remember, remember

it's a saturday. or should i say, it's a non working saturday. very very wonderful. after days and weeks of waking up very early, i slept in today. it's a long holiday weekend for many in malaysia. tomorrow's our National Day; August 31, Malaysia's Independance Day. thus the 3 holiday weekend.

but i then was thinking, sadly, most of us could only rejoice in the fact that it's a long holiday. many i know go off for holidays or just plan for a long weekend of fun and nothing else. that's good but we forget or maybe we don't really care that the holiday is because it's OUR National Day. that's sad.

whether we're patriotic or not, i think it means something that our country is free and independant. most of us young ones grow up in this freedom that it means nothing at all to us. i don't know what it really was like, growing up and living in the days when we were colonized by the Dutch, British and the Japanese but i can imagine it was not easy. i can imagine how just trying to survive the day and getting food was difficult especially during the war period.

but because we grow up in the comforts of today; the hip-happening and beautiful city, we don't realize it took a lot to be where we are today. AND that there are still nations around the world struggling for independance, identity and just survival even.

so yes, we are a young country. just 51 this year. but you know, even only after 51 years, we forget what it was like. will we still care come another 51 years?

or worse still, what will we look like in 51 years time?

so .... Happy Birthday Malaysia.

I'll remember.

changing hearts

smile, don't frown,
a change of heart

praise, don't criticize
a change of heart

laugh, don't groan
a change of heart

touch and linger
a change of heart

breathe in, savour
a change of heart

rejoice,
celebrate,
a change of heart

wait,
watch,
learn,
a change of heart

share,
hold,
love,
a change of heart


a change of heart
a heart of change

look and see

two days ago, i was having drinks with two very dear friends, just catching up on each other's life and spending some time together. and something happened which really made me sit back and think.

we were in this 'posh' area, having coffee in yeah, The Coffee Bean when suddenly, a man approached us. now, this is where it gets .... 'so?'.

well, WE (city people) are very used to being interrupted by sales people who come and ask us to buy things; practically shoving their goods in our faces whether we're eating or drinking, and people asking for donations and charity. and yes, we are so used to seeing these people whom we find irritating and rude to some extent, that we immediately dimiss them the moment they approach us, right? whether they're selling us something or asking for donations, we straight away shut off and block whatever they want to say. in fact, if they're of the group-that-asks-for-donation, we often question the legality of what they're doing and where the money goes.

well, my friends and i were there having coffee and this guy approached. he stood beside me offering us 3D jigsaw models, not even attractive ones. and without even looking at him, or thinking about it, i immediately said no. that's always our first reaction. my friends said no too. because firstly, we don't like strangers approaching us and secondly, we're quite cynical already and often, we doubt the 'use-ability' and 'intention' of these people. true, some of these guys are plain rude; they don't leave despite repeated nos. but we don't even look at them most of the time. we just say no.

but that day, even though we all said no, he still stood there. and we finally really looked at him and he was ... slightly handicapped. i still did not consider buying the items (sadly, because again, what's new with that right?) whereas my friends actually had a change of heart after seeing him. and they bought the jigsaws.

and it just struck me.

you know, we think we're so sophisticated and worldly-wise that we have no time for the 'little people'. not just the handicapped, but people outside our group. if they're of no use to us (just typing it pierces my heart; the cynicism and ugly truth of it), we just don't bother with them do we?? if they look 'normal' or 'underdressed', we might not even see them.

my friends (fortunate them) are older, and they live and work in a rather secluded circle; where they are with people of the same faith all the time and they are more open towards the possibilities of miracles. hey, i am with them too but because more of my time is spent with people of the 'city', i tend to forget and be swept away by the gods of cynicism, reality and society. they're not all bad but hey, look around.

my friends might not have saved the world or made a million that day. but a small gesture reminded me that hey, there ARE other people out there. see them.

just two words, but really. see them.

created and not manufactured

last night, i was thinking about the difference between 'create' and 'manufacture'.

"to manufacture is to invent fictitiously; fabricate; concoct or to produce in a mechanical way without inspiration or originality"
"to create is to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes. it is to evolve from one's own thought or imagination, as a work of art or an invention"

similar yet not the same isn't it? *definition according to the dictionary.com*

i love it. and this is why,

i love the fact that i was created, not manufactured
i love the fact that the love He has for me is not manufactured but true;
something i can stand on. something i know will always be there.
i love the fact that the world was created, not merely manufactured;
making it real and meaningful. with a purpose, it was created.
i love the fact that things happen in my life because it was created to be so, not manufactured, manipulated or mechanical, and god forbid, fabricated.
i love the fact that the joy in my life was created, for me;
to feel, enjoy, savour and delight in.
it was not manufatured, it was not provoked nor is it fictitious.
i love the fact that i am here not by ordinary processes but out of inspiration;
out of an absolutely pure love and truth, i was created.
i love the fact that i was not manufactured;
imagine being just one of the mass toys churned out day and night.
with absolutely no design, purpose or thought put into it,
i'm glad i am not just one-of-the-many
i love the fact that i was not manufactured.
i was not randomly put together. i was not an experiment. i was not a coincidence.
i love the fact that i was not manufactured;
instead i have the freedom and space to embrace, experiment and explore -
who i am and who i can be
i love the fact that i was not manufactured because i now rest in this knowledge -
I WAS CREATED.
i was "caused to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes. I evolved from one's own thought and imagination, as a work of art or an invention"


some people gape and go, what? you rather opt for ‘you were created’? doesn’t that make you ‘weak and powerless’? because being created means that there is someone higher up. there is someone in control (gasp) of my life. and the person at the wheel is not me. well, why not? if the choice was either i was created, or i just happened to be, surely the fact that i was created would be wiser, safer and logical wouldn't it? let's see,

if i just happened to be, everything in my life would be a chance
if i just happened to be, everything in my life would be a trial and error
if i just happened to be, whatever i feel would be for no ultimate purpose
if i just happened to be, my feelings would be shallow and all-over-the-place
if i just happened to be, everyone in my life would also just happen to be there
if i just happened to be, every moment of my life would be a 'maybe' and 'perhaps'
if i just happened to be, life would be an endless struggle of 'what ifs' and 'let's see'
if i just happened to be, tell me why then do i need to be?
if i just happened to be, tell me why then do you need to care?
if i just happened to be, really ... tell me what is the point??

so yes, i was created; happy to be so.

