so i want to be left alone

have been feeling kind of restless the past few days.

it's not that i have no work. in fact, surprise surprise, i have 14 stories/articles to write in one week. yeah, i know. it's crazy. even i don't think i can do that bu amazingly, it's possible.

anyway, yeah. have been feeling kind of restless. didn't feel like going out with friends. didn't feel like attending the one-hundre-and-one events. didn't feel like anything.

i just feel ... surreal. void.

i was thinking, my life seems so unreal. people i meet. people i work with. people around me in general. no one's really real. some, consciously put on an act. some, unconsciously try to be someone they're not. and me being me - i just want to be left alone for a while.

so i want to be left alone.

i'm gathering my thoughts.

i'm going over my dreams.

and this is how i feel .....

let me dream

him : what do you want?

me : i want to be a dreamer when i grow up

him : a dreamer? that's not right. what will you do? what for?

me : i want to dream ....

i want to dream of the skies above

i want to dream of the universe beyond

i want to dream of the oceans beneath

i want to savour the flavours of the world

i want to dream the unknown, i want to dream the unwritten

i want to dream the unventured, i want to dream the unexplored

so don't restrict me. don't stop me

let me dream

this is me - finally

i'm asian, but sorry, soft spoken i'm not

i'm chinese, but sorry, demure i'm not

i'm a girl, but sorry, floral wishy-washy 'cuteness' i do not like

after much soul [or template] searching, this is me.

i love the vibrancy of colours. but i also need the solitude of the sturdy black.

i love the delights of randomness. but i also need the definition solid blocks, shapes and lines give.

i do not like borders that restrict. but i like things stream-lined.

so this is me.

this. is. me.

passive impassive

it's funny how life never turns out the way you want it to.

last year was a deliberately passive year for me. i spent nearly half of the year traveling, and the second half at a job where i just did what i love. it didn't even feel like work.

prior to that, life was a hectic roller coaster. juggling mission trips, living for a year in a non-city environment, going back to college, assignments, exams, juggling two extremely challenging and competitive jobs ... it was a wonder i didn't age 10 years just from those few years alone.

so yes, last year, i decided i need a break. and it was.

still, being who i am, i couldn't have continued being that passive. so this year ... wow. here it comes again.

of course, i didn't plan or imagine something like this. i mean, in fact, i always thought i'd be married and with kids by 25. yeah i know. i turned 25 and still am very single, but by choice and not circumstances. anyway, yes, i always thought i'd be over the corporate world, high-flying kinda life by 25. but it doesn't seem so.

so far, 2009 has been surprising. in more good ways than bad. so here's to you 2009, be kind, be nice. and i'll love you for it ;)

here comes my weekend

it is friday!!!!! and what's even better is tomorrow is not a working day!!!! i need to give thanks just for that alone. well, i DO have a meeting around 11.30 but at least i don't have to crawl awake at 7!!

anyway, the past two or maybe three nights, i've been working late, going home only around 11pm [yes, imagine it. 9am-11pm] and so my body is dead sore.

anyway, yesterday night, the moment i let myself in, i saw dad and he was like ....

dad: why are you working so late nowadays?
me: not nowadays la -.- every month, this time, i work this late. [and i was thinking, it's just that no one notices coz they're always home later than i]
dad: i left you dinner last night and tonight, but it's gone now

and i was thinking, yes, i haven't eaten anything nice lately.

you see, i'm really really adaptable and not too particular BUT i do love 'my kind of' food and drinks.

i love my salads. i love good food. i love nice drinks. sis says i'm high-maintenance, but i just prefer to think of myself as liking 'fresh food'. i mean, no complains about the local food, i love my curries and spicy stuff, but nothing can beat my fresh salads.

anyway, wow. it's friday. i'll probably have to work late again tonight. mag's not off for print so there's a lot of proofreading to do but it's ok. i'm sleeping in tomorrow.

the way i am

i wish i love you more, i wish i obey you more

i wish i surrender more than i fight, i wish i submit more than i question

searching for you, i wondered at myself.

going around in circles, when ever is the end

someone once told me, if You didn't want me to be this way, You wouldn't have created me so.

so maybe, i might wish i'm more like her. i might wish i'm more like him. at the end of the day, surely You didn't make any mistakes in making me this way. surely You knew what You were doing.

so maybe, it's time i learn to accept and love myself the way i am.

colours

oh in case you're wondering why i keep changing the colour of my blog ....

i can only say i'm discovering myself. haha. but it's true.

i thought i liked a white background, plain is good, no?

but then i realized, nope. i really can't stand living without colours.

then i realized, i also don't like grey-ish/gloomy-looking screens....

so we'll see.

the simple gifts of life

ok, i need a break.

today's been a good day. i've been working [writing-proofreading-writing] all day, every minute and that's good. but now i need a break.

anyway, i was just thinking, i'm a very 'sensitive' person. not sensitive as in easily hurt/take-everything-personally kind of sensitive but more of a, very "sense-heightened" person.

