now i can say goodbye

on this momentous day, as i think back to all that has happened in the past 364 days, i can't help but appreciate this truly eye-opening-life-changing year.

early last year, i told myself that the year i turn 25, i HAVE TO see the world and go to europe. i wanted to do something life changing. and i did. last year, i left.

january 2008 - i was in uk and belgium
february 2008 - i was in uk and scotland
march 2008 - i was in uk and ireland
april 2008 - back in uk
may 2008 - back in malaysia. started an exciting job. a job i believe, i grew up for.
june ... july ... august ... septemeber right up till today, the last day of the year, the year has been a roller coaster.

i would like to think i discovered a little more about who i really am this year.

i realized and found the job of my dreams. i grew up writing. writing comes naturally. but i always thought i wanted to conquer the world. working in an MNC, i realized that world domination is not for me. while there are certain thrills and challenges i love, in climbing the corporate ladder and fighting your way to the top, i discovered that maybe, that's not what i really want from life. because at the end of the long and tough climb up the glittering ladder [it's not so glittery when you're on it], what do i get? a fat paycheque, yes, but then? what else?

maybe i'm a more down-to-earth person. i enjoy solitude [in fact, sometimes i really rather be left alone]. i like curling up with a good book. a quiet dinner with friends and loved ones. the simple joys of life. sure, i love what money can buy, but ... i think i cherish the finer things of life more.

so yes, after a total career shift, i find the job i was literally groomed for. writing. it's challenging enough as it is a field i have no interest or inclination for [golf?!?!] yet it allows me freedom of creativity and expression. i get to meet people once in a while when i'm in a socializing mood. and i get to withdraw into my imaginary world when i want and need to. i can boldly declare that i go to work because i want to. i stay in a job i love and want, not a job i have to, to make ends meet. i chose passion over material gain.

the challenges and reality of life and its fragility stared me in the face too. with dad's health, it brought a much needed dose of wake-up-call. "treasure those around" has never seemed more real a phrase to me.

family wise, having traveled to the other side of the world, i also discovered that i'm a home girl at heart. i love being near loved ones. i love knowing i can see them when i want to. and i love being able to be here for them when need be.

while there's still a remnant of wanderlust left in me, for now, it's enough.

one day, i'll venture further and see the Big Apple. in fact, one day, i might even consider leaving this city that is the epitome of life, vibrancy, young blood and passion. but for now, it's enough.

so i think, i finally can make my peace with 2008.

you've been great to me. and i think i've gotten the most out of you.

so 2009, let's see what you've got.

08/09/08/09/08/09

i.am.actually.panicking.

i really am.

where did the year go??

i feel like i'm floating .... everything feels odd. surreal.

i clearly remember counting down to 2008, watching the fireworks in london. and now there are just 2 days left of 2008. how can it be???!?!?!?!

hold on.

i'm not ready. or am i??

i thought i was ready. wasn't i? if i were, why am i hyperventilating? why is my heart beat double the usual? why am i writing incoherent thoughts down? why am i babbling??

i'm gasping for breath. my heart is going at a 1000 miles per second. i'm ... trying to breathe.

oh dear. wait!! why am i NOT ready for 2009? wasn't i? i like the idea of a brand new year. i like the idea of an unknown. it's supposed to be exciting. it's going to be a GREAT year! so why am i stalling?

i actually feel like grabbing the hems of 2008 [if it's wearing a skirt] and not letting go. hey. 2008 was great. but ... oh ... well .... wait!!!

ok. wait!

i guess i'm not ready.

darn.

of what world do i live in?

in this world, you see only the young and the beautiful. the rich and the glamourous. art is lived.

nothing is ostentatious. everything is extraordinary. the newly-rich, the old-moneyed families. the more outrageous, the better known you will be. the world is your playground. frivolity is celebrated. vanity, a necessity. life is a fantasy waiting to be re-created. people mingle, breezing in and out, talking but never connecting. seeing but never looking. there, but never completely with you.