Ever

You watched over me when I was formed
You watched over me as I was delivered,
Wailing and kicking, I entered the world with gusto

You watched over me as I turned, toppled and crawled around
Stumbling about, You watched and made sure I was safe

You watched over me as I breathed, gurgled and spoke my first few words
Swallowing, munching, nibbling, You made sure I never really choked

You watched over me as I grew
As I stretched both mind and body, You gave me room to grow
Taking everything in, I questioned all I saw
Experimenting, You let me try
Never holding me back, You gave me freedom to choose
Even knowing I was wrong, knowing it would hurt, You let me go
You let me soar, You let me fall

Yet throughout it all
You stayed with me

Rebellious, Stubborn and Proud
You never left the terror that was me

You could have just given up
You could have just washed Your hands off me

Watching me make the wrong choices
Watching me make choices that brought You pain
You stayed with me
Enduring, Everlasting, that is You

So now I ask

Watch over me
as I try
Watch over me
as I hope
Watch over me
as I discover

the final way to You
the life and path You crafted
Beautiful
I know it will be beautiful

Watch over me
as I journey on this road
Watch over me
ever, ever, watch over me

brutal is sometimes good

one of my resolutions this year (yeah, i DO make them, as we all do, and i also TRY to keep them) is to be brutally honest - with myself.

it's so easy to overlook/close an eye/pretend something is not so and delude ourselves when it comes to ourselves. in fact, i think that it's easier to lie to ourselves than to others. well, it is for me anyway. we pretend something never happened or we totally ignore a glaring truth about ourselves; if that something happens to not line up with what we imagine it to be. we close our eyes and prod on happily, totally disregarding that something is 'off'.

despite the strangely loud voice in our hearts and conscience reminding and poking us, we prefer instead to just gloss over it, brazenly pretending it can't be true and tell ourselves otherwise. i've done that often. well sometimes, i truly am blind to my own faults. but other times, i realize how silly something is yet don't seem to want to acknowledge it. prefering instead to ignore it, hoping it will eventually disappear or prove to be untrue. haha. wake up my dear.

so ... i made a resolution that no matter how ugly the truth is, i will not let myself blindly go on. i aimed to be honest; brutally honest with myself.

not easy. seriously not easy.

in fact, sometimes, some issues make me cringe and go, darn, am i really like that? or how could i have done such a thing? said such a thing? acted in such a way?? if not careful, we could even spiral into a bottomless pit of depression.

yet, despite the reasonable discomfort, it is a totally liberating sensation.

by acknowledging it, i allow myself to accept the fact AND change it, thus making sure it does not happen again. whereas if i chose to close an eye on it, it won't go away (contrary to all our hopes and prayers) and it will come back, rearing its ugly head and taunting us again and again.

so yes, i fail. (sometimes, again and again)
i moan. i groan. i despair at the glaring flaws in me.
YET, i also rejoice.
i revel and i rest in the fact that, true, i might have been so and so, might have acted in a totally unacceptable way, but by acknowledging it, i also stand my ground and face it.

it won't come back again.

and that's one victory worth celebrating

missing missed miss

dear cass,

i miss the times we spent together
i miss the times we wrote letters to each other and mailed them across the states
i miss the times, when we were older, we'd just go shopping, browsing, laughing
i miss the times when we were on holiday, having nothing to do, we just both laid on the cool marble floor and dreamt
i miss the times when you just watched your fave horror movies while i read as we rested in silence, knowing we didn't have to fill our time together with activities
i miss the times we reminisce and plot our dreams and lives
i miss the times we did crazy things like pluck flowers, walk out for snacks, spy on our cousin's girlfriend
i miss our midnight supper trips
i miss the times we went for impromptu hair cuts or some equally crazy things
i miss the times we waited and bitched about the public transport
i miss the times where we spent the entire day eating, from one shop to another
i miss the times we went on our whirlwind shopping trips
i miss the times we spent waiting for the coach
i miss the times we watched some crazy 'fire ants' getting provoked by us poking them with leaves
i miss the times we played with firecrackers and lanterns, burning everything we could find
i miss the times i could drive over to meet you anytime we wanted
i miss the times we disagree yet wisely remained silent as we're both extremely 'firey'
i miss having someone who knows me so well i don't have to spell it out
i miss having someone who thought just what i was thinking and all it took was one look or a wink
i miss our crazy sense of humour
i miss our silly midnight movie trips, watching silly movies at really dodgy cinemas
most of all, i miss having you around
miss having someone to laugh with
miss having someone to disagree with
miss having someone to do crazy things with
miss having someone to yell at

miss you cousin dear, sure do miss you.

to talk or not to talk

i'm a really odd person. i think. sometimes.

i'm usually chatty, chirpy and downright 'bright'. haha. i practically beam and i love everything and anyone around. BUT there are the moments when i'm a total frankenstein. i wonder often wheter i'm an 'isolationist' (yeah, i read that word somewhere). because i love being alone just as much. in fact, i need to. at least once every two or three days. i need to go out alone. stay in alone. or just plain be alone. i need to be left alone. i stay in. i read. i potter about but whatever it is, i just need the quiet. it's like i 'recharge' during such moments. such moments invigorate and just make me 'me'. if i don't get to be alone once in a while, i feel zapped of all energy and just empty. very very tired.

and then there are the moments when i just don't want to talk. there'll still be a million and one thoughts and questions going on in my head but during those moments, please don't talk to me. it's alright when i'm alone. but if i'm with people, it's difficult. my family knows when i'm in that 'mood' so they leave me alone and not talk to me (funny actually when i think about it) but yes, they know and they won't talk to me. but if i'm with relatives or other people, it's .... yucks. i love them dearly but i just want to be quiet once in a while and keep my thoughts to myself you know? it's not you. it's just me. i want to absorb. to listen. remain silent. just watch.

but some people don't get the hint. haha. it's like, i'll be giving out one syllable answers yet they'll continue yakking and going on, completely unaware of the fact that i'm not that into the conversation. is it me?? gosh i think so. coz i look at my sis and she is the polar opposite.

she seems to thrive on being with people 24/7. she's always out, never at home (except to sleep). she's ALWAYS with someone, always moving about; being in the middle of something. the only times she's not with people are the times she's asleep. just imagining a life like that makes me recoil in horror.

so is it just me?
oh dear. i'm really odd.

randomness

let's absorb

i wonder what the world wants? what do you think people are really after?

money? and then what?
career? and then what?
cars and properties? and then what?
fame? and then what?
glamour? and then what?
notoriety? and then what?
more of all of these, and then what?

