press start and go

at times, i feel like giving up. caving in to the darkness around, i imagine myself shoving everything to the ground. to hell with it all, i don't want to care. i don't want to feel. i give up - do you care?

to me, the glass is always half full. knowing His word, i know very well His promises and having experienced Him, i never doubted His existence. i know He is real. i know He never lies. so despite what i feel, despite what happens, i persistently cling to what He said.

from the very beginning, i was taught to not look at 'the world'. i was schooled to not let circumstances and life dictate what i feel. so personally, i always chose to believe. i always chose to hope. i always chose to stand on His word.

they say i'm always cheerful. they say i never seem to have problems or stress. yes. not because i'm deluded, not because i really do not have any worries.

rather, i know to set my mind on things above.

still, at times, i'm tempted to yell. i'm tempted to lash out and ask, where is the justice of it all? where is the logic of it all? and most importantly, where is the purpose of it all.

anyway, i'm rambling.

as the clock strikes twelve, another day dawns.

another moment has passed.

and again i tell myself, His Word endures.

so yes, let's start again.

yes and yes

yes i like to push the lines.

yes i like to traverse the boudaries of what should be.

yes i like to challenge societal expectations.

but yes, He is also the foundation and centre of it all.

selah

if life had a 'recycle bin', i'm clicking delete on the mess that is my mind.

rummaging through dust-covered boxes and long-forgotten drawers, i searched, in vain for a trace of it.

switching everything off i listened, in the desperate attempt to capture the barest of the whisper that existed only in my memory.

closing my eyes, i wished, and conjured, glimpses of fleeting shadows.

i wait.

selah.

i wait.

a muse - i'll always be

i'm a muse. or maybe i'm just plain deluded.

oh but wait. isn't creativity from aBoVe?

i like pushing boundaries. not His boundaries. but the boundaries created by man. the boundaries created by society.

i like challenging the norm. i like questioning 'tradition'.

if He believes in me. why can't you?

why must men limit themselves so?

why did we come up with so many rules, regulations, 'tradition', 'practice' and the ever famous this-is-the-way-things-are-done?

why did we give up creativity?

why did we give up the beauty of discovey?

why did we abandon the pursuit of purity and simplicity?

isn't creativity from above?

isn't He the ultimate Creator?

so why have we stopped believing in the beauty around and why have we let go of the joy of just 'being'?

why did we let the destroyer of dreams win?

what is the law really for???

was slightly disturbed by a conversation i had with a friend yesterday.

he mentioned that a few weeks ago, a local young man was caught planting@trying to grow 5 sprouts of weed and was caught doing so [in his own house!!!]. he has now been sentenced to death. and yes, the death sentence still applies in malaysia.

i have never tried weed. never have, never want to and never will. but i've done studies on it and also asked relevant academia about it and everyone of them stated that scientifically, it is not as negative as it has been put out to be. in fact, it is used as a form of medication regularly.

anyway, i'm not here to advocate the use of it but i think that sometimes, there should be logic and pure, basic human reasoning or even, a dash of humanity when it comes to determining the life and death of a person.

in the first place, who are we to say who dies and who lives?

ok. yes, certain crimes are really heinous and maybe, maybe, unforgivable. serials rapists. genocidal crime. murder. things like that. but when it comes to a young person of just 24?? should we be so quick to rule his death?

he was caught not trafficking drug. not peddling drugs. he was caught in his own house. with sprouts of plants!!! and he's only 24. if the point of the sentence was to correct and educate, why not just a life sentence? was it serious enough to warrant a death of someone who has not even truly experienced life?

what about paedophiles? fathers who rape and torture their children? why aren't they sentenced to death? why is a young man, who - yes i agree, was probably not a good example, but was he really doing anybody any harm? true, some may reason that his act may lead to the spread of 'harmful drugs' [which i don't agree is in the first place] but then, isn't the law there to protect, guide and direct?

why was it a death sentence?

goodbye pink. hello black.

very funny.

i went to the mall to get lunch and ended up buying a phone.

this is how it all began.

i woke up this morning, lazily, rolling in bed, i wondered why my alarm hasn't sounded. seemed like i've slept for a long while. but i did set my alarm for 9am and well, since it hasn't gone off, surely i'm early. but i felt ... uncomfortable. so i reached for my phone and glanced at the time. and got the shock of my life.

it was 10.45am. i had a meeting at 11am. in PJ! [me in cheras]

i practically bolted up and out. rushed into the bathroom. slammed everything. and basically, crammed my usual 45mins routine into a 15 minutes thing.

my phone had 4 missed calls and 6 messages.

it did not ring. it did not vibrate. it did not even beep. not a squeak at all.