in another world, the children run barefoot. skin browned from being under the sun, they dive into rivers, colour of the mud. swimming, cavorting, laughing and singing. with only the barest of necessities, they live a life of simplicity.

the whole, live a life of gratitude, the disabled, a life of contentment. tattered clothes, worn-out shoes and hand-me-downs received with glee. joy and delight, an expression of love. hope and sincerity, forever a gift.

as i tried to sleep, i wondered which world is real. with only 3 days left in the year, i can't but wonder where i stand.

the first or the latter? i've been in both.

i remember the times i went on missionary trips. sleeping on hardwood floors, walking endlessly under the harsh sun, bathing in cold water, riding on the backs of open lorries. thailand ... philippines ... and outskirt cities i have no names for.

a 12-hour ferry trip to islands. bumpy rides through village and cities. orphanages, old folks homes. shelters for the destitutes, homes for the infected. people and faces. hands i've touched.

i remember too another crowd. softly playing music. perfectly tuned lighting. an ambience created. enhanced and perfected. chandeliers, canapes, champagne and crystals. diamonds and dresses sparkle. men in impeccably tailored suits. the subtly glamourous. the wildly outrageous stylists. faces and names. i've stood and also touched.

sometimes i wonder.

to choose to live in the latter, what did i hope to achieve? honour? a sense of achievement? or lifelong gratitude owed? a calling to serve and to bring hope? a legacy lived perhaps.

to live in the first, what would i achieve? hobnobbing with the rich? an entry into 'the world'? a lifetime of masquerade. a destiny of pretenses.

which world is real?

which world is grace?

mutant mozzies

i seriously think that kl [or rather, my house] is under invasion - the attack of mutant mosquitoes. serious.

two nights ago, i awoke in the middle of the night because i felt mozzies around. considering i sleep in an air-condtioned room, the mozzies shouldn't be there. anyway, the past two evenings, trying to read in my room proved to be an effort in futility.

those pesky things don't seem to leave. tired of slapping at them, i tried dousing my room with Ridsect. either the insecticides nowadays are watered down or mozzies have mutated to become insecticide-resistant.

they don't die!!!

i sprayed nearly a quarter of the can in the room, closed the door and thought that the mozzies would suffocate and die, but they didn't. I WOULD have suffocated with the amount i sprayed. but still i saw a few strong ones flying around.

these must be mutant-insecticide-and-repellant-resistant mozzies.

lucky me

mouse hunt

being on holiday, i try to sleep in. the good news is, i get to wake up anytime i want, and not to the rude intrusion of the alarm. the bad news is, it's causing havoc on my sleeping time. i dread tuesday, when i have to start work, because i know i'll wake up horribly horribly zombie-like and hating mornings.

anyway, this morning, sounds of banging and chairs scraping across the floor woke me from my dreams. i'm a light sleeper. sounds wake me. i even heard the tinkling of my piano. i was instantly awake. wondering who was playing with my piano, i wandered out groggily and peeked down. i mean, i wasn't in a state suitable to meet people so instead of actually going downstairs, i peeked.

and i saw a funny sight. dad and sis pushing chairs around and poking about underneath the piano. from the snippets of their conversation, i guessed that they were either looking for a mouse or a cockroach. most probably a mouse. surely not that much trouble for a cockroach.

anyway, deciding that a mouse wasn't that interesting, i crawled back underneath my comforters and went back to sleep.

how nice ....


ps. a day later, i found out they were looking for a bird. not a mouse.

christmas it is

christmas is here and soon over. the one day i look forward to and wait all year long for.

christmas eve this year was one of the best. i spent the day with myself, shopping to my heart's content and to my bank account's horror. i went home around dinner time with aching feet and bags full of goodies [for myself and loved ones. yes yes].

as i wondered whether to go out and meet various friends or stay home, i thought about what christmas is all about. i had the options of,