*haha, i'm being cheeky but really, 'and then what??'*

what the world doesn't want:

the 'burden' of a family
unplanned children
responsibilities
commitments
rules and restrictions
questions

haha, you know what? looking at it, i think the world doesn't want to grow up. in fact! i HAVE heard many telling me they wish they could turn back time and be a child again. i seriously disagree.

i had a great childhood. totally enjoyed every moment of it and loved the entire time but i also love being who i am and where i am now. i have learned things i never knew, experienced and done things which have helped me see the world better. see myself better. like butterflies, i think none of them, if they could speak, will want to go back into a coccon. true. it's comfortable. easy, pretty even and safe. but it also restricts. bounds and encases. ewwwww, think mummies. you don't want to be embalmed and 'preserved' forever do you? yeah, you might stay looking young and pretty, but besides collecting dust and causing allergies to many, what good is a mummy?

i have digressed.

anyway, yes. the world doesn't seem to want to grow up. despite the chase and cut-throat-rat-race of the world, i think it is all a facade. i'm guessing that most of them, if asked at the end of the day, won't really know what they're so desperately chasing after (not all of them, most of them). i read once that whether you win or lose in rat-race, you still end up a rat. so true. so true. may i never forget that.

for me? well .... i think i'm balancing my life pretty neatly. i love my job. love work. love people and i also get to love 'life'. like today.

i went wandering around the city centre with my aunt. we did nothing much. just shopped, walked around. had coffee. and i came home when i wanted to. i feel tired. so i rest. i read. i write. i listen now to the rain. what do I want??

i want:

life.

life in the truest sense.
life in the purest form.

love
laughter
little moments of joy
delightful memories
stimulating conversations
quiet moments spent with a loved one; doing nothing maybe, enjoying the silence
challenging work, mentally and spiritually
emotionally satisfying days and nights
watching life
absorbing it

simple, simple
yet altogether lovely

complicated complications

by the way, i was also thinking, on a lighter note.

i think life was meant to be simple. not too simple, but simple. i don't think life was ever supposed to be complicated.

i really enjoyed my time in England. yes, sometimes, i was bored out of my mind. nothing was open after a certain hour. and shops and malls were actually closed on sundays (yeah. grimaces. totally unbelievable). i actually peeked into the closed doors to make sure it was really closed. compared to a city where nothing closes; everything or most things stay open 24/7, 365 days a year, that was utter horror to me. but then after thinking it over, it actually proves that people there took time to 'live'.

they took time to not work. to keep certain days and time for themselves or just to do things they wanna do. they took time to just 'live'!!

like today, i had so much to do. i'm exhausted now. but i'm happy. because i had a simply great day. simple and great. i went to work. i then went to interview a princess (yeah, totally surreal, but she's very down-to-earth and friendly) and after that, my boss and i just took a buggy and went off, driving around on a pretty course. i felt the wind. i sat in the warmth of the sun. i literally watched the grass. and went back to work. another meeting. another long day. but there were little moments. there was pure enjoyment.

whereas most of us are like, yeah, we can get anything we want; anytime of the day and we can go out any hour of the day and still find entertainment and food, but again, at whose cost? whose time? whose life???

i'm all for technology and progress, but hmmmmm .....

were we ever meant to be THAT complicated?
'complicated' leads to complication you know....?

ps: and i'm so going to sleep in tomorrow. ahhhh, pure bliss

in order to gain, they lost

"as the line blurs
as vision fades
i scream
nooooo
don't go
don't leave
i can't see you anymore

i watch them flounder
i watch them sink
i gasp, i weep
i weep for what could have been

why must it be so?

is there truly nothing left?
what went wrong? where did faith go?

did You move away? or did we forget?

yes....
I think we forgot
so, never let us forget

remind, refresh, remember the times
the times we saw Your face
the times we felt Your hand

Holding us
Nurturing us
You lifted us
You carried us through

never let us forget
never let us forget"

a friend was telling me of someone we once knew. a man of great faith. a man of great influence. deceived and deceiving, he shocked the world. he shocked us all. and my friend just said, 'another one fell'.

one simple phrase. one heart-piercing phrase.
another one??? what do you mean another one??
have we grown so accustomed to seeing and hearing of such things that we take it all in stride and go, 'oh, just another one'. *screams*

this is why we're not where we should be! this is why the world may look as if it's going forward but instead is totally degenerating. i think we've completely lost it. where is humanity? what is community? do you still know what connection means? does the word 'touch' mean anything to you?

no, don't tell me what the world tells you. tell me what your heart tells you.

it breaks my heart to see how lightly we take life nowadays; both our own and others. some may think that they're loving themselves; going for the ultimate career, the highest achievement, the best the world can offer. but at what cost? is that it? tell me what comes next.

and some....life is just life. just another day. oh how i detest that phrase. there is no such thing as 'just another day'. there shouldn't be. everyday is different. every minute is different. it can never be relived, repeated or even rediscovered.

why do we allow ourselves to be so blinded and sidetracked that nothing really matters. where is the balance?

to hold everything so closely that you lose sight of everything else? or to keep everything out so that nothing ever touches you? show me the real you.

i love my life and i'm not at all perfect but i hope i never lose sight of what life is about and why it matters. i enjoy everyday, i delight in every moment of my life. i wake up happy; ready, very very ready to welcome in another brand new day.
yet, when i look around .... my.heart.breaks.

for what the world has lost

in order to gain, they lost.

he, she, you or me??

there seems to be so many events and things to do, people to meet, stuff to follow up on lately that even in my sleep, i somehow feel that my brain is still thinking, planning and working. oh dear. must stop being such a 'compulsive organizer'. i'm that way. i like things worked out, planned and organized. they don't always happen as i plan them to, and i love surprises and changes but i also like them worked out beforehand. however, it is not very good for my soul as i then tend to 'overwork' my brain and think 24/7. i seriously remember 'organizing' and thinking of my articles in my sleep last night!!! oh.no. haha

i wake up with a thousand and one things planned and ready to be done. eewww. when did i become such a whirlwind workaholic? must not let that happen. calm, cool. laidback - that's more like me. i like to travel. i like people. i wanna see the world. i want connection. so, no no. must.slow.down.

anyway, last night, as i was floating between being asleep and still awake, i was thinking: i think we're in danger of losing our identities. 'we' being people in the city; busy, technology-savvy people.

i was talking to this guy the other night, bemoaning the fact that nowadays, our pictures and things do not belong to us any longer. for example, the pictures i post on my facebook (the one major 'conqueror'). once posted, they actually no longer belong to me!!! anyone, and i mean ANYone can copy and paste them and use them in any way they want. texts and articles, messages or notes, everything can be copied and pasted with a click of the mouse and you 'lose' the 'owner-ship'. i can take a quote anywhere online and repost it as my own. no one would know, or no one would really care. if you really look at it, can you imagine the horror of it all?
at the end of the day, what belongs to you? who are you? where are you really??

true, this technology craze has indeed made lives better (relatively) and it has enabled worldwide communication to the best but it has also (in my opinion) created several major downfalls.

people begin to lose creativity. originality. identity (gasp!)

it's true. i think we might get to the point where we won't know who we really are. he, she, you or me??

it is a hurricane that slowly sucks one into a world where nothing-is-impossible, 'everything, beckons, lures and devours'. we get so carried away that, if we're not careful, we end up forgetting, what, where, who and why.

the line between what's real and solid and what's fleeting but enticing is no longer visible.

