naturally so

had a very intriguing conversation with my hairstylist last week.

i went for a trim and as we know each other [i go to the same person all the time], we chatted about everything under the sun.

somehow the topic drifted to cigarettes. now i don't smoke. and wayne was very surprised. he knows what i do so he was [very] amazed that being in this circle and industry, i was not and still am not tempted to smoke. in fact, his very words were 'how can you not smoke? don't you feel tempted or pressured to??'.

thinking about it, i know i was never tempted even to try because i grew up around men who smoke. my dad, cousins, uncles and most of the men i see smoke. so from a very young age, i detest the lingering, noxious scent of cigg smoke. in fact, i really don't like it when my clothes and hair reek of it. i do not mind those who do, as i seriously think it's a personal choice. i'm not about to start debating it but i just never was into it.

and yes, most of my colleagues and friends [guys and girls alike] smoke. sometimes, it looks fun or even cool, to be inhaling and puffing away but honestly, no thank you.

so really, at the end of the day, i think it boils down to choice. some people say they smoke because everyone else does. that they smoke because it's natural. really?? to blend in? to stand out? oh. so should a guy who hangs around girls wear dresses because everyone else does too?

haha. no right?

no time to be sick

i caught a cold. of all things to catch.

anyway, yes. last night, i started feeling 'flu-ish'. but i thought it'd go away. this morning at work, it turned into a major cold@flu attack. and yet i couldn't take leave and go home. not that i couldn't because the office wouldn't let me, but i couldn't because i have so much to do and so many people to see [for work].

i was actually mentally trying to 'fit' the sick leave in! i mean, how bad is that? i have events and things to do everyday that i actually tried to sort a time-to-rest-and-recover day in. well, i realized;

today : nope. got a morning and aft appointment
tomorrow: nope. another morning appointment
friday: nope. a movie screening i have to do

and then i realized, by then it's saturday. what's the point. i would surely have recovered by then. yucks. this IS how bad city life can be. you get so caught up with work and life that sometimes, some things, you just don't know where to fit in.

so yeah. crazily, i have no time to be sick.

p.s. tissue in hand while typing and working

pride or sanity?

pride or sanity? take your pick

in many instances of life, either we choose to keep our pride (maybe not the best choice) or our sanity. of course, we would all like to think that we'd be 'honourable' and humble, choosing to forego pride but really, in life, do we always react that graciously?

in fact, reacting is not even the 'right' term. i'd like to think i respond rather than react. 'reacting' gives the impression of impulsiveness, hastiness and a lack of thought.

lately, there've been many instances where i'm forced to either keep my pride or sanity. of course, pride in itself is not something pretty. but do we really easily grovel and acquiesce? i don't think that's really in us. at least not for me. especially when we're not in the wrong!! that's when we really have to just tell ourselves, ok ok .... it doesn't matter. swallow your pride. keep your sanity instead.

maybe that's why he said the road is narrow and tough.

i couldn't agree more. giving up will never be my choice. but of course, i blow up and fail terribly from time to time.

still, at the end of the day, when we realize that, yes, it might have been tough; it might have cost us greatly; the realization that we might be a better person out of that [gag] bitter pill, is quite rewarding indeed.

continuing ...

yes, still on the previous topic.

like i shared, my stars and planets seemed to have gone berserk. seriously.

yesterday evening, a colleague from 2 years ago (i know!!! 2yrs?!?!) called and insisted on meeting for drinks. despite my repeated no, he persisted and i relented. thinking, well, just a drink with a former colleague. and it's nearby. he even came all the way to pick me (usually, i drive myself so that i could leave anytime i want to). seeing his sincerity, i went. it started off ok of course but as we chatted, i realized that he was on a totally different track. to me, it was a drink and that's it, catching up on old times and what-nots. to him ... sigh. anyway, no way.

and today. i was at this place waiting to get something done and there were 3 tourists ahead of me. as we were practically falling asleep while waiting, they started asking me whether i was local; where to go; what to do; what to eat and all that. being the friendly malaysian, i happily chatted with them. later found out they're actually from italy. traveling through malaysia and settling in sydney probably 2 months later. one of the guys THEN asked for my number before they left. ?!?!?!

what's wrong with the universe? it's like, i'm suddenly 'of age' and therefore .... i know i know. i did consider the probability of going out finally but i merely thought it!! and hello!! can there be some kind of vetting?

dear me

differing expectations

* warning: really personal stuff

was complaining about my "love life" last month (had to quote and unquote it because i'm sure our definition of love life differs).
anyway, was complaining about it last month and right after my birthday, the stars and planets seem to have gone berserk. in fact, they're practically smashing into each other. i don't believe in horoRscopes, opps, hehe horoscopes, of course, it's just a metaphor.