1 - going to a hip and happening place - get drunk and be merry, whiling the night away, ending up with nothing and no real point
2 - meeting some friends for dinner
3 - going to church
4 - dinner with parents

number 4 was impromptu. as i was wondering what to do for the night [christmas eve in malaysia is mad. EVERYONE goes out. streets are jammed. clubs and hot spots are open well into the night, unlike UK].

anyway, yeah. as i was wondering whether to go out and blast the night away, i saw mum and dad at home. they haven't had dinner and they had decided on a simple dinner as they knew all 3 of us would be out. and i just felt like taking them to dinner. a quiet, nice and true christmas dinner.

surprisingly, they were up for it [despite dad not feeling well], even joking that it might be impossible to get a place as it was christmas eve and it was bound to cost a lot. and my heart melted a little. yeah. this is what i want.

not loud music. not crazy drinking. not even time with other people.

we went for a very nice dinner. we had fun talking, or not talking. and it was just ... beautiful.

24122008, thank you.

everytime now

now everytime i chew on my straw, i'm going to think of you. yes. it's a bad habit of mine - i chew on my straws. but only while drinking. not before and not, god forbid, after the drink.

but anyway, like i said, now everytime i chew on my straw, i'm going to think of you. just because you commented on it. just because you told me not to. yet you later drank from the same straw.

now everytime i go to that little-something-place, i'm going to think of you. how you recited and repeated your orders just so i'd get it right. maybe you knew my brain wouldn't be able to process your one-hundred-and-one-very-specific requests at that hour of the morning. you made me repeat after you. funny. but it's ok because it left me with a warm and fuzzy feeling.

now everytime i go to that little-something-place, i'm going to think of you. how i turned around and saw you there. you stood and waited for me. you didn't know. you probably will never know, my heart leaped a little at that sight. it flipped and fluttered, refusing to settle. i don't think it ever will.

the look on your face. the way you stood. totally charming. absolutely heart-breaking.

now everytime i see that car, i'm going to think of you. imprinted on my mind, the very special registration plate. i'm going to remember how we cruised around. i'm going to remember how you let me drive. then gave me a lecture on road safety. yes i know, you. lectured. me.

now everytime i catch a glimpse of a grey men's shirt, i'm going to think of you.

now everytime i see that pack of red and gold, i'm going to think of you.

now everytime i place my order, i'm going to think of you.

now everytime i wake ....

now everytime i breathe ....

now everytime i drink ....

now everytime i sleep ....

i'm going to think of you.

someday i'll tell my children about our many adventures.

but now, everytime.

everytime, now ....

i'm just going to think of you.

materials materials

* a very frivolous entry

ok. christmas is 4 days away.

whilst many of the things i really, seriously want for christmas are immaterial, since i'm quite bored now, i thought of putting together a christmas material-wish-list.

so here they are ....















but on a more serious note ....

i want my family this christmas, today, tomorrow and as long as possible.
i want Him.
i want life to the fullest.

冬至

today, according to the chinese lunar calendar, is 冬至 [Dōngzhì Festival or Winter Solstice Festival]. it is one of the most important festivals to the chinese. traditionally, it is a time when familes get together.

during these get togethers ,members of the family make and eat 湯圓 [tong yuin]. they are glutinuous rice flour, sometimes brightly coloured, made into little balls, which symbolize reunion. everyone's supposed to receive at least one large tong yuin in addition to smaller ones. these little flour balls may be plain or stuffed and are cooked in a sweet soup or savoury broth with both the ball and the soup/broth served in one bowl.

last night, one of my aunts who live in the city came over with grandma and cousin. they rolled coloured flour into little balls which everyone [except me] then ate. personally, i never was able to stomache the flour-y taste. so i actively participated by looking on and snapping pics. haha.

anyway, reunion.

that's what it's about and i definitely am keeping my fingers crossed for many more years of this to come.

