brutal is sometimes good

one of my resolutions this year (yeah, i DO make them, as we all do, and i also TRY to keep them) is to be brutally honest - with myself.

it's so easy to overlook/close an eye/pretend something is not so and delude ourselves when it comes to ourselves. in fact, i think that it's easier to lie to ourselves than to others. well, it is for me anyway. we pretend something never happened or we totally ignore a glaring truth about ourselves; if that something happens to not line up with what we imagine it to be. we close our eyes and prod on happily, totally disregarding that something is 'off'.

despite the strangely loud voice in our hearts and conscience reminding and poking us, we prefer instead to just gloss over it, brazenly pretending it can't be true and tell ourselves otherwise. i've done that often. well sometimes, i truly am blind to my own faults. but other times, i realize how silly something is yet don't seem to want to acknowledge it. prefering instead to ignore it, hoping it will eventually disappear or prove to be untrue. haha. wake up my dear.

so ... i made a resolution that no matter how ugly the truth is, i will not let myself blindly go on. i aimed to be honest; brutally honest with myself.

not easy. seriously not easy.

in fact, sometimes, some issues make me cringe and go, darn, am i really like that? or how could i have done such a thing? said such a thing? acted in such a way?? if not careful, we could even spiral into a bottomless pit of depression.

yet, despite the reasonable discomfort, it is a totally liberating sensation.

by acknowledging it, i allow myself to accept the fact AND change it, thus making sure it does not happen again. whereas if i chose to close an eye on it, it won't go away (contrary to all our hopes and prayers) and it will come back, rearing its ugly head and taunting us again and again.

so yes, i fail. (sometimes, again and again)
i moan. i groan. i despair at the glaring flaws in me.
YET, i also rejoice.
i revel and i rest in the fact that, true, i might have been so and so, might have acted in a totally unacceptable way, but by acknowledging it, i also stand my ground and face it.

it won't come back again.

and that's one victory worth celebrating