anyway, i've always believed in just the one guy. so i don't date. i never did. it's either the right guy or wrong guy. within seconds of meeting, i can sum that up. so if it's wrong guy, why waste time right? but then, a wise friend, of similar faith, was saying, yes, although believing in the one guy is good, NOT going out at all wouldn't be logical because how else am i supposed to meet him then? even god can't just plonk him down through my roof (that'd be cool and easy). well, kinda makes sense but still .... i'm too logical - why waste time???

another friend was saying that i always give out this 'stay-away-from-me, guys' vibe. no one dares approach because,

a) i send out this vibe : not true ok
b) i 'look' unavailable : how can you judge so without asking??
c) i 'look' like a wild girl : i AM not. just because i love fashion and am in the circle, i'm not. i'm a homebody, believe me.
d) i can't be bothered : maybe that's true

anyway, that's why i'm where i am today. oh and of course, i'm only ever interested in the 'wrong' guys and so, knowing they're wrong, i also don't bother pursuing it.

anyway, like i was saying, since my birthday, approximately two days ago, the stars have gone berserk. friends are setting me up. some are calling more than usual. some are texting continuously. and i still am.not. quite that ... convinced, i guess.

i look at my happily married friends and go; how lovely. how warm. how wonderful. i'd like that, but then, i wonder, can i settle for a life that simple? someone that ... 'stable'?

darn. yes. i have to admit, i go for the bad boys. which is just not right. i shut down when it's someone nice and then i complain to god about how i keep waiting for nothing. should we settle for the simple life? should we really not set our sights too high? but weren't we told to expect the best from him?

oh yeah. his thoughts are not my thoughts.

judge not man

some very interesting people i met on my birthday.

- a total stranger wished me happy birthday after she saw my birthdate printed on my identification card as i was paying for something in the mall. she totally made my day; being a stranger yet wishing me a happy birthday.

- this cute, extremely tiny lady. she's really tiny. not even petite, tiny ok. she's probably half a head shorter than i am. so thin and small. yet a real fire-cracker. not only did she turn out to be 36 (she really looked 20 in her t-shirt and pants and no-nonsense-bobbed hair) and married, she's an architecture lecturer! at first glance, she looked like some hapless little college girl. and she mountain climbs for fun! oh man. totally eye-opening.

- this girl. she was dressed like Xena. no kidding. head band and all. and she was just like the typical fashionista bimbos we see all over kl. besides her outfit, there's her blondish hair. so, yeah, i thought, ok, another fashionista girlie. but! she turned out to be this nice and i know, kind-hearted, girl, who IS in college but studying med. so .... she has got to have something deeper in her if she actually goes for medicine.

- this quiet, decidedly simple but still 'chic-ly' dressed girl. compared to those tiny and skinny chinese swarming around us, she was a slender, yet big-boned girl. so she was quieter than the rest. but talking to her, i love her sweetness. there's just this ... 'goodness' about her. yup, she's the younger sis of Xena and so she's dressed just as outrageously, but it fits and she's interesting. business student by the way.

- then of course, there's the gay best friend of the two fashionistas. a nice, charming, young guy. studying architecture who's also into fashion. one glance, and you know he lives for fashion. haha in fact, when the lecturer (won't mention names to respect the privacy of my friends) and i were talking about a 'top', he was like, that's a 'tasseled vest'. no mere top for him ;)

- another outrageously-dressed and loud woman, who is now, a dear friend/sister. she has wide, fuschia streaks in her black hair. various tattoos and an overall punk look. again, at first glance, she'll come across as i-don't-care-about-you-stay-away-from-me kind of girl but no. not at all. luna is accomodating. loving. fun. i know she's the type who's a real friend.

so you know what? never ever judge a book based on the cover.

yes people might look .... questionable and in a society where everyone tries to label and neatly box everyone ELSE up, they stand out and raise eyebrows but isn't the heart more important? again, yes, some may choose a lifestyle totally different to what i believe in, but so? is that not why some are called to be in the world?

i really don't care if you look like an angel or a ... whatever-you-want-to-be.
to me, what matters is the heart and values.

phone number maybe?

had a real blast yesterday and something funny happened.

was at this place, celebrating, mingling and just having a fun time. and i met three young ... persons [not really young but compared to my now, ripe old age of 25, 18 IS young] anyway, i met these 3 lovely kids and we were saying how we must stay in touch and everything. they asked for my contact card and everything - to keep in touch.