my fairyland

dreamcatcher ... it is not







this is where i secretly want to live in .... and yes you can come visit anytime

goodbye already

as much as i'd like to, i can't hold back time.

as much as i'd like to, i can't peek ahead either.

time move on. people change. after the whirl of events and choices, wrong turns and right steps, what remain is just a flicker of dust; perchance a memory, perhaps a touch of nostalgia.

maybe it's december.

maybe it's just the emotional me.

but as we stand on the brink of the old and the new, as millions do, i can't help but reminisce.

last year today, i was on the plane to UK. this year today, my desk is littered with articles to be proofread and rushed off for print tomorrow. i'm at work and elbow-deep in it.

how much can a year change? how different can we be?

very much indeed by the look of things.

am i wiser? am i stronger? did i move ahead? or have i fallen behind?

have i learned from my mistakes or am i stubbornly refusing to budge from what i know is wrong?

am i closer to You or have i, in the search for what's right and wrong, side stepped the boundaries and crossed over?

we like to think that maturity comes with age. we like to think that time makes us wiser.

are we being delusional or are we just subconsciously refusing to remove those rose-colour-tinted-glasses?

because as i look back and as i look ahead, i don't see how a difference in number makes the road clearer.

murky, foggy and daunting, the road ahead still seem to be.

i may soar. i may trip and i may fall.

moments of euphoria - pure, unadulterated glimpses of joy and delight.
moments of pain - scraped and bruised from the attacks of that thing called life.

tears wept.
fears conquered.
moments celebrated.

i see it all.

and so i'll say, ok. 2008, i love you. but goodbye for now.

by the way....

have been disconnected from the world the past few days. there was an unexplained issue with the company's server/router/modem/cables. us being writers, artists and generally creative people, we had no idea what was wrong. took us three days to get the right people to turn up and sort the problem out. finally had it righted yesterday around 4pm.

this morning, coming to work, i was thinking, finally, i can get some work done. write. read. get online and feel alive.

on the way here, i did what i usually do, which is to call up this restaurant a few doors away and order my usual breakfast [white coffee iced and toast]. they'll make it and deliver it just as i reach the office, saving me the hassle of walking over and waiting for the food [it's called efficiency, not laziness].

but this morning, the lady [who knows me by name. yeah and that shocked my colleagues because they were like "who else in this row of shops do you know?" haha]. anyway, the lady was like "grace, there's no electricity. we can't make toast"

indeed. upon arriving 3 mins later, i discovered the office in darkness. i'm usually the first/second to arrive. we called the tech guys again. apparently, some cable/wiring was stolen/cut, plunging the entire row of shops into darkness and an electricity-deprived-state.

great. internet back on. but no electricity.

from 9am we waited.

and waited.

and waited.

and then there was light .... at 12pm.

hours wasted : 3
coffee consumed : 3 packs
energy expended [walking around] : uncountable

....

i know you but i don't know you

what else can i do

trying hard

don't want to give up

but what's next

connect to the web

remember how i said my M.E. gave me the task of uploading stuff and maintaining the 'features' part of our magazine's website?

well. lo and behold, despite my detest for it, my numerous fumblings and attempts, i successfully uploaded and did what i had to.

in fact, it 'looked' so well put together that he has now decided i do the 'news' and 'products' too.

oh god.

what utter horror.

why

people always ask 'why'.

when things happen, or when things don't happen, the first question people ask is why. why me. why now. why this. why not that.

i could ask why. but would it help? would it make a difference?

of course, when confronting facts, 'why' is a question we have to ask. but when confronted with circumstances, 'why' rarely ever mean anything.

if i wanted to ask, i could wonder to no end. why is this happening to him. why is this happening to us. why now. why couldn't we catch it earlier. why must we go through so much.

maybe i'm too independent. too realistic sometimes. it could be good. it could also not be.

because i've stopped asking why a long time ago. i don't even ask Him why. because i know.

i know that whatever happens, it would already be a fact. and asking why doesn't change the fact that it is real. i could rant and rave. demand an answer for what i consider unjust or difficult. but then what?

asking Him why is not the answer.

instead, i rather just ask for strength to face the facts.

i ask for His hands to hold me when i feel like breaking down.

i ask that He remind me of His promises when I can't see an end to the pain.

i ask for wisdom to do what's best. i ask for understanding to see the truth.

i remind myself of who He is. everlasting. faithful. true.