i've always believed the songs are one of the things that reflect who we are and what we really feel. songs nowadays have titles like 'when i grow up...' and 'i wanna kiss a girl' - sung by supposedly adults. what does that say about us??

but really, i'm speaking more about this city. my city; the city that never sleeps. forever racing, forever running after the elusive beauty and entity called 'life'.

life, as we know it, will never be the same again....

but is that really what we want? i think i rather go for quality .

anchor me forever

life has been a whirlwind these past few days.
i've been going from event to event, launches, one after another; celeb filled, fashionistas, glamourous events. alcohol. tobacco. glitter and glitz to the hilt.

and i was thinking throughout it all, most of my friends (those not of my faith) envy my work: socializing. drinking. beautiful things and people day in and day out. i enjoy it too, but....

isn't it easy to get carried away? as my colleague was driving me to yet another event today, i looked out the window and silently thought to myself, thank god i have an anchor in my life. in fact, not one, but many.

i don't want to be yet another shooting star; like the beautiful people i see around; 'here one day, gone tomorrow'. i wondered if anyone would notice if one of them is missing. or even if they do, they would most probably just go 'oh. ok. let's move on'. of course, not all friendships made at such events are superficial. i have met some truly special people. but by and large, most of them are just 'on the surface', hi-bye kind of meetings.

i'm relieved i know where i stand and i'm relieved knowing that my life is securely anchored in One i know i can believe in, lean on and trust my life with. i know that whatever i see around me, however pleasant, it is fleeting but i, have something eternal in me and yes, i might be 'in' this lifestyle, but i remind myself my purpose and reason for being amongst it all.

i'm relieved too, knowing that i have mentors and people who love me dearly in my life, who'll warn me when i stray, nudge me when i look away and remind me of what life is all about. do you know why on earth you are here, living this life?

*smiles*

at the end of it all, i can go home, look at my family, at loved ones and remember; this is life.

as i always do, i go right back to the root of whatever is on my mind and my mind turned to the anchor.

an anchor. not large. not ostentatious. not glamourous at all (in fact, it is often left to rust, only ever looked for in cases of emergencies). it is small, sturdy, steely even. yet this one small 'thing' (we often overlook) holds giant ships even in the fiercest of storms. it keeps lives safe. it keeps hope afloat. and eventhough it is often forgotten and neglected, it remains as a symbol of 'life'.

thank you for being you, anchor.

thank you for keeping me sane and anchored in this increasingly insane world

of rice, rice bowls and chopsticks

i'm descended from a pure line of chinese ancestry and i love it
i love all races but i love being chinese.
there are certain quirks that only the chinese will do and seeing them; being reminded by how chinese the chinese are is just plain amusing

only the chinese live together even after they're married and have their own children
only the chinese keep furniture, car and whatever else still wrapped up in their plastic bags even after having bought them for years.
only the chinese eat a 12 course meal, drink like fis.h and yell and scream at all weddings and celebratory feasts- in the name of fun
only the chinese will immediately ask about the registration number of a car in an accident so that they can 'bet' on it.
only the chinese will brag and compare their kids with every other cousin on earth.
only the chinese will counter-offer to pay at all meals for longer than necessary.
only the chinese offer, burn and leave all sorts of food and papier-mache stuff for the dearly departed on the side of roads.
only the chinese celebrate Mooncake Festival, eating mooncakes, drinking tea and playing lanters (or candles for the more mischievous like me).
only the chinese expect you to visit year after year and tell them about everything under the sun. there are no secrets in the family and every single detail is magnified and examined.
only the chinese play mahjong all year round. in fact, they gamble at every opportunity; poker, black jack, numbers, lotteries, games and everything under the sun.
only the chinese make sure their kids eat every drop of food during dinner, even though the serving is probably more for an adult
only the chinese would consider a meal without rice not a proper meal
what about toothpicks after meals? only they carry some at all times, for all meals.

the list goes on ....

and it gives me a warm feeling just 'remembering' how chinese we chinese are

for the child within

the beauty of regret

it never matches up

do you realize that we have the capability for such a great imagination that often, things don't turn up the way we imagined it to be. or what we remember is often better than what it really is?

it happens to me all the time. ok. for example.

you know how i grew up reading Enid Blyton books? So i imagined England to be this rural, cottage-filled, quaint place. Take out all the fairies, elves, goblins and whatever-nots trotting about and living harmoniously, there are still the cute and charming animals. well, i went for a walk in the forest in April, somewhere in England, and saw a mole. it so wasn't the mole i saw in the picture depicted in the book. it was SO small i nearly stepped ON IT. in the book, it was this slightly squirrel-sized, grandfather looking thing. but in reality, it was so-small-you-blink-and-miss-it.

kangaroos too. what's with the joey in the pouch and beautiful tan fur? in reality? grey, lumpy and lazy-don't-bother-to-hop animals. haha.

then there are our memories of things that are not really that way. when i was young, i loved disney cartoons and others like 'carebears' and 'the magic ponies'. i searched high and low and found a copy of snow white. when i watched it, i was really really disappointed. i wish i did not instead because i subconsciously compared them to the graphics and advertisements we are bombarded with everyday, those 1D/2D cartoons are quite a letdown. it totally destroyed my imagination and childhood fascination.

so i was thinking, i really miss 'carebears' and 'the magic ponies', heck, even doraemon. i'd love to watch them again but would i be very very disappointed after? i might.

so somethings are better left as memories.

there's a beautiful saying in cantonese; the beauty of something not attainable.
similar to the beauty of regret.

sometimes, if you look hard enough, you truly feel the beauty of 'missing' something
absence makes the heart fonder, no?

i don't wann be....

i'm a nasty girl
i cringe but i have to admit i am, sometimes.

while i know none of us can be perfect, most of the time, i try to be reasonably good. you know, not being selfish, self centred, irritable, moody, bitchy or bitter. i don't like people like that so i try not to be so myself.

but then again, i'm known to have a terrible temper. oppps, past tense i hope. it's the curse of the family. most of us have a 'fiery' temper. we get angry and when we're angry, it's wise to stay far far away. i used to be irritated over the slightest thing and i didn't care who you were, if i was angry, you'd know it as i didn't bother hiding the fact i wasn't pleased. well, i think i have tamed the beast within me considerably but somedays, i just totally fail.

i also have the detrimental habit of wanting what i want - immediately. if i want something, then i'd do anything to get it. irregardless of how it affects others and whether i was in the right/wrong, if i wanted it that way, then it had to be so.

as i grow up, i realized that those are not pleasant nor likable traits. because i hate such people, i determined i wouldn't be such a person (despite my natural tendency to act that way). but humans err. this morning, i was seriously annoyed with 'S' because i wanted a particular book and have been waiting for it for a week. true, she hasn't given it to me for various reasons; some of my own fault, and some, due to her own principles. but i was just pure annoyed because i wanted it and i still haven't gotten it and as usual, i gave her a long piece of my mind.