so we [or rather, i] went about looking for pen and paper to write their msn address down. we asked for facebook address ... email address ... and all the one-hundred-and-one online 'connection' thing. after carefully writing everything down, we hugged and said goodbye.

as i was getting into my car, i suddenly realized; how dumb was i?? i mean, i took down everything when i could have just asked for their phone numbers. it was like, helloo??? oh gosh. haha. anyway, so i got out of the car, rushed back up to get; the simplest of all - their phone numbers. and we laughed ourselves silly.

you know, sometimes, we complicate ourselves so much when life could have been so simple. we have evolved to be so high-tech and 'up there' that really, it's not that complicated.

today it is

yesterday i cried
and today i feel close to tears again; tears of joy ... overwhelmed by the sweetness and love of friends

oh yes, today i'm 25.

and you know what? i just realized too ....

i'm daughter
sister
granddaughter
niece
cousin
friend
supporter
believer
thorn-in-the-flesh for some (haha, hey i'm real)
life saver
history changer
destiny in the making

most importantly, i'm also the beloved of someone eternal.

thank You.


p.s.. yes, also was the successful test subject of string-tying-medical experiment.

hello 25

i'm officially a quarter year old tomorrow (if there's such a term)

coincidentally, as i was coming back from another dinner just now, i was stuck in a traffic jam right in front of the hospital i was born in. and i was thinking, 'OH! deja vu!' i was born here exactly 25 years ago .... how poignant.

haha anyway, since so many people talk about what they've done for the year, i was thinking, while my birthday is technically about me, it's also about so many other people.

i've been a daugthter to two great, although can be annoying, parents for 25 years.
i've been a sister to a great guy for 23 years.
i've been a sister to a budding and sometimes irritating girl for 21 years.
my parents have been married for at least 26 years.
i've been a malaysian for 25 years and hopefully, have contributed in some ways.
i've been a friend to many, regardless of time.
i've been a lover, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a person to hug.
i've been a child, exploring and experimenting.
i've been a girl, searching and seeking.
and now ....

the journey of life continues as another quarter begins.

goodbye 25, hello 25

abba sings it true ....

I don’t wanna talk
About the things we’ve gone through
Though it’s hurting me
Now it’s history
I’ve played all my cards
And that’s what you’ve done too
Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

The winner takes it all
The loser standing small
Beside the victory
That’s her destiny

I was in your arms
Thinking I belonged there
I figured it made sense
Building me a fence
Building me a home
Thinking I’d be strong there
But I was a fool
Playing by the rules

The gods may throw a dice
Their minds as cold as ice
And someone way down here
Loses someone dear

Somewhere deep inside
You must know I miss you
But what can I say
Rules must be obeyed

The judges will decide
The likes of me abide
Spectators of the show
Always staying low
The game is on again
A lover or a friend
A big thing or a small
The winner takes it all

But you see
The winner takes it all

such is this girl

there's this creature of habit who also happens to thrive on impulse.
contradictory she probably is.
such is this girl.

when she stumbles upon a food of her fancy, she'll have that and nothing else, to the point where she gets sick of it, usually about two months later, and then she'll not have it ever again.

when she discovers and settles into a spot of choice, that and that spot alone will be her place of choice e.v.e.r.y. single time.

a certain drink. a particular song. a very carefully selected pair of shoes.

over and over again. there's just no end to it.

but oh, this girl, she thrives on impromptu acts just as well.

a shopping trip for the latest book an hour before the shop closes for the day.

a hop off and away for that glass of ice-blended goodness.

a lazy sunday afternoon, away from everyone.

a sudden drive to the movies for that touch of romance.

a wicked girls night out.

routine? dear me no, that kills.

monotony stifles.

tedious decorum bores her to tears.

such is this girl.

such, is this girl.

say no more

coming back from an event (one of those dinners), i was stuck in a one-hour-plus-traffic jam.

i expected it. it's not like i didn't know. the area i was in is notorious for its stationary traffic at specific hours of the day. so i knew it. i knew leaving at 7pm would mean being on the road for at least an hour.

did that stop me from getting worked up? nope.
i was, admitedly calmer than i would have been, had it been unexpected but i was still reasonably annoyed. i kept telling myself to remain calm, repeating the words 'stress causes premature aging' over and over again like a mantra. but you know what? i was so focused on myself and my needs, it wouldn't have worked anyway.

so i looked around.

i looked out.

it was drizzling. motorcyclists raced by, in hopes of getting out of the rain.
the poor guys were drenched. i even saw a cyclist!

and i looked out.