this is the second time it has happened. it is NOT on silent mode yet, as and when it likes, it just decides to be quiet.

ok. my life is kinda ... fast-paced. i'm always in contact with people. i'm almost always online and i just can't be out of contact.

sigh. anyway, that's why it had to go.

i loved it. it was pink. but it decided to rebel.

so it had to go.

sorry pink baby. black is in now.

freedom in faith - as in, there is freedom in my faith

i'm not who i used to be.

some may think i've deviated. but then, (giggling) i'll gladly admit that i'm happy to be so.

while i still may not entirely know Him - i don't think we ever will as it's a progress and as we gaze upon the mirror, we will see more....anyway, i digressed. what i mean to say is, while i can not say for sure that this is the way He wants us to live, this is the way He wants us to be - who am i to say i know for sure? but i know i can say, what He does not want us to be.

i know He doesn't want me to be legalistic. i know He doesn't want me to set Him and life in a box. i know He doesn't want me to condition the circumstances of how life should be, how people should react, how things should work out. i know He doesn't want me to pass life by. i know He wants me to live in freedom. i know He wants each day to be a discovery of Him. i know He wants each day to be a joyous exploration of all there can be.

so yes! i'm happy everyday. i may not have all i want in life. i may not have worked everything out. but i'm happy. deep inside i know, this is life. this is freedom. and i'm having so much fun just tripping along ;)

made to love

this is life, as it is.

made to love - tobyMac

why stay?

ok, let's talk relationship.

i've been single for ... 3 years? or more. i don't know. and while i may sometimes miss the constant fellowship and availability of a guy-friend (boyfriend sounds a little too juvenile for me now), i really do not regret choosing this.

of course i don't want to remain single forever but if i had to choose between simply picking a guy and settling into an expected relationship or being who i am, myself, but free, i'd still choose being free.

yes, mum nags. and wonders why i just won't settle. some friends or new people i meet, when they hear i'm single, would immediately give that 'look' and plot my next match. but honestly, yeah, i want to meet 'him' - the right guy, but please, please don't ask me to settle for just anyone.

friends who are in long-term relationships lament often on how unhappy they sometimes are. they always say 'i wish i'm you .... or i wish i have your kind of independance/freedom'. i wonder to myself, surely it's a matter of choice. i mean, you could be too but probably reasons such as, the expectations of society, comfort zone and fear of the unknown, hold you back and instead of liberating, love causes one to remain in a cycle or circle, of .... i don't know ... unending dissatisfaction?

again, why confine yourself to settling for something if that's not what you truly want? while the unknown might be scary and risky, isn't it better than a life of frustrations?

friends quarrel with their other halves and come telling me they wish they can break up. i always hear how it's always a cycle. yes, relationships are never perfect, people disagree but if deep within, you know that this is not 'the one'. if this is not what you want to live with for the rest of your life; if this is not what you feel you want to fight for and hold on to; why? why stay?

has society conditioned us so much that we must have a relationship to appear whole?

my constant stranger

i dreamt of you, my constant stranger.

serenade me, i whispered to you.

your solid shadow, forever there.

your calming presence, ever abiding.

faithful. powerful. strange yet dear.

my constant stranger.

some things are worth holding

some things are worth looking for,
the once-forgotten dream.

some things are worth going to,
the never-again experience.

some things are worth giving up,
the self-deluded principle.

some things are worth saying yes to,
the lingering hold, the heart-numbing kiss.

some things are worth risking,
the maybes, the perhaps, and the might-not-evers.

some things are worth seeking out,
that elusive spark. that special person. the only one.

some things are worth having,
perhaps for just that second.
perhaps for just that moment.

perhaps, just perhaps, for now and never again.

but some things,

some things, are worth holding.


tell me little girl, what are you looking for?

decisions today and tomorrow

from the time i started making my own decisions, i've always made them based on this - does it go against my conscience?

of course, i've made wrong decisions. i've cringed at the mess some created. some i celebrated, some i wept over. but nevertheless, my decisions have always been something i try to live with. or i should specify - principles i live by.

someone asked why i did not go for the more glamourous jobs i was offered. when i came back last year, i was offered a position at an international (uk-based) Uni. was also offered a position with a HK-based airline but i turned both down. why? simply because i wanted to go for passion. true, while being a writer may not earn me as much money; being a writer may not bring me as much recognition, writing is what i want to do. so despite the lure of 'better' offers, i opted for passion.

someone asked why i never chose the easy road and stayed in a relationship i knew was going nowhere. true, it was easy. it was comfortable. but we both knew it would have been dead in the long run. two completely different halves do not make one. yes, opposites attract. and yes, we are supposed to enhance and enrich one another in a relationship, but when both are headed towards different directions, the only possible result is a split right down the middle. so i opted for a new beginning.

