings and queens of the universe, treating all those in our away as ants to be ignored and stepped over. i always imagine that a scheming and 'ever-plotting' person must be really tired and neurotic at the end of the day, not to mention seriously lonely.
of course, i can't be who i am not. i'm talking more about mindset and attitute.

so; won't be so mule-headed. totally not beautiful.
such attitude only serves to reflect a shallow and small minded person. i don't wanna be a self-serving bitch

must.change.mindset.