i saw a bus. a bus load of passengers. standing for only god knows how long. probably exhausted from the pushing around, nudging those who come too close away, being crammed together. the long stand, tired from waiting for the bus. tired from the need to remain alert still and walk home after alighting from the bus. tired from listening to the din and music that borders on being annoying.

and that kept me quiet.

yeah, i SHOULD keep quiet. who am i to complain when i'm in the comforts of my own car, air-con at full blast with music of my choice playing?

oh come on grace.

blue moon

18.10.2008

so funny i must write this down. just thinking about it brings a smile to my face. two nights ago, two dear friends and i had dinner at Delicious (my place of dinner for the month) and we were commiserating over our love life (whether the lack of or overly, we couldn't decide) and it was just comical really. after a lenghty dinner where we discussed the issue to death; analyzing the whys, what-ifs, hows, whom, why.. why.. why .... we decided to head off for drinks because we were just way too bogged down by the bleakness and insanity of it. insanity in caps in fact.

anyway, so we went to The Social and found a band playing. thinking it would be great uplifting music, we were sorely disappointed to hear blue song after blue song. it was just downright dismal. to the point where we were just like, this is it. let's go. if we sit here any longer, we'll die.

you know, that day will remain in history as the-day-we-sat-and-wallowed.

one day we'll look back and laugh at it.

one day.

wrong, over and again

why do we girls constantly sell ourselves short?

we settle for less (much much less) than what we actually deserve. we go with the flow. we keep quiet and take it all, just to ... what? maintain the illusion and comfort?

it's been a girlfriend weekend. and i have to really admit that it's quite a sad state i see. after years of searching, we pick the worst of the lot and we wonder why.

over and over again we allow ourselves to one minute be swept away; overjoyed and estatic, the next minute we watch as it all come crashing down.

fundamentally wrong?
comfortably reluctant to get out of the comfort zone?
inherently insecure?

what is it i wonder

connectivity

keeping in touch is a hassle isn't it? or is it just me?

as world technology progresses, i realize that people, though world-wide-web-connected, withdraw more than they reach out. because everything is right where we want it, be it at home or even in bed, there is no reason for us to actually be amongst people anymore.

with such conveniences, going out becomes a chore; something we need to make an effort to do. i'm connected to friends all over the world online, yet, do i really see them or even hear their voice? nope.

what's worst, even friends in the same city, i rarely see. oh, we ARE in touch. we talk, we write, we send each other messages. but we can't seem to find time to actually sit over a cup of something and really, literally connect.

so really, define connectivity.

true love

true love is when ...
... there are no expectations imposed.
... you accept the good and the bad. especially the bad.
... you don't try to change them but allow them the freedom to grow,
in their own time.
... you see them for who they are, yet wait and hope.
... there are no questions asked, because you trust and believe.
... you always want and believe the best of them.
... you give them the choice to choose.
even knowing that the choice would not be you.
... you let them go.
... you'll always be there for them, anytime they need you.
no matter how long it's been.
... you pray the best of everything for them.
... you wish them joy and love, even if it's not with you.
... you give up the right to demand.
... it's not about you or what you want.
... you stand back and watch them go.
... letting go does not mean giving up.
... you quietly love and gently support.
... remembering makes you want to weep.
... it hurts so much, you don't know what to say.

true love is ... when there are no regrets.

line up now

i was thinking about re-alignment last night. re-alignment of thoughts, priorities and life in general.

then a scene flashed in my head. remember how in school, we used to 'line-up' every morning? in primary school, we had to queue up in two rows, girls and boys on each side, before going into our classroom. why is this relevant now you wonder?

you see, actually, it's quite a good thing to do, mentally.

imagine re-aligning and 'queueing up' your thoughts every morning.
upon waking up, we line up our thoughts and focus for the day. just a simple exercise to remind us what's really important and what's not. a simple task perhaps, to sift the unnecessary from the necessary, negatives from the positives.

you know, i really think that'd be a good idea.

life skills

dashing in the rain....in a one horse open....

wait. it should be dashing in the snow isn't it?

haha but yes, it was deliberate.

have been running in and out lately, so busy. not just with work but also meeting friends. and with the constant (3-4 hour) rain, i have no choice but to dash in and out of the rain.

carrying an umbrella is out of the question.