and then, looking back, true. she has her reasons and i, mine. we're both looking at it from two different sides but my question is, do i really need the whole world to line up itself as and when i want/need something? does the universe really have to conspire for me to have what i want? if i truly think so, isn't it really ignorant and big-headed of me?

the world owes us nothing (contrary to what we always think). we are not here so that people can serve us and bow at our feet. we are not the kings and queens of the universe, treating all those in our away as ants to be ignored and stepped over. i always imagine that a scheming and 'ever-plotting' person must be really tired and neurotic at the end of the day, not to mention seriously lonely.
of course, i can't be who i am not. i'm talking more about mindset and attitute.

so; won't be so mule-headed. totally not beautiful.
such attitude only serves to reflect a shallow and small minded person. i don't wanna be a self-serving bitch

must.change.mindset.

monday-so-not-blue

Monday 180808. 9.55am. back to work, back to reality. that fantasy land called weekend is gone till it comes back next.

out there, it's grey, rainy and slightly windy.

i'm bleary-eyed, sleepy and sniffling, a case of monday morning sinus i call it.
i'm also alternating between looking at the screen with one eye (left, then right, then left). I do this when i figure i'm that sleepy and my eyes need to take turn resting, haha. so i drive [early in the morning] this way. i write this way or i read this way when my eyes are protesting from lack of some eye-love @ sleep.

the radio is irritating me with some mr.potato snack adverts and i can't turn it off because my colleagues look just as zombie-like and they need to music to blast them awake. so whilst i find local english stations annoying and terribly repetitive, i can't do anything about it except to plug my own mp3 in, turn it up louder and tune out. well, i have mentally half tuned out anyway. it's too early. it's monday. no one's going to talk to each other [yet]. we're all polite people aren't we?

and i was thinking, why in the world, do we always blame it on the monday blues. what is 'monday blues' and who in the world came up with it anyway? so, i did some quick checking up and apparently, the worst day of the entire year is January 22 (really, don't ask me. I don't know why) and that particular year, Jan 22 was on a Monday so it became the Monday blues. not really logical to me therefore, i conclude that there is no real historical fact or reason for this term.

so, i came up with my own conclusions.

firstly, the term probably came about mainly because people so enjoyed their weekends that come the first day of work, they found it difficult to drag their hung-up-partied-to-death and weary body to work. which means, if the weekend was say, weds and thursday, they'd come up with 'friday blues' nonetheless because that would be the first 'back to work' day.

secondly, monday blues probably came about from songs and lyrics. you know how certain songs have really catchy titles which end up being converted into and used as proper words despite not being so? in more modern circumstances, there are examples like 'fergalicious', y'all, 'flo', and the grammatically challenged terms and phrases we see teens mouth nowadays. hearing them make me cringe though i try not to grimace too obviously. for example, 'you is the man', 'i heart you' or 'we the man'. o h m y g o d. let's move on. [sometimes they're fun to say but pls remember they're not legit]

anyway, i think, again, we are so programmed to think that monday is a blue day that whatever goes wrong, we blame it on being the monday blues. and if we feel shitty or dreary, we accept it as part and parcel of 'monday blues'.

hmmmmmm. really? patut ke?

true, it's a grey day today. it's drizzling. it's quiet. i'm recovering from two late nights out. my hair reeks of eau de cigarette (i don't even smoke, that's the ick factor) despite repeated wash and i'm sniffling like an addict and being unacceptably quiet, but it could be a marvelous day.

i have an extremely busy week (groans at calendar) ahead, scheduled dinner every night, events, people visiting and my favourite of all, i welcome and look forward to my lovely friend; 'Ms.Surprise'. i love having surprises in my life. the unexpected little pokes and things that just turn up and delight; the bundles of joy, laughter and fun. an unexpected letter. a flower i didn't expect to see. a song i didn't expect to hear. some book i find hidden and tucked away. a nice impulse shopping spree....

of course, not all surprises are nice, but don't throw the baby out with the basket. take it all in stride and you'll be surprised at how fun life can turn out.

so, hello Monday, come in come in.

that thing called 'time'

ever heard of the phrase "to kill time?" or "killing time"

i think i know how it originated. or rather, why.

i'm so bored. so so so bored but at work (well, officially,there's just half an hour left and it's a saturday). i have to clarify that work is usually exhilarating and mentally stimulating but today is a work replacement day and there are just 4 of us; all 4 of us pretending to work, waiting for 1.30 to strike [one is blasting rock music, one is playing games, one watching the games, and me? working my fingers] ok anyway, back to topic.

i hate having nothing to do yet having to be where i have to be. i don't mind having nothing to do at home. or nothing to do when i'm out and about. but to have nothing to do at work is just pure torture. here you sit for hours with your work done or, waiting for work to come your way while you pretend you're working. sure, we could be productive and do research.

but hey, today is a saturday and there's just half an hour to go so i'm officially allowed to berate and moan the fact that i'm bored and i.am.killing.time.

i want to kill time. i want to kill something, anything, anyone. no wonder they came up with the phrase 'to kill time'. imagine it. it'd be a pleasure, at least for me.

time is such a whimsical being.
sometimes, it runs so fast, you wonder where it went and how in the world you're ever supposed to catch up with it. like the times i have so much to do in so little time, i don't know where to begin, i rush around, speed around and have absolutely no time to catch my breath or even remember my own name.

sometimes, it seems to drag on, minute by excruciating minute. it doesn't seem to want to budge and it sits there taunting and smirking - "ah ha, there's nothing you can do to move me". "i will tick by as slowly as i want, dragging your misery to pluto and back. so what? there's not a single thing you can do. just watch me". yeah i sure am watching time.

powerful isn't it? yeah. time is powerful. you can't slow it down. you can't change it. you can't hurry it, you can't turn it back. you can't bottle it (as much as i sometimes want to) and you can't erase it. as much as i want to fly through time and time zones, i also can't. we're totally at its mercy. quite a scary notion actually.

so, "dear time, i'll treat you well, i'll respect and honour you. in return, treat me kindly. love me, let me treasure the sweet moments and pray speed up the dreadful waiting-for-whatever-i-am-waiting-for periods"

love,
me

ps: for example, when i'm sleeping, go slow so i can sleep longer ;)
pps: and it only took me 6 mins to write this and i still have 24 mins before i then rush off to begin my weekend and try to cram everything i wanna do in it ?!?!?

only in my mind

Only in my mind
I touch your face
See you day and night
Lie in your arms

This is my home
Only in my mind

Stolen kisses, stolen moments
Only in my mind

Only in my mind
I run through fields of blooms;
Golden sunflowers
Royal Lavender
Silver groves of Olive
Brilliant fields of heather