He won't lie. He won't change.

and then i can go on.

so that is why i never ask why

13 and counting

have been so tired, christmas doesn't seem to feel like christmas.

the past few years, around this time, i'd be busy shopping, looking at gifts and eating. christmas cakes. log cakes. fruit cakes. caramelized apples. toffee nut lattes. turkey .... red, green, tinsel and glitter. i'd be taking everything in.

but not this year.

i'm a light sleeper. usually, no matter how tired or asleep i am, i can hear when my brother, sister or parents come home.

lately though, i've been so sound asleep, i have no idea when they get in. i definitely give 'crashing into bed' a new meaning. i think i'm exhausted physically [running around], mentally [the magazine] and emotionally [dealing with mum, docs and everyone else drains].

it's the 13th day.

how much longer....

nonsense redefined

i tried. i really tried.

i'm just not a tech person. this morning, i decided it was time to face the monsters head on. the papers have been peeking at me for 3 days, taunting and daring me, as if they knew i couldn't handle cyberspace.

i couldn't hide them under stacks of magazine anymore. they invaded my space, messed up my racks and just stubbornly refused to go away, no matter how i wished they would. i had to deal with it.

and so i did.

and yucks.

just looking at them gave me a literal headache and i felt like throwing up. this must be what stage fright feels like.

tentatively, i picked up the sheaves of papers i was supposed to upload into that unknown-cyber-space-out-there. holding the papers, i wondered if i could just pull open some 'drawer like' space in the CPU and chuck them in. that'd be more my definition of efficiency.

but ok. here goes. i spent 3 minutes pulling up the website that was to allow us to get into and edit the public site and i spent another 3 minutes trying to recall what it was called. a dummy site, that's it [and i totally agree, dummy indeed].

anyway, faced with the maze of icons and different pages to navigate, i just sat and stared for another 2 minutes.

after a very deep breath, i began to click on what seemed to make sense to me. come on, i'm a writer. i can read. surely it can't be too difficult. i'll just follow whatever it says. and click yes/no. simple right?

nope. i did what seemed logical, painfully going step by step, avoiding wrong clicks and doubtful icons. i stayed away from gibberish and i still got this -

Runtime Error
Description: An application error occurred on the server. The current custom error settings for this application prevent the details of the application error from being viewed remotely (for security reasons). It could, however, be viewed by browsers running on the local server machine.
Details: To enable the details of this specific error message to be viewable on remote machines, please create a tag within a "web.config" configuration file located in the root directory of the current web application. This tag should then have its "mode" attribute set to "Off".






Notes: The current error page you are seeing can be replaced by a custom error page by modifying the "defaultRedirect" attribute of the application's configuration tag to point to a custom error page URL.


bla bla bla. that's not english!

when that popped up, my mind went blank. it's ridiculous. i can handle languages well. lines upon lines of legal jargons are surmountable. tomes of the queen's english; not a problem. but those few lines????

ok. time for lunch.

ps: i'm a really simple girl. maybe ancient. maybe even [god forbid] archaic. but i definitely prefer certain aspects of the bygones.

hyperblogged

sorry. another entry but i've GOT to write this down. i can't stand this.

i still have a few articles to finish off but being in my emotional state of mind, i didn't really feel like writing so i surfed most of the morning away [yes, i may be a tech noob but i'm good at surfing].

and i realized, oh my god. i think asia [malaysia, singapore, indonesia and hk in particular] is turning into hyperblogged-land. a land of bimbos. a fantasy utopia of decadence.