1- it doesn't match my clothes
2- where to put a wet umbrella??
3- will i remember the umbrella after a 5-hour chat with friend? very unlikely

so rather than keep leaving umbrellas all over town, i have no choice but to dash.

but then again, not only do i get my clothes, hair and body wet, the worst thing is the heels. ESPECIALLY if i'm wearing open-toed heels (and i don't wear anything but heels). it's just yucks.

i can't run. i can't skip (heels ok? slippery) so i have to walk. but wait, i dash, not walk. so i have to look out for cars and puddles while trying not to slip at the same time.

it sure takes skills. this must be what they call 'life skills'.

tell me my future.....

i'm tired. not sure whether i'm tired today or just tired of going out. BUT, some lady was telling me i need to go out more [ -.- ] you mean, i don't already? oh wow.

anyway, the other day, a friend and i went to see a clairvoyant (i know. me?!?). but yes, we were having lunch and talking about life, bla bla bla and she was like, there's this lady, well known for her clairvoyance and she wanted to go. so i went because i've never met a non-chinese clairvoyant and i wanted to see what she has to say. while i may not believe in such ... 'people', i'm always open to what other people see, expect and accept. interesting really.

chinese fortune-tellers, i've seen plenty. not personally see-for-a-reading kind of see, but, see around. it's unavoidable in my family but non-chinese ones, never before so i was pleasantly surprised to see quite an attractive looking lady greeting us.

my dear friend asked what she wanted and the clairvoyant answered. she wasn't spooky and all 'up there'. in fact, her answers were pretty general, logical answers. she didn't predict things we could never confirm or give dire warnings. there were no scarves, crystal balls and black cats. oh, maybe she said one or two questionably funny things but generally, i found her a nice lady, giving out nice answers to the questions that plague us all. and the heart-warming thing is, she herself, have the same problems as we all.

but it got me thinking. we all want answers to things we can't control and things we don't understand. we wish for manuals that will guide us step-by-step; like 'how to get over someone without going through the pain', 'how to land THE personally-satisfying-money-making job', 'how to look good without spending a fortune' etc etc.

we want to be able to see what will happen if we make certain choices. we want to know. we want to be ABLE to control our own lives and the future. we want things the way we want them to be. we want this, yet we want that. we contradict ourselves. we question ourselves. we judge.

it's tiring just thinking about all the things we want.

what's the balance in all this? let's say, we do receive a manual directing us in everything; what to do next, where to go, whom to see, what to decide, when to eat, when to leave .... do we really want to live like robots? well if we don't, then we end up asking, questioning, worrying, wondering. back to square one.

do we know what we want?

ironic isn't it?

top 10 things to do when stuck

*only resort to this when you're alone in the car and bored out of your mind after a 2-hour jam

1- For girls: make up. try out different eyeshadows, ways to line your eyes etc
For guys: fix your hair. messy hair and 'over-styled' hair were never 'in'.
2- Take pictures. observe the 'city view'. take pictures of buildings, skyline, the guy beside your car (to talk to your girlfriends about), the girl beside your car (to show your guy friends), the grey skies. the smog. the haze. the odd people crossing the road. the crazy motorists zipping in and out.
3- read (my personal favourite). surprisingly, in between the braking and inching along, you can finish quite a bit of the book you always wanted but never had the time to.
4- for writers: plan out or write impending articles
for musicians: tighten the score and song in mind. the beats. the line. the funk.
for IT people: invent the next 'it' thing. a micro, non-battery-needed-wireless-24 -hour-phone-sized-wide-view-palmtop perhaps
for lawyers: map out arguments and the next thousand-dollar legal suit
for accountants: figure out where the money went
for mums: plan and organize the million and one things to do in a day
for dads: zone out
5- eat. snack. drink. always have food and drinks in your car in view of 2-hours and more traffic jam
6- work out; your calves and legs. brake. accelerate. brake.
7- rant. yell. scream. but all confined within a car, or rather, our seat and seatbelts
8- gossip. call your girlfriend. chat about the next guy/ shopping trip. increase the phone bill while phone network companies gloat in delight at it
9- try to breathe
10- remind yoruself that stress causes premature aging. so breathe. in and out.

haha

random me

part of my job involves proof-reading all the articles for print. and sometimes, i read so much in a day, words blur together and become a bunch of nonsensical, illegible jabber. some are funny, some are just plain ... confounding.

for instance when,

starbucks cafes became star-fe bucks
printing press, my mind couldn't pronounce. too many 'r's. brain jam
coffee and tea became coffee-tea
i squint at the word 'skilful' and wonder whether it's spelt right [it's wrong]
i forget how to spell 'stiletto'
instead looked like 'itstead'
and of course, the times i read and re-read the same sentence a thousand times because my mind just won't understand what i'm reading


when my mind plays such tricks on me, i know that's the time to put everything away and take a break. haha there's just so much i can read in a day right?