Climbing rainbows
Floating on clouds; I soar above it all
Lifting my arms
Swirling in the breeze
I welcome in the world

Only in my mind
I make believe
Playing with crystals
Dressed in glimmering moonlight
I live on never ending Joy

Sitting on Contentment
Resting on Peace
I sip on Love
And hold the rays of Hope

Hello Madam Twilight
Goodbye Mr.Dusk
See you tomorrow little Ms.Dawn

Only in my mind
I converse with rabbits
Sing with the birds
On issues of the world

Only in my mind
I walk on golden paths;
Tread on autumn leaves,
Dancing on the wind
I sing at one with Eve

Only in my mind ... You exist entirely

I exist eternally ... Only in my mind

me, fast?!? more like die. die die dying

11.08am : i.am.hungry.very. very. hungry.

i'm attempting to fast. should 'bold' attempt.
churches nationwide are on a 'light up the nation' 40days fast. yeah, 40 days. possible ke? apparently so. this is not the first year but it is MY first year attempting it (again). i always failed. fail teruk gila. i can never diet. i can never say no to nibbling/munching/shacking oopps i mean snacking. and i'm attempting to fast now. wth?!?!

i keep telling myself, "what's so hard lar? everyone's doing it. think of sharon. think of him, think of her. they are all on it too. surely you can too?" the power of the mind. mind, mind, mind. think of star wars zone and focus.
but i think i'm seeing stars. i feel zapped of all energy rather than motivated -.-
i wanna sleep everyday, every minute.

and yeah, come on, the food's not going to run away. starbucks and coffee bean are not folding yet. it's already mid august. just till august 31st. but arghhhhhh I AM HUNGRY. i miss chewing. i miss swallowing and i'm getting sick of milo. i might just forever be turned off milo after this. yes, i'm not on a full fast yet. will do so the final week (meaning, fasting all 3 meals) but i might die. if i live to write, then you'll see me around.

motivation? malaysia. malaysia. malaysia. we need it. the nation needs a change. so fast man, fast. am i that patriotic? *purses lips and think* hmmm well I do want my future children and the generations to come to have a live-able country and not the circus and doom and gloom we see now. but ultimately, i do it because i have a conviction and i believe.
it is better to believe in something than nothing at all. conviction keeps your heart alive.

and i'm really not going to die despite what my body and brain keep telling me. girls diet all the time. i don't see dying girls around, emaciated and corpse-like maybe, but not dead. must be me. so go away M&Ms, go away ramadhan food. crabs. yee mee, pan mee. go away everything. far far away. out of sight, out of mind.

s i g h . who am i kidding?

haha. humour me. perhaps i could live on that.

ps: oopps, 7th month, better stop with the 'd' word.

perspective - get it right please

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/26182056?GT1=43001

CommentChinese defend Olympic ceremony lip-synch - Beijing Olympics News - MSNBC.com
Source: www.msnbc.msn.com

Lin Miaoke, left, is shown during the opening ceremony of the Beijing Olympic Games on Friday. An official ordered her to lip-synch 'Ode to the Motherland' because seven-year-old singer Yang Peiyi, right, wasn't deemed cute enough.


i just kept uttering oh my god, oh my god and oh my god. especially at the headlines made by media over the world. “Olympic karaoke.” “China’s wrong child policy.” “the great Beijing lip-synch switcheroo” ....

well yeah, i felt bad too for the vocalist. on one hand, it just goes to cement the fact that people nowadays put 'packaging' and external looks above all else but really,i think china just wanted to make it a great event at the end of the day. so leave it alone la. one day of it is enough. there's no need for a few-day kind of story.

there are more important things in the world than to debate over such a small issue.

why did i come back??!?

so much to do, so little time
where to start where to start?
oh my g o d

life as it is ....
work: rushing for september, mind already planning october articles (and it's just august??!? what the heck. are you sure?)
family: parents going here and there, aunt coming, uncle visiting @ house turning into a hotel or motel (god forbid) haven't seen my sis or brother for a while even though we live in the same house. house is like a daily transit stop for us.
social: langsung no idea where to start. dinners (non negotiable) launches? movies? events? shopping? bazaars (non negotiable) clubbing (negotiable) catching up with different friends all over (absolutely non negotiable).

don't seem to have enough weekend or eves to fit it all in. and what about time for myself??? hey, grace needs time for grace lai too, ok. that is totally non-negotiable too.

people have been asking why i came back. why didn't i stay in UK. why didn't i just move to europe? hmmmm.... *think think*. well, tempting but no thank you. i'll tell you why i came back.

1- where else can i eat such gloriously tasty food? key word being tasty. food there is bland, boiled to death and chucked together, and at most, roasted. they're delicious in their own way but not glorious. only asian food is glorious. the full taste. the aroma. the explosive flavours. chinese, malay, indian and everything in between. ramadhan coming up. ooohh, imagine the malay stalls popping up. can't wait can't wait.

2- where else can i speak with such 'colours'? i love peppering my sentences with chinese and malay. it's like: "ah cheh, surely you would have expected it lar!! we're malaysians what??!" see? no english, irish or french friend of mind would have a clue what i was saying. and i can make malaysian and singaporean jokes here they wouldn't catch anywhere else. i can "you're gila" "that was sakai" "blurnya" and all my usual phrases to my satisfaction. i actually missed speaking in chinese when i was in uk.

3- durians. mangosteens. watermelons even. do you know i was craving watermelons like a woman on a mission when i was in uk? i called home telling dad i miss watermelons; of all things.

4- the thousand and one bazaars and pasar malams. the lights. the food. the crowds. the knick knacks and stuff. nowhere else will you see fish on the road. vege of all kind. stinking food or mouth watering snacks. all part and parcel of the beauty of asia. and of course, the crazy jams and cars parked randomly and as-and-where-they like.

5- i can complain about the sun here. but i complain less now. imagine days and days of grey skies and no sun. no warmth on your skin. no glaring, blinding sunshine? enough said.

6- i can't call cousins,aunts and friends, yelling and screaming in a way only loved ones would understand and accept. in uk and europe, i'm demure, soft spoken and polite, courteous and straight as a tie. not that i have to or i put on an act, but ppl there are so extremely courteous you can't be otherwise. i'll definitely feel wrong if i was my usual wacky, all over the place, here and there self. i can't text friends to meet up in the middle of the night. no mamaks. no maggi goreng. no tandoori. no loud laughing over nonsensical things.