did you know that i've actually been to events where people introduce some as, "oh, she/he's a blogger". as if that's a job! and YES! there ARE people who claim to be full-time bloggers and that's all they do. i also had friends confiding to me how they detest people who come to their boutiques and restaurants [yes, my friends are entrepreneurs] and claim they're bloggers and therefore deserve a diva treatment otherwise .... they'll 'bad write' them. oh come on! grow up please.

i've noticed this trend last year but upon returning this year, it has escalated to an out-of-proportion-and-control state. this morning, looking at the amount of blogs, nonsensical blogs full of pop-up stuff and advertised to death, i can't help but grimace.

somewhere, some time ago, advertisers and marketing wizards decided to tap into this blogging business and pay people to put ads and write about their products. naive and clueless us [human beings] who have been craving the 5 minutes fame and a poke at limelight snatched up the opportunites for money and publicity. and now, blogs run rampant.

true. there are definitely great blogs where i visit and read because i find their style of writing truly refreshing and ingenius.

but there are also babblings and ramblings that are just a disgrace to the beauty called language and art. and some! the more ridiculous and obscene pictures you put up, the more hits you get. or, the bitchier and more 'gossipy' you are, the more advertisers pay you. i can easily name 5 off the top of my head now. and just thinking about the page makes me dizzy [and no, i'm not going to mention them by name because i do not want them hyperlinked to me].

yes. to each its own.

who am i to judge a person's fantasy and definition of style but where is the balance?

for you

i took the tree down
i'm putting up the lights
turning it on,
i'm letting it twinkle

come home now ....

i'll hold the stars till
balls and glass aglitter
reflect the tears spill
keep my heart still

come home now ....

christmas is here
the season of my heart
this year i'm home
when will you be...?

auld lang syne

Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind ?
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And days o' lang syne ?

For auld lang syne, my jo,
For auld lang syne,
We’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.
And surely ye’ll be your pint-stowp !
And surely I’ll be mine !
And we’ll tak a cup o’ kindness yet,
For auld lang syne.

We twa hae run about the braes,
And pu’d the gowans fine ;
But we’ve wander’d mony a weary foot,
Sin auld lang syne.

We twa hae paidl’d i' the burn,
Frae morning sun till dine ;
But seas between us braid hae roar’d
Sin auld lang syne.

And there’s a hand, my trusty fiere !
And gie's a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll tak a right gude-willy waught,
For auld lang syne

mary or martha

i've always been a martha. i wish i was a mary.

in general terms, i'm task-oriented. very very.

in fact, i think i'm super martha. give me a job, a task, and i'll get them all done. i can organize anything. i plan. i delegate. i sort things out. that's me. i'll study. i'll read up on something. i'll make sure everything is done. i even think ahead to make things easier.

my brain won't stop thinking about a matter until it's completed. of course, my former employers love that about me. they know that i'll make sure whatever they want done will be, in the shortest time possible.

even at home, i'm like that. my brother and sister, they're the total opposite.

like now. despite my concern and love for my parents, i'm restless until i get everything done. my sister can sit with my parents for hours, doing nothing, without a care. i wish i could. but i can't. i will sit and stay, for a maximum of maybe 5-6 hours. and even during then, my brain will be planning what to do when i get home. the thousand and one things to do. what mum and dad will need. what i can get for them. how to make things more convenient. when. what. how. where. even my tomorrows are mapped out.

i really sometimes wish i can be mary. more like my sister. i wish i can leave things be and just .... sit. i mean, the mountain of clothes will still be here tomorrow. the dishes aren't going to rot if left in the sink. things don't have to be clean and shiny do they? i try. really tried to leave things as they are. tried to just not be so ... meticulous. so orderly. so .... whatever.

even at His feet. i stay, but only up to a point because i'll start feeling restless. i'll start planning. i'll start thinking.