a million shades of grey, i do not want

last night i was wondering, can things ever just be black or white?

i read once that there is no such thing as just black and white; there are a million shades of grey in between. wow. a MILLION shades of grey? how very ... uncertain things must be then.

then i asked myself, am i a black and white kinda person? i know that i 'should be' -yes means yes, no means no. what's right is right. what's wrong is wrong. there shouldn't be any in betweens.

can i live my life where a lie is a lie? no white lies. no 'cover up' lies. where ... debauchery and frivolity is that and not some other glammed up version of it. where there's no justification or attempts to delude myself when i'm walking the fine line and sometimes crossing over?

in a world so fickle and glamorous, can we really live in such a cut and dry ideal? in my world where glamour and glitz is what i see everyday, try as i may, i find this concept difficult to grasp. for a minute, i can imagine living such a clearly defined life, yet on the other hand, it seems ... rigid? self righteous? unrealistic? naive even??

and then i think about the book.

you know, life would be so simple and easy if i just live according to it. whatever it says, just follow. that would make life a breeze. i won't have to wonder and worry at all.[but hey, doesn't that make me a robot. why have a brain and heart then??]

anyway. so, why this dilemma? ah .... you know what?

the problem is not the world.
the problem is not the people around.
the problem is also not our so called circumstances.

it's whether we want to or not.

my true love

when we first met, our love was instant
or rather, i fell immediately in love with you
you? you loved me from afar
you loved me from forever

colourful and bright
our love was the fireworks
ignited, it sparkled and glittered

you showered me with gifts and miracles
you lavished on me, wonders untold

our love was explosive
so much
i couldn't get enough of you
it was exciting, volatile
always demanding, always searching
i wanted you, needed you, couldn't go without your everything

now ....

now i'm older
wiser perhaps
our love ... it blossomed

gentle like a river
strong as the ever sturdy oak
it is solid and secure

no longer demanding
no longer capricious
contentment i've gained

in the stillness and quiet,
i revel and absorb

just as i know you've always been there
i know you'll always still be here

quiet contentment
constant accompaniment

i know i can sit and listen
just rest and watch
waiting
listening
learning

i grow

i celebrate our love

Butterfly Lovers

oh by the way, am going to catch Butterfly Lovers at the cine tonight.

"this is the latest adaptation of the famous 17th century Chinese love story. Legend has it that once there was a golden couple living in the celestial sky who committed one of the gravest mistakes and was sent to live in the mortal world below. As their punishment, they were to fall in love madly with each other over ten lifetimes, only to end in disaster every time."

of course, according to actual chinese history, the couple indeed existed BUT the part about them being celestial is just part of this movie. in actuality, they were just a pair of tragic, star-crossed lovers. in fact, they are the Romeo & Juliet of china.

the music score for the original version of the movie remains as one of the most recognizable chinese scores. and of course, being a chinese history and legends lover, i've got to watch the movie.

free but unwanted

i was thinking, people in general, do not appreciate or like things that come cheap.

for instance, Cambridge Uni. it's elite, exclusive and notoriously difficult to get in. and because of that, people want it; clamour for it, work hard for it. whereas, localized or 'cheaper' items go unwanted.

things that are imported are always better received. things produced locally pile up. marketing wizards know this, and they bank on it. making this perception even more deeply rooted.

the more elusive something is, the more people want it. the easier something is, the less people notice it. if it's difficult to get, people 'assume' it's exclusive and of a better quality. if it comes for free, that's even worse because people question the validity of it.

why must we make things so complicated? why must everything come with a 'darker side'? must all our gifts be questioned? must there be a reason for love?

no wonder, people find it a difficult to accept that all it takes is just to believe.

new, or is it?

i need a new genre.

sometimes, i don't feel like writing (no no, i love writing, but the hassle of getting TO the laptop....). anyway, i mean, i sit at the computer more than half the day so by the time i get home, i want to stay away from it. yet thoughts float around and words bubble up within and i can't, but write. i just have to. whether on paper or in cyberspace, i've just got to get those thoughts out or down, depending on the medium.

so, i've been mulling over this thing. i think i need a new genre; whether to read, or write in. something interesting and fresh. creative, sparkly, witty yet real. most importantly, to me; real.

it has to come from the heart. it's got to capture the imagination. set a person's mind free - to explore, to question, and to discover. that's when truth's going to enter, invited. it'll arouse. it'll appeal and it'll appease. hahaha. the 'a's.

ok.

i'm going off to dream then.

choose

"choose for yourselves this day...."