7- and certainly no mind-boggling news, government clowns and jokes to entertain me daily. jokes aside, malaysia definitely needs sane, strong and people with heart. i'm not saying that's me. but what i can do, i will. and like it or not, i'm malaysian, and i want to see the best out of it. so ..... i'm back and here to stay till i wander off!

xoxoxo

14th already???

it's the 14th already!!!
so fast!! where did time go?
darn. i still have so much to do, so little time
so much to read
so many places to go
so many people to visit and see

oh g o s h

we are what we wear

some days, when i wear black to work or some dull 'blue' (i mean the feeling) colour, i feel dragged down and the day just doesn't seem to end. other days, when i deliberately wear something fun and eye-glaringly-bright, i 'feel' upbeat and ready to take on the world.

shallow? no lar... it's just a theory i'm musing on as i looked around....

don't you agree that what you wear somehow dictates your feelings? it doesn't control your feeling (we're not THAT dense but it 'directs' it). somehow it transmits some kind of subtle message to your brain, telling it 'hey it's a blueeeee and dreary day' or 'upbeat, funky all the way'. and it's not just the colour.

going further on this; i imagined myself wearing a huge, shapeless, decayed looking t-shirt aka a sack to work and i'm pretty sure i'd mop around all day. not only does it give a 'i couldn't care less, i'm here so what else do you expect from me?' attitude, i won't doubt that it sends a very clear stay-a.w.a.y-from-me message when we turn up dressed in the dark.

i'm certainly not saying we have to be dressed to the nines, wearing every imaginable and unpronounceable brands everyday. i'm talking about presentability, moods, colours and i might go as far as to say, courtesy in our appearace. we dress for ourselves, first and foremost but, a properly turned out attire sends out a 'nice' image, makes the wearer feels good and thus sets the tone for the day.

ever notice that kids love to pick out their own outfit and when given a chance? they'll choose EVERY clashing item they can find and say 'i wanna wear that!'. they don't care if the outfit makes us cringe, they want it coz they picked it and it makes them happy. it's like it's their declaration of independance and place of who they are and what they like.

so yes. we probably don't all go around wearing funky neon colours but whatever tune you dance to, if it makes you FEEL GOOD, if it is who you are; go for it! army prints...psychedelic prints...animal prints (god forbid), leather, pastel, porridge coloured tops (grimaces), unfathomable cuts and whatever you could come up with.


come come, individuality rocks

predictably unpredictable

i read that randomness is a pattern. it is also a lack of order, purpose, cause, or predictability. A random process is a repeating process whose outcomes follow no describable deterministic pattern, but follow a probability distribution.

a pattern of unpredictability then? think about it. how can unpredictability be a pattern? totally mind boggling. where am i going with this? i don't know. random you see. but no, i didn't deliberately start off writing something i have no idea about. i WAS thinking about life. about predictability or unpredictability (what a long word anyway).

every morning, we wake up (predictably), we go through the motions of getting ready for the day (or getting ready to look presentable), wash up, bathe, eat for some, don't eat for some, rush out the door... traffic jam (predictable) for half an hour or up to an hour for some. breakfast routine (or non), work .... 9-5? then what? predictable dinner? social night? sleep?

or maybe for some social butterflies and 'cool' people, a totally unpredictable day. wake up, work, and then a free flow of 'whatever-happens-happen' evening activities. The city never sleeps. THIS city never sleeps. I've gone out at 3am lately (don't ask me why) and still find quite a number of cars and people out on the road.

have you ever met people who answer 'i don't know' or 'i'm not sure' to everything or most of everything you ask them? those kinda answers irritate the hell out of me. how can you not know AT ALL what is going to happen? me and my sister; we're total polar opposites.

grace: what time are you back?
sis: i don't know (even though she has absolutely nothing planned)

grace: what time do you think it'll end?
sis: i don't know (even though the programme is planned)

what's with the vagueness? is it because we unconciously factor in the unexpected? or do we try to create an unpredictability in our schedule to avoid total boredom and predictability?

me? I'm 'quite' a creature of habit. i like knowing what's going to happen, when, where and why. I like knowing my time is planned. Sure, i LOVE surprises. I'm impulsive. i often veer off course and end up doing something totally different. i'd plan to go somewhere and end up doing something else that popped up. if something excites me, i'd go all out for it. all the way. i also often 'suddenly' want to do something. yet i still love the feeling of knowing that (otherwise unexpected), my time is planned and sorted out.

i think i'm a predictably unpredictable girl.

a friend was telling me she'll go crazy, doing the same thing over and over again, everyday. and i was thinking, despite my full schedule and my predictable unpredictability, i too go crazy when left in the same spot for too long.

all in all, i believe it all boils down to the fact that we are created to question; created to always crave for more; search the unsearchables. to reach for the unknown (that's good for otherwise, what's the point of life?)

there's this deep void in us that's forever calling out to be filled. an eternal thirst waiting to be quenced.

i believe that everyone of us is searching. for the fortunate ones, they realize it and try to somehow look for the answer, wherever and whatever it may be. for those who are too sucked up in the vortex of the chaotic life; the unfortunate ones, they don't realize it until it's too late.

do you realize that people always have a different answer when asked what they would do if they were only given 24 hours to live?

me, the addict

i'm addicted, to milo ice. very very much so.

and i was thinking, the moment we use the word 'addicted', negative images come to mind. drug addiction ... alcohol ... sex ... whatever dark and twisted. why is that so? or rather, why must it be so?

according to the dictionary, addicted simply means "devoted or given up to a practice or habit or to something psychologically or physically habit-forming".
nowhere does it connote something negative. so why is our mind conditioned to associate that word with negativity?

can't we be a 'positive' addict? a happy addict?

i'm addicted to love...chocolate...books....spreading joy perhaps? addicted to loving my family? addicted to being with people i love? friends i love? addicted to my saturday night dinners with my parents?
addicted to bright coloured items. addicted to hand made jewelry?

so you know what? it's not the word. again, it's the mind. we so let what generations of cultured perception seep in that we box ourselves, limiting everything to only what it was or could be. what a stifling and dreary view of life!

mindset guys, mindset.

we are what we think.

keranamu or biarlah mu?

when do we say enough is enough? should we just give up and forget about this place? “i don’t care what happens...it’s hopeless...nothing will change. it won’t make a difference… i’ll leave the country, i don’t have to stay here ... to hell with it”.

isn’t that defeatist of us? what makes us different then? if every revolutionary hero thought that, the world wouldn’t be where it is today.

if Luther King migrated instead of stood for what he believed in; if Hudson Taylor stayed in the comforts of his own country; if Mother Theresa continued in the convent and did not care about the outside world .... would we have as much to celebrate today? would we have as many people to look up to?

of course, many a times (especially lately), i’ve thought about just giving up. forget about it. it’s a never ending story of embarassment and ridicule but then, why should i give up? why should i let go of what i believe in and stand for? why should i, because of some losers, lose my passion and completely forego the possibility of making a change?