someone asked why i did not stay in the uk. supposedly more glamorous. supposedly a chic and much-clamoured-for lifestyle. i chose family. to have come back and to be here for people who mean the world to me means much more than anything else. perhaps me being here makes no difference to them, as in, their lives go on, so does mine. but being here, makes a difference to me. because i know i chose them.

someone asked why now i'm leaving this job again. a job that looks totally enviable and opt for something uncertain, something without stability. while there may not be a net to catch me if i fall. while i won't again see my name in print, and while i may not even see the stepping stone to come, again, i chose with my heart. knowing my time has come to an end. knowing my purpose is to move on, i chose.

so yes, time and again, my decision has baffled many. perplexed my parents and brought upon countless explanations, i know that when asked, i'll choose exactly again.

the sun will shine again

granted, the picture wasn't taken professionally but i was driving and was about to turn onto another road.

anyway, going to work this morning, the sun, literally blinded me.

it dazzled and was just totally glorious.

and i couldn't help but go .... oh what a gloriously beautiful day.

you know, it's never really about what we feel. it's about what we want to feel.

so let's choose to see the sun today.

a little kooky but loving it ....

because i wanted to paint....

was sitting at my desk, stuck with no connection for a while

and lo and behold! i discovered the fun of painting virtually

the call of the sinful

my very-very-much-anticipated-but-delicious-and-sinful-plus-calorie-laden lunch this coming sunday. not forgetting the amazing girl who'll be going with me

p.s. pictures stolen from my fave malaysian food blog http://www.awhiffoflemongrass.com

Departure Lounge,
No. 10, Jalan Solaris 4,
Solaris Mont’ Kiara, 50480, Kuala Lumpur.
Tel:03-6203 0362
Business Hours: 8am - 7pm (Monday-Saturday)
10am-5pm (Sunday and public holidays)

p.s.

omg.

i must be the last person on earth to know this - i just discovered that my keyboard at work is battery operated.

i didn't know there were battery operated keyboards.

gosh. i must be from the 13th century

well, i'm just being random

kit bought a flashy camera. a DSLR. don't ask me what it stands for. he told me. i forgot. i tend to blank out when things get too technical.

anyway. i love love LOVE taking pics too and considered getting a similar gadget but knowing me, i probably would just use it at its most basic level. so no point getting one overly priced or technical. unless, i actually take the time to figure out all the buttons and whatever else on it. but again, knowing me, i'd freak out if anything i press actually morphs into something else. i'm pretty basic when it comes to these. that's probably why i still haven't persuaded myself to go for some funky phone with wifi [which i do want but knowing me, i'd probably not figure it out and stick with a laptop]

something else random.

was with sis yesterday. and you know what? i actually DO read everything beforehand. for example, if i'm to go somewhere or meet someone, i'd read up on it/him/her, or at least, surf through pics and general info of the place/person. if i'm to go somewhere new to shop or eat, i'd also read up on it, print out map of the place and etc. if i buy something new, again, i'd read it first. [oooh! but MY definition of read would be speed-reading, but still reading].

i think i'm spontaneous. i mean, i might be lazing in bed but if i feel like going for cake/books/movie, i'd just up and go. but i'm also known to be studious and meticulous. so.i.read.

besides, that's probably why i can write. coz i fill my head with so much fluff.

haha.

i like that word.

so much fluff.

well, i'm just being random.

the storm

standing in the dark
i watched the storm rage
unleashed, the rain lashed at the trees
gusts of wind tore through the leaves
swaying, yielding but unbending
they stood and held firm
unrelenting the storm might be
they stood on still

and as i watched, i thought of Him
how He said to hold fast through the rain

thunders roared
the wind howled

yet

strong as the wind might be
strong as the rain might be

in time it cleared

washed clean
darkness lifted
clouds cleared
the breeze came

gentle
refreshing

He remained

for you i'll try

he said that i look like someone who can really drink well - alcohol that is.

sigh. do you see my heart free falling?

no. no. no.

well, i wonder. you know, people really have this perception of me. an idea of a girl who likes the to paint the town red. sorry to disappoint. but i'm neither into painting walls nor into painting them red should i actually choose to do so.

anyway, i've always been the type who don't really care what others think - to a certain extent. because as much as i want to live my life my way and tell those who try to set me according to their point of views to go fly kites, He told me that i should live my life honourably and conduct myself as He would.

so yes, instinct tells me to not bother at all with what others think. do i care? no i don't. are they right? no they're not. because at the end of the day, their assumptions are just that. assumptions based on a narrow perspective, perceptions based on nothing substantial.

unfortunately, or forunately, depending on how you view it, life is not about me just living anyway i want.