an ancient wise man uttered those words thousand and more years ago. yet today, we are still faced with the same dilemma. same issues. same problems.
some things never change.

choice.

a dreadful word for most of us. i know at least two persons who are 'choice-phobic'. they can never decide and panic everytime they are faced with choices. from simple things to life-altering decisions, like it or not, we HAVE to make choices everyday, every minute of our lives.

think about it.

from the moment we wake up, we choose, whether to be in a good mood or nasty. we choose what to wear. what to eat. desserts or not? where to go. whom to talk to. whom not to talk to.

we also make the more major decisions of what to do with our days. what to do with our lives. what to do with the issues we're running away from. what to do with the known and what to do with the unknown.

oh man. really, life can be a real big basket of choices isn't it?

sometimes i really hate it. why do i have to choose to be nice? why do i have to choose to be the one to say sorry? why do i have to choose to swallow my anger (and pride, most of the time) and why do i have to bla bla bla ...? oh, sure, i could also choose to be nasty. i could choose not (or never) to say sorry. i could choose to lash out. i could choose to ignore, manipulate, scheme and rant.

ok, pause for a minute.

so what if we chose the latter?
yes, i'd feel good for the moment but what about after that? you know what? choices are not about the spur-of-the-moment. yes, choices can be life changing (for example, choosing the wrong career. the wrong guy/girl to marry. choosing the wrong ... property etc) but more than just the choice, what we choose and what happens next are actually equally, or more, important.

a wrong word said in anger can destroy a person's life. a wrong decision to go with the 'in' crowd could result in a lifetime of regrets. a wrong anything could get us forever changed, for better or worse.

it's not about the moment. it's not about ourselves even. life has a funny way of inter-connecting. it affects others. it can build, it can also destroy.

so really, choose for yourselves, today ..... what you really want; now and forever.

worms are not for me

i know the early bird catches the worm. i was just never really into worms.

gosh. i actually slept early last night but i still can barely keep my eyes open now.

sorry god, the final verdict is: i'm really not a morning person :(

ah ... for the sake of beauty; ouch

we tug, we squirm, we hiss, we gasp,
we battle, we fight, we suck our entire guts in
..... just to get into that pair of skinny jeans that shouldn't even be purchased or sold, in the first place.

it's called skinny for a reason. but not only is it skinny, it's literally clinging so-tight-you-can't-breathe. oh wait, maybe it's painted on except oh yeah, you can see the creases and folds.

and it doesn't end there. once we get into the desired pair of jeans, black, blue, dark blue, light, washed out, frayed and etc, we are rendered paralysed. we can't touch our toes, we can't breathe right. no eating. no drinking too much (going to the toilet is a nightmare as the battle begins all over). no squirming. no slouching, hey maybe it's a good 'posture training' device.

anyway, moving on from the torturous pair of jeans, we have ze shoes, non?

we teeter on it, balancing precariously,
tip-toeing about daintily, trying not to slip and trip at the same time
while not grimacing at the blisters forming at unknown parts of our soles
smiling, we walk as if it's a breeze to strut about on stilts but come on, practical?
no it's not. and boy do they hurt.
the straps cut into your heels
the sides dig into your feet
the soles scrap your feet rough.

then there are the tops.

some are so tight, we dare not sit for fear of everything unsightly revealing itself
some are too loose at places we can't figure out; we constantly have to tug at it, pull it back in place or drape it around in hopes of it not falling apart.
some are of a wrong colour,
some turn peek-a-boo when under direct light.

wow. what a job. that alone burns away half our brain cells. (no they don't. i'm kidding)
and this is only what you see on the outside. i haven't even started on the inside.

so really, when i think about it, who is it for?

do we wear what we wear for ourselves?
or do we wear what we wear for that fleeting gasp of admiration we get?

p.s. post inspired after a day out with a beloved group of girls of similar fate




p.p.s no i haven't reached the state of wearing outfits i can't breathe in but i just felt chirpy enough to attach the pic

morning again

last night, knowing that it's back to work today, i tried to go to sleep early...and failed miserably. i tossed and turned and wasn't asleep even by 3am! the utter horror of that. i never not fall asleep and the very night i decide to go to bed early, i couldn't sleep. the probability and logic of such cases are just ... illogical.

anyway, then i remember something i read. and yeah, i read so much all the time, a quarter of my brain is probably taken up by irrelevant information. anyway, i read that to jump-start our brain/ give it a kick-start in the morning, we can do little things that throw it out of balance. for example, say i'm right-handed, so instead of brushing my teeth with my right hand, i should do so left-handed. apparently, by doing things out-of-the-ordinary, our brains will be forced to 'wake up'. i don't know how true that is but it didn't work for me this morning. because just getting myself into the bathroom with my eyes half closed already required enough effort. don't even talk about thinking of throwing my brain off-balance. i'll probably end up off-balanced myself.