yes maybe, i really would never ever make a difference. but who’s to tell? as long as i stand in this country, whether anyone recognizes it or not, i do make a difference. even if it’s within a small circle. even if i only change one person’s life. that is still change. i bet that when Einstein were making his discoveries; Mozart composing his scores; Van Gogh with his art; Edison...The Wright Brothers, Helen Keller...Louis Pasteur ... and every single one of them- when they were doing what they did, they didn’t think about astounding the world. They were’nt thinking of whether the world will still know their name 100 years from their time. They merely did what they had to. Yet because they did what they did, we are where we are today. so maybe we think that we might not make it, but who is to tell? who is to say? “birds don’t sing because they have the answer. they sing because they have a song”.

the daily news are a joke. i struggle with whether to feel embarassed or heartbroken everytime i see something ‘new’. when will we realize the immense pool of talent we have in this country? we may not be as vast as China or as rich as the UK, but we are a country of multi race and ethnicity. and the beauty of it all is that we actually live in relative harmony. we love each other and we celebrate
together. that, i think, speaks very strongly for itself.

when will we see that our unity is truly something to be harnessed? i see the very talented people of this country leave, time and again, and that saddens me. what is left if you all go away?

“name me a hero and i’ll tell you a tragedy”

god willing, we never get to the stage of tragedy, but giving up is definitely not the road to take.

nice

something funny and interesting happened yesterday
i have a very bad habit. i drive and sms, or i drive and talk on the phone at the same time a lot. not good i know but i seem to still do it.

so as usual, i was driving and suddenly wanted to tell someone something, so i began sending the sms. it was drizzling and suddenly, this big bike was beside me. on the road beside me, near my window that is. it was a cop! oppps. thank god he was one of those really nice guys. instead of stopping me to 'earn' some money, he merely shook his head and pointed at my phone. haha. i grinned, said sorry and he zoomed off.

isn't it nice to see nice cops still around?

definitely puts a smile on my face

backward thinking

not only did our country tear down a school to build a mall (guess shopping is more important than education), we now want to train those above 18 to be 'home managers' @ maids/domestic helpers.

not that i think such a job is beneath us but what about looking at it from another point of view?what about learning to handle your own home so that we DON'T NEED maids???and to offer RM2000 to young girls for this??

what about empowering and educating them to make a change for the nation??

oh malaysia, when are we going to really look at the big picture?

http://news.my.msn.com/regional/article.aspx?cp-documentid=1608626

perfect but not mine

Having known you for so many years, I didn't know you

Didn't know your heart beats; caring beyond belief,
for others... for the less significant
You are proud, yet you would never compromise.

I didn't know you were so mischievous in school
Invoking terror both in the quiet and those who thought themselves cool

I didn't know you excelled in sports
Loving body training and fun sports alike

I thought you didn't care about your future
How wrong I was
Working for what you didn't have
You save for what you have in mind

I didn't know you could draw; design, much less construct
Working with your hands
Building from the heart

I didn't know you prefer greens, disliking meat.

I didn't know you could be so generous
Giving just because

Your naughty sense of humour.
Seeing you smile, hearing you laugh
Delighting in your presence, I wish to hold time forever

Didn't know you were so gentle...
tender...
and passionate....

Being in your arms,
Embraced through the night

Held.
Safe and Cherished

Perfect, you are perfect

Just not mine

Never can be

elbow strain

is it possible to get a sprained elbow? damn, mine hurts. i think it's the consequence of resting my wrists and hands on the laptop so many hours a day. the elbow feels out of place...probably showing its annoyance at being dangled around for so many hours a day.

hurts though :(

be still my heart

My heart,

It breaks; at what may be
It weeps; over the beauty of the moment
It savours; the gentleness you show
It delights; in knowing it is true

Dancing, Riding on the wings of Joy
Cherished, Secure in your embrace

Ever a child in your arms
Tender and Passionate, I linger

Indelibly stamped onto it
Carved out forever for you
A place wholly intended

Unsullied by expectations,
the past or the future

It revels
For you and you alone

it really is that way

love is vast

who are we to control it, to put it in a box and limit it to only this or a certain that. I think that love is love. If I love him, then I love him. I don't have to be in love with him. I don't need a status. he doesn't need to tell me we are in a relationship. he doesn't have to say he loves me. I just love. and That's it. I can't help how I feel. I can't change how others feel.

of course, reciprocated, that's a totally different subject. Together, it's a merging of two souls. The commitment of walking together. The desire to explore and accept. But I digress.

Love is freeing. It is supposed to be so. I think love frees the soul to see the beauty in people; the beauty of the world. Love allows us to ride on the wings of joy. Love flows out, touching everyone around us. Love lifts us to see beyond our own little world. Love challenges us to think not of ourselves. Love opens our eyes to seeing through another's eyes.

Love supports
Love cherishes
Love delights
Love dazzles!

I'm freely in love with him; no restrictions, no terms/boundaries, no expectations
I support everything he does, believes in everything he can be
I cherish our stolen moments togetherI delight in seeing the changes and growth in us
I'm dazzled by the freedom and sense of joy it brings

this; is L O V E

ghosties

It's August- that's obvious
but did you also know that that according to the Chinese Lunar calendar, we now officially enter into the 'Ghost Month'. What is it? Here you go ....

"The Ghost Festival (中元節) is a traditional Chinese festival and holiday, which is celebrated by Chinese in many countries. In the Chinese calendar (a lunisolar calendar), the Ghost Festival is on the 15th night of the seventh lunar month.
In Chinese tradition, the thirteenth day of the seventh month in the lunar calendar is called Ghost Day and the seventh month in general is regarded as the Ghost Month (鬼月), in which ghosts and spirits, including those of the deceased ancestors, come out from the lower realm. During the Qingming Festival the living descendants pay homage to their ancestors and on Ghost Day, the deceased visit the living.
On the thirteenth day the three realms of Heaven, Hell and the realm of the living are open and both Taoists and Buddhists would perform rituals to transmute and absolve the sufferings of the deceased. Intrinsic to the Ghost Month is ancestor worship, where traditionally the filial piety of descendants extends to their ancestors even after their deaths. Activities during the month would include preparing ritualistic food offerings, burning incense, and burning joss paper, a papier-mache form of material items such as clothes, gold and other fine goods for the visiting spirits of the ancestors. Elaborate meals would be served with empty seats for each of the deceased in the family treating the deceased as if they are still living. Ancestor worship is what distinguishes Qingming Festival from Ghost Festival because the former includes paying respects to all deceased, including the same and younger generations, while the latter only includes older generations. Other festivities may include, burying and releasing miniature paper boats and lanterns on water, which signifies giving directions to the lost ghosts and spirits of the ancestors and other deities."

How can ghosts and holiday be linked together???

weird

interesTHINGs

candies I spilled all over. then decided they looked colourful, so must take picture
this is what I call world domination; a different time of colonization
believe it or not, i snapped it from my car when zooming past