i remember everything i smell, see or touch very easily. as i was proofreading this totally unrelated article, i thought of a friend's cologne. he was the guy i traveled with to bangkok recently. i haven't seen him for a while, so i thought of him.

i'm not just a vision kind of person. thinking about him, i can actually recall the scent of his cologne, as he sat beside me for five consecutive days; his face, his voice and even his general appearance/dressing. his name alone, brings to mind his favoured cologne, colours of clothes, voice and jokes. not just him, but anyone else.

i'm also the type of person who misses a friend/relative/loved one and will think about them if i don't seem them for a while.

so yes, i remember another one's cologne. i also remember that other person's smoke-infused 'air'. that friend's voice. a girl friend's touch. a loved one's tenderness.

aren't our senses such a blessing? most times, we take it for granted. we barely bother registering the fact that we can see, smell, touch, hear and taste. but really, i thank god i can.

aromas ... colours ... spiciness ... sweetness ... silky touches ... soft whispers.

aren't they all the simple gifts of life?

now i know why

no wonder i'm so messed up!

ok, first, to explain - due to me having finished ALL my work and am on the verge of going insane out of boredom, i decided to look at zodiacs and star signs. yes, i don't believe in it, but oh well, since i'm free and i don't know what else i haven't read or wiki-ed.

anyway, now i know why i'm so messed up. or rather, now i know why i have such conflicting tendencies and personality.

apparently, i was born 'on a cusp', meaning, i was born on the day when the sun supposedly changed position or something, and therefore, i have traits of TWO different zodiac signs. for me, they are the Libra and Scorpio sign.

so let's see what they say ....

ta da!

Libra
Your element: Air
Your stone: Opals
Life Pursuit: To be consistent
Vibration: Unsteady
Libran's Secret Desire: To live an easy, uncomplicated life

Scorpio
Your element: Water
Your stone: Topaz
Life Pursuit: To survive against all opposition
Vibration: Resilient
Scorpio's Secret Desire: To triumph

ok. look! as a libran, i am unsteady and wants an easy, uncomplicated life [true. yeah, sometimes feel so] but as a scorpion, i try to survive against all opposition [competitive?] and i desire to triumph ?!?!?

see. now i know why sometimes i feel like i can move to the rural english countryside and milk cows for the rest of my life. and sometimes i feel like i have to be in new york, manhattan, ruling the world.

and then, as a Libran, "Librans can switch off from the world around them [yeah, ask my sis. she always says i should move to an island and live alone]. many Librans manage to conjure up a most independent life. They can escape into obscure role playing - and often this makes them extremely successful business people. When it comes to romance and love, Librans can be difficult to fathom"

and then, as a Scorpion, "Scorpios lead fate filled lives and have intense and dramatic personal relationships [yeah, sure?]. Even as children Scorpios are often found to be wise beyond their years [as i said, i'm ancient]. Passion, desire and power go hand in hand for Scorpios. Their biggest challenge and test in life is choosing between the power of love and the love of power [i thought as a Libran, i live a contented life?]. Coming to grips with their extraordinary emotional depths and sensitivity isn't easy for those around them [again yeah. i know my family wants to kill me 360 days of the year]. They are different from all other zodiac signs and this difference has them walking, working and loving to a different beat. Others can often live with a Scorpio partner for years, but not really know them. Much to do with a Scorpio remains a secret. [true, true, true] Their eyes often blaze with feelings that words never express, and beware on the days or nights they hide their feelings behind dark glasses, there is likely to be a storm of some kind brewing."

ok, too much. i'm tuning out. not the bible to me anyway, but sure shows why i contradict myself all the time.

haha.

ok, got more work suddenly.

decide

in between
neither here, nor there
somewhere someplace

i need to make up my mind soon

like, really really soon.

or perhaps, i should say, my mind's made up

i need to act on it soon

like, really really soon

can i have more time? can i have more time .....

v day mortification

i'm so .... 'failed'.

when i like something, or when i believe in something, i go all out for it. and i mean all out. nothing stands in my way, nothing is impossible.

thus, i was so caught up with work for the Prof that i actually asked this sweet, young, IT guy of ours to meet me tomorrow eve to discuss some final details of the task i gave him. i contracted him [ken] and his girlfriend [elvie] to design some stuff for us. and to me, i work all the time; sat/sun/dawn/midnight, there's no 'unavailable' time in my calendar.

ken and elvie are really sweet. always delivering. always accepting my .... ermm ... demands and offering great suggestions to what we already have.

