on the brink and teetering

i'm teetering on the edge of ... insanity and conventionality.

subconsciously stressed to the max. i know i am. because as i lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, i subconsciously grind my teeth. i never do that. and now, i'm doing it while still awake. how terrible is that?

everyday is an exercise of faith, hope and illusion. i'm stressed subconsciously. i tell myself i'm not but everyday my mind wanders and worries about dad. about the condition of his body. about probabilities. about consequences. it doesn't help that he's not being very co-operative.

usually, i'm well able to handle challenges and difficulties. either i face them and deal with them, or i shelf them away and handle them another day. but when it comes to something that is beyond my control, beyond my monitoring and beyond my grasp, what do i do?

i can't box it up. i can't block it out. i can only tell myself not to worry.

but isn't that delusion at its best? isn't that running away? not thinking about something does not make it less real. not thinking about it also does not make it go away.

maybe, out of it all, i find that i do, perhaps, have some form of strength in me. i can, perhaps, weather the storms life throw at me. but at what cost?

sure the sun will shine again. no storm is forever. but when will this be over?

will we break before the break comes?