yes yes i know. we need both types of people in the world. we can't all be like my sister. we can't all be like me. but sometimes ... i wish i'm not so conscientious.

can we change who we are by nature?

should we?

it's sympathy, not empathy until ....

i believe in dreams. i believe in maybes. i believe in hope.

i've always been a ... compassionate person. when i see people in pain, i hurt. i feel for them. that's why i never chose to become a doctor. i knew i wouldn't be able to detach myself. watching people struggle makes me cry. until now, i can't look at needles, blood and tubes without feeling as if something is wrenching my heart out. sure, i can be there for him/her, but i will also feel the pain literally.

so yesterday i was thinking, you don't know and you can't know until it is personal.

that's why they say sympathy and empathy are two different things.

now i know.

....

it was us
family refined
i remember when
i remember then

tell me if
tell me maybe
tell me a story
just of ever afters

oh love, tell me this....

tell me this.

how much do you take before you say no. how long before you throw in the towel and say, that's it. enough of this. no more.

how do we not go back, again and again, to that which damages, hurts and breaks. when do we draw the line? tolerance and being walked over; is there a line? if so, tell me where it is.

yes, love is giving secrificially. but when it becomes being taken for granted, is it still love? i'm not talking about family bonds here. if it were that, then i would say that when it comes to immediate family, there's no clear line. you just give. you just love.

i'm talking about that elusive notion we call love. that ideal we all want. that dream we all chase after.

how long do we love before we say that's enough, i have no more to give?

me the tech-noob

never put me and gadgets together.

i'm the official tech-noob of the family. even among my friends. gadgets and i are not friends. i have a relatively-smart cell phone and that's about it. i don't want a personal laptop because i find connection, compatibility, network keys and bla bla bla a foreign language. it's not english. it doesn't answer when i ask questions. it doesn't explain when i don't know what to do. i don't like them. they're not friendly at all. so just give me a computer ALREADY connected and i will go from there. i don't do 'settings' and 'control panel' well. i don't like jargons. i call my brother when something doesn't blink [on the router/modem/server or whatever]. i don't understand these aliens. i don't want to.

in fact, just now, while looking at some online catalogues with my colleague, instead of asking if the model was a blackberry lookalike, the word that came to mind was blueberry. so i blurted out if the phone was a blueberry lookalike. see?!?!?it establishes the fact that i'm not a tech person at all. i think of blueberries.

so now, imagine my horror when my M.E. assigned me to maintain the 'features' part of our website. oh.my.god. what am i supposed to do with those things.

i took basic computing class in college but that was yearssssssss ago and basic means basic. i don't like click-this-click-that, yes-no, confirm-accept icons. i don't like icons period. i hate uploading stuff. i like hard copies, things i can touch. i hate soft copies of anything. yes they're convenient. call me ancient, but i like things i can hold. i don't read online. i hate pdf anything. i like the feel of books in hand. and now i have to upload AND maintain a part of the website??? how am i supposed to get these articles into that place??? how to edit. resize. format. convert. oh yucks. just thinking about them makes me nauseous.

i know. i know. we've got to step out of our comfort zones. master new skills. but this!! oh. how i hate it.

why oh why!?!?! why me!!! god sure has a questionable sense of humour.

our name

was browsing through my brother's posts and suddenly saw someone addressing him as Mr.Lai ....

of course, that, he is. but reality hits. i mean, we're all used to my dad being Mr.Lai. and the three of us are ... grace, kit and joanne. being 'kids' we were never addressed by our surnames so formally.

and then i was thinking, we really leave behind many things don't we?
our name. legacy. heritage. more than just a name, it's who we are. it's our reputation. some say they don't care what people think about them. reputation is nothing. they don't live by what others dictate. true.

but i also disagree. it's all a part of integrity and trust. it's who you are. who people can trust in. who people can depend upon. who people can turn to.