haha. anyway, here's what i saw driving to work with my eyes half closed

p.s. even the sun wasn't up, much less me.






oh and i'm not in england. i'm in malaysia!! the sky shouldn't look like this.

tomorrow

tomorrow is monday!!! back to reality after a five-day holiday ....
i love my job but i hate mornings. hate hate hate them. it's back to waking up to alarm clocks again tomorrow and i dread the morning traffic on the road.
it's going to be mad.
and why is it some people can just be such absolutely chirpy people in the morning and try as i may, i just can't. i've been working for years, and you would think that my body should be used to getting up around 7 by now but no, it still doesn't come naturally.
oh dear ....

a dream

child: daddy, it hurts.
i wish i could run into your arms, just sit on your lap; curl up and stay there.
i don't want the struggles. i don't want the questions. i don't want the choices.
Dad: come. climb up. rest and let go.
child: but i don't know how! how do i do something if i don't know how. i need the steps. i need to know. i need the picture. why can't i just know??
Dad: but that's why I'm here. so that you don't need to do it all. so that you don't need to shoulder it all. just let go my child. let me do it for you.
child: but how? but how? it hurts. i don't know what hurts. i don't know why. i don't know what to do.
it's just there. it's breaking and i don't know how to stop it.
Dad: but that's my job you see. I know it's broken. I know it's hurting....
child: so why can't you make it stop?? why can't it just go away. why can't things be easier.
Dad: if things were easier, you wouldn't need me. if you could see it all, you wouldn't come to me. i wouldn't be able to show you the beauty of the world. i wouldn't be able to watch you grow, from the pain you feel. i wouldn't be able to hold your hands and tell you the secrets of my heart. i wouldn't be able to see your joy in knowing my love for you.
i wouldn't be able to watch the light in your eyes. the tears you cry at night.
i could give it all to you, but then, I know you'd leave.
i could make it right for you, but most of all for me, my child.
stay.
stay and let me in.

perhaps it is after all

they say that you can do anything you set your mind to. how true is that?

there's so much i want to change; so much i want to do. why then is it not happening? why do i still fail?

... my first job was at a language centre where i taught english. moving upwards, i ended up as the 'right-hand-girl' of the principal@director who also is a master trainer in NLP. so, i sort of picked up some skills and facts from my time with him. my point is, we always tell students that they can do anything they set their minds on. "just think it, and it'll happen". "tell your brain what to think" ... so on and so forth.

so does every great leader and nation-changer in history; people who brought change, people who caused revolutions, discovered and invented life changing facts.... they all say the same thing. it's all a matter of the mind.

a wise boy also once said that, if we purpose in our heart...then it would be so.

if it is indeed so, why then the daily struggle between our mind and hearts?

i can do anything i set my heart on? ANYthing? really?

ok .... let me think.

perhaps the key lies not in a mountain-trembling-oceans-roaring declaration. perhaps, it's just a matter of 'allowing' it to happen. maybe if i do it step by step, little by little, i'll get there.

i wake up. i make up my mind to do it. i try. and if i fail, i sleep, and i try all over again the next day.

perhaps that's what it is. a lifestyle of moving towards the goal? a desire in the heart to give my best for it?

simple? yeah ... perhaps it is after all

random bits

some really random bits

3- last night, we had dinner at this supposedly Hong Kong 'steamboat' restaurant. The food looked good and it was fun way to eat. but really, it was more a 'fun' place; good time, average food, 'new' things. you dunk/dip (if you're a lady-like person) what you want in the pot of boiling soup and fish it out when it's done. i'm still a salad kind of person though.

2- i couldn't not take a picture of this. driving home, i thought my eyes were playing tricks on me but no. this couple had a dog 'blowing about' and squashed between them. it was both hilarious and confounding. oh dear, and i thought we're progressing as a country.

1- this, i really dislike. about 2 months ago, they put up this huge billboard on the road. they dug big holes and i'm sure, spent a fortune putting this board up. but up till today, no advertisers have yet to slap their ads on it. probably because of its size, it won't come cheap. and what i really don't like is why they do it in the first place. shouldn't they have made sure someone will want to pay for it before they put it up? before the spend another inordinate amount of money on it? sigh ...

i broke a glass today.

i don't know where my mind was but when washing the glass i used for my cup of iced chocolate, i actually broke it. it didn't shatter. it just broke.