BUT i forgot tomorrow is V Day. i've been single for so long that to me, V day is just another day. but how could i have forgotten to the point of asking this young couple to meet me for work when they should be out celebrating their love??

yikes.

i'm mortified

fake alarm

last night as i was drifting off to sleep, the wail of a siren blasted me awake.

groggily i wondered what it was and my brain told me that it was probably the security alarm of the house behind. annoyed, i turned around in bed, waiting and willing it to stop. after ... 5 - 10 mins of wailing, it stopped and i thanked god for it.

as i was about to fall back into dreamland, it started again. and i wondered, what's the point of the security alarm. i mean, we are so immune (??) and insensitive nowadays that even though we hear it, we wait for it to go off. and i wondered, what if it was really someone in need of help? what if it was really a burglary taking place? we got so used to 'fake' sirens and calls that we do nothing about it despite the reason for the alarm in the first place.

it's not that i'm callous. it's not that i'm apathetic. but what was i supposed to do?

call the cops and then what? i did that once. nothing happened. no cops came.

so ....?

tell me did you see

sometimes, i'm exhilarated. elated and buoyed by an unshakeable sense of purpose, passion and enthusiasm, i run, i soar, i twirl and whirl.

at times, i'm just morose. dejected and overwhelmed by the monotony of work, i wonder what it's all for.

most times, i'm just plain me. working the road. working out life. working, forever working in my mind.

hey you, down the road,

Why are you here?

What did you learn?

What did you see?

hey you, down the road,

Is it going to be different for me?

It it going to be worthwhile for me?

hey you, down the road,

did you see where I turned off?

did you see where I went?

tell me did you see.

tell me did you see where I went?

don't wake me

morning is here. dawn nudges. the sky painted pink; don't wake me

the birds sing, they call, they dance, they invite; don't wake me

golden rays light the day. touches the leaves, gently it warms; don't wake me

don't wake me if you're not going to be here

don't wake me if yours is not the face i'll see

don't wake me if yours is not the voice i'll hear

don't wake me if yours is not the touch i'll feel

don't wake me, just don't wake me if you're not going to be around

what have i done???

oh my god. it suddenly hit me. oh god. i'm nearly afraid to even write it down.

i am going to be 28 in two years!!!?!?! yeah. two years later. 28????

28 equals nearer to 30. equals to .... oh. my. god.

i haven't changed the world!

i haven't even fallen in love.

i haven't ... anything.

i'm in a total dismay now. what have i done?

god. ok. breathe. think. surely i've achieved notable and worthy ... deeds (??!)

something at least??

let me think.

i have experienced working in orphanages. old folks' home. womens' shelter.

i have taught, children and young people. and hopefully, given a part of me to them. something that they can have to help them in the world.

i have seen various continents.

i have ... made my points and stand firm on what truly matters to me.

i have ... been there for my family when it matters ....

i have ... been there for my friends when it matters ....

i have loved ... lost ... believed .... hoped ....

and i guess, i haven't destroyed myself in the process.

sigh.

well i guess, yeah. while, i may not have settled down as many of my friends have. while i may not have the tidy home and 2.5 kids like my friends do. and while i may not be the lawyer i thought i'd be [not what i want now], the ambassador i dreamed i'd be [i realized i'm too idealistic for it], or the world changer i still want to be, i'm still all right.

for now.

change again

i'm thinking [and that's not good] haha. well, not 'not good' but when i think, it's also when i start to formulate ideas. vague dreams become steps and concrete plans. random thoughts become things i wanna do. and more often than not, i go on impulse.

but this time anyway, i'm thinking, but i'm not thinking of anything specific.

yes, i'm being random again.

there are so many things on my plate right now, so different, so ..... all over the place, i can only stare at them. grouped together, they are mind-boggling. separated, they pull me towards totally differing directions. but that's not altogether bad i guess.

was talking to a friend and he was remarking how i seem to always be moving about. and you know what, that seems to be my life path.

i've always wanted to bring change. and it turns out that change is a very big part of my life. careers. locations. circles ....

of course, change is the one constant thing in everyone's life but much more so in my life. i guess it's because i've always accepted that change is inevitable so i embrace it. most of the time, people fear the unknown. resisting change is common. and people rather stay in a comfort zone than venture into unfamiliar territory. for me, since i know change is part of my 'destiny', i go all out and jump right into it. sometimes i land. sometimes i flop. sometimes, i just go ... whatever. nothing lost, so let's try.

scared? yes of course. but it's going to come anyway, so ... just go for it.

sometimes it's unsettling. you learn something. you think you're getting the hang of it, and boom, you've got to unlearn and do something new again.

anyway, just a random rambling post about changes in my life.

linger

did you know that when your heart beats, it reminds you you're alive
but did you know that when my heart beats, it reminds me you're not with me

did you know that when you look up at the skies and see the stars, you see the galaxy
but did you know that when i look up at the skies and see the stars, i see the fading mist

i hear of untold dreams

i dream of unborn wishes

i wish of unwritten desires

did you know that when you breathe in, you savour the gift of life
but did you know that when i breathe in, i breathe in unspoken pain

did you know that when water runs, you delight in its sensation; cool it is, to your touch
but did you know that when water runs, i feel it mingle with tears unshed

a journey unfolds

a path not trod

choices made, decisions set in stone

gazing at you

i linger in between worlds

a world of maybes, a world of perhaps

a world of ever after

a world of smoke and mirrors

did you know, oh, did you know.



p.s. fiction, fiction and fiction.

the chase

running day and night

you across my mind

cliched it may be, if only you would cease

running day and night

i wandered after you

ever after, a never ending chase

stretching out my hands

a wishful dream i grasp

floating away

the chase remains

all that's left behind

i gather the letters you left

bangkok and beyond