it's for you.

so yes, i'll try.

b-l-u-e

yo listen up here's a story about a little girl
that lives in a blue world
and all day and all night
and everything she sees is just blue like her
inside and outside
blue her house with a blue little window
and a blue corvette
and everything is blue

psst: i'm not feeling blue. just a very old song by Eiffel 65 that's playing in my head

take a break, he says

for a while there, i was stunned
spinning into oblivion
i let my mind drift
exhausted, it screams
strung tight, it protests
words and letters blurring into shades of grey
fantasy and reality no longer defined
take a break, he says
relive, refresh, recreate

privacy in danger

yesterday was my day. as in i spent time alone, with myself, just doing whatever i like and wanted to.

i was sitting at one of my favourite cafes - san francisco, i had my sandwich, coffee and book. it was paradise recreated. as i was about to tune out and settle into my book, i couldn't help but overheare the man beside me. in fact, the layout of the place was such that strangers were practically sitting next to you.

from his accent, i could easily tell that he wasn't local, a hongkee in fact. he was talking with his friend. business deals were discussed and laid out. every single word and figure uttered, i heard clearly. i tried, really tried to tune out and not overhear. but he was seated practically two inches away from me and i'm not deaf, however i tried to tune out.

and i wondered, why put tables so close together?

imagine if i were some scammer or good-for-nothing person, wouldn't it have been the perfect opportunity to actually get something out of it? i mean, maybe, being an idealist, i would hope that people are courteous; no one would eavesdrop, no one would care, and no one would go beyond what is right and wrong. but being the realist, i'm pretty sure that not everyone's going to be that black and white.

and i wondered, where's the line where we draw and stake our privacy?

i need You

can't sleep.

and i'm thinking ....

i need You

if only it was that easy.

if only it is that easy.

paradise alone

wonders of the hidden world
fantasies, legends and stories of old

let me explore
yes, leave me alone

oh leave me alone,

this, my paradise alone

it's never only make believe to me

stranger in the sky
tell me I'm not spending too much time on happy endings
and my life does not rely on how much love you might be lending me
above
there's so much I'm depending on
remembering more instead of war with me, myself and I

i'm headed for the stranger in the sky
resort in paradise
now louder
answer the wish and kiss bids goodbye


*words by jason mraz

out-burst

have always been explosive. i mean, i am. i really am.

one word. one call. one action can send me into ... a fit of rage. ok. maybe not a full-out rage, but definitely enough to irk me and make me wanna react. very bad i know. somehow, i never get the hang of it.

sometimes, i look at those people who are just so ridiculously and impossibly sweet-natured and i go, what in the world are they made of. i definitely have some missing DNA. hopefully, i'm better, slightly better, in controlling my temper now that i'm older, but really. gosh. why am i so hot-tempered??

nowadays, i make myself count to 5 [i can't do 10. too long] before exploding or lashing out but still, i practically boil within.

haha. ok. i'm just rambling. coz someone called just now, about 15 minutes ago [see? i waited that long to react] and asked me to do something ridiculous. really ridiculous. as in, they're free, i'm not. they have all the time in the world, i'm stuck and tied up, yet am expected to do it. sigh.

tell me. how do we decide when it's right to let it fly? no? never? or are we entitled?

no. you tell me.

colour the world

one day, a child saw a box of crayons on the ground ....

ah! crayons. what a long-forgotten toy; the magic wands of artists and fairies alike

now little child, go paint the world

go dazzle

go splash

go colour

help me look for me

i should have known.

surfing through. glancing at a friend's pictures, i was going, duh. of course he likes that type of music. he wears his hair in dreadlocks! cool. very cool.

was never into stereotyping. in fact, most of the times, i feel that appearances are deceiving. ridiculously so.

once this guy had a totally inappropriate impression of me.

him: want a cigarette?
me : nope. i don't smoke
him: no? hmm yeah. [after much thinking] i guess you don't look like you smoke ciggs. you look like more like you smoke weed.

-.-

ok. i sure hope he was joking. and admitedly, i was experimenting then and had purple highlights in my hair. very very subtle ones ok. and streaks. not chunks. so it was barely there.

anyway, yeah. so impressions? what impressions?

never judge a book by its cover, that's true.

but then again, sometimes, there are indications.

there really are.

maybe at the heart of this post, what i really want to say is ....

deep down.

underneath the millions of cleverly hidden layers ....

in between the lines ....

come look for me.

uncover the real me.

unravel the artfully put-up facade that's supposed to be me.

unveil the me that longs for you to see.

what i really want you to see.

me.

sunday perfection

a perfect day

a perfect spot

a perfect pair of heels

this, my perfect sunday afternoon