"a good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth"

we leave behind our names. a memory of who we are. that, is our name.

let's talk normal

yes, let's talk normal.

yesterday, i had to drop by one of those major bookstores to return some books our magazine was reviewing. i was tired, sleepy and distracted. while waiting for the sales attendant to check out the appropriate forms [it seemed to take a hundred years. i was quite annoyed but kept my peace]. i closed my eyes and let my mind wander.

suddenly, a lady in black strode in and slammed some papers and her bag on the desk. she yelled at one of the staff, demanding this and that. apparently, she hasn't received a card she was supposed to have received and thus she just stormed in and yelled. it didn't matter that it wasn't that particular girl's fault. to her, she said "it's not my fault is it? it's your bla bla bla bla". i kept my eyes closed and tried not to listen but she wasn't being discreet at all. in fact, she was bent on creating a scene. she never gave the poor girl a chance to explain nor rectify the matter. she just yelled, grabbed her things and walked back out. obviously, she wasn't planning on getting her 'card'. she just wanted someone to yell at.

and i was thinking. is yelling a way of de-stressing?

i mean, to me, yelling IS tiring. you have to raise your voice. you strain your vocal chords. you have to formulate the correct words. sure, i ... 'debate' a lot, especially with close ones. but the way she was, it was more of an accusation - unreasonable. ugly. very degrading.

people tend to yell when they think that they're not being heard. when they think their wishes are ignored, intentions misunderstood and when they're frustrated. amazing how analytical i am now. but when you add in a good dose of temper, all things change. conversations and communication become a yelling match. a place to vent.

it seems like nowadays, either people communicate through tech, ie, email, sms, online msgs or not at all. maybe because in that way, when what you say is not agreeable, you can be 'deleted' and 'ignored'. i hate it when people leave things unresolved.

can't people reason like adults anymore? do people still talk? or has it been reduced to just this?

perspective

since i'm grasping for some semblance of normalcy, i'll do what i do best/most - analyze.

i once read that to avoid having negativity cloud our judgement and vision at difficult times, it's best to do 'normal' things. go about your day as usual. live.

but still,

sometimes, i wish i could just close my eyes and fall into a deep sleep, hoping that when i wake up, everything will be fine again. we will go on with our lives as usual. we will go for our usual dinners [which i usually force everyone into]. we will come home to mum and dad watching tv as usual. we will hear the usual noise and even quarrels at home. i will see mum and dad cooking. i will hear mum and dad talking. and when i come home late, i'll still see dad waiting up for me. i wish i could run away and come back to normalcy.

sometimes, for a very very brief moment, pain grips my heart and i fear the worst. of course i push all such thoughts away but being who i am, i've questioned all the doctors enough to know the extent of the condition. i've also read enough to know the risks. maybe it's sometimes better to be more like my sister. at least, the struggle for oblivion isn't that constant.

sometimes, i know that everything will be alright. i remember His promises. i remember what He told me. i remember He loves my dad more than anyone of us could. i know that He, despite everything, holds my dad in His hands. and i breathe again.

sometimes, i wish for denial. i wish for oblivion. i wish for avoidance. i wish for irresponsibility.

and then i remember, i can't hold it all. perspective is what i need.

thailand ... people there are suffering.
mumbai ... people there are dying.
some states in malaysia are flooded.
around me, friends are also going through various difficult situations.

so yes ... life...?

this is life. this is reality.

yes, i know all things pass. no one lives forever.

but not yet. not now.

watch and wait

i really don't want to talk.

how do you put the entirety of what you feel into words, mere words? i have always loved words but compared to the depth of emotions in me now, words are, at times like these, grossly inadequate.


daily, i watch.

i watch him who used to be so strong struggle just to drink.

i watch him who used to be infallible, lay and sleep the day away.

i look at the hands that held me up when i fell down.

i look at the hands that once were sturdy, full of life.

the hands that now look thin and frail.

i watch. and wait.

that's all there is.