as i board the shuttle that would take me across the terminal to the departure lounge at the KLIA [kuala lumpur international airport], i am struck by a sense of deja vu.
last year this time, i was flying around the UK and spent considerable time waiting at airports, bus terminals, transit and departure lounges. somehow, here i am again -traveling on my own. and i thought i was done with it.
no doubt, this time, it is for work, and maybe, 70% pleasure. but it's still the same - traveling alone.
while it may seem glamourous to many, the fact that i fly around, i get to travel, and i get to just up and go; it is also a vastly lonely life.
last year, i was telling my friend that, yes, six months of traveling is fun, but six months of traveling alone is not as fun as it looks.
to and fro i go. while i may get to meet the unexpected friend along the way, there is also a sense of over-independence and solitude.
a quiet that is always with you.
a feeling that at the end of the day, when you close the door to your room, you're with yourself again.
January 29, 2009
January 28, 2009
epic battle
finally finally managed to catch Battle of Red Cliffs, [Red Cliff 2], the chinese epic film i have been waiting since last year. and i loved loved loved it.
it was kinda long. i felt tired sitting for so long but i just love chinese war movies. i love war movies, period. i actually shed tears at war movies. maybe i'm a sadist. haha. nope. i'm just awed by the brilliance of the strategists. the plannings. the warriors. the bravery and heroic acts of these guys who believe in something enough that they die for it.
as i was watching the movie, something struck at the chord of my heart.
in the film, a 'new' weapon was designed. it could launch arrows continuously. it was marvelous, deadly and ahead of its time. but i realized that only a select group of people were chosen to use these top-of-the-line weapons. those who used them, were guys who were at the frontline of the attack. the same guys actually had to pass through several stages of tests and attacks before they got close enough to actually launch their weapons and defeat the enemy.
and i was thinking, He has great and mighty gifts for us all. He also has great and mighty purposes for us all. but for us to be able to actually use or even be given these gifts, we actually have to endure the ardous and often, nerve-breaking tests. there are wars to fight and victories to conquer before we are able to actually 'launch the arrow'.
and i wondered, yes. i may see the weapon. and yes, i may want it. it's brand-new. powerful. exciting. and everything i ever dream of. but to get to a place where i actually am able to 'use' it is a different matter.
you know, staying on course is actually way harder than launching the arrow.
fighting the fight is not really what comes at the end. it's the charge towards it.
it was kinda long. i felt tired sitting for so long but i just love chinese war movies. i love war movies, period. i actually shed tears at war movies. maybe i'm a sadist. haha. nope. i'm just awed by the brilliance of the strategists. the plannings. the warriors. the bravery and heroic acts of these guys who believe in something enough that they die for it.
as i was watching the movie, something struck at the chord of my heart.
in the film, a 'new' weapon was designed. it could launch arrows continuously. it was marvelous, deadly and ahead of its time. but i realized that only a select group of people were chosen to use these top-of-the-line weapons. those who used them, were guys who were at the frontline of the attack. the same guys actually had to pass through several stages of tests and attacks before they got close enough to actually launch their weapons and defeat the enemy.
and i was thinking, He has great and mighty gifts for us all. He also has great and mighty purposes for us all. but for us to be able to actually use or even be given these gifts, we actually have to endure the ardous and often, nerve-breaking tests. there are wars to fight and victories to conquer before we are able to actually 'launch the arrow'.
and i wondered, yes. i may see the weapon. and yes, i may want it. it's brand-new. powerful. exciting. and everything i ever dream of. but to get to a place where i actually am able to 'use' it is a different matter.
you know, staying on course is actually way harder than launching the arrow.
fighting the fight is not really what comes at the end. it's the charge towards it.
January 27, 2009
NEW year indeed
it's the second day of the chinese lunar new year and it has been 3 dreadful days .... *sniff*. i wish it wasn't so. i wish i didn't have to say that such a beautiful and traditional celebration was dreadful but it was.
on the eve of the eve of the lunar new year [yes the night before the eve], i began to feel slightly nauseous. i was lying on my friend's couch and just listening to him talk but i felt like throwing up. i had a sick dread that i was coming down with food poisoning. i know the symptoms. it's horrible. that flash of pain in your stomache that comes and goes every few minutes. horrible.
anyway, the next morning, the eve of the lunar new year, i threw up 3 times and it wasn't even nine in the morning. i crawled into bed and between flashes of gut-wrenching pain, i was feverish and having the worst kind of headache. the abominable pain continued ALL DAY. the traditional reunion dinner was a no-go. i tried to be present but sitting there and listening to the noise around me and having to deal with the aromas of the food just made it worse. i slept in the car while the family finished 'reunion' dinner.
the first day of the lunar new year, i started to feel better towards the evening. the pain in my stomache was gone and my headache was subsiding. feeling slightly better, i decided to go get a few books around 8 in the evening as i knew i would be in bed for quite a few days.
the 'gods' must have been having fun with my misery. at 9pm, when trying to leave the darkening mall, the car wouldn't start. i tried and tried, to no avail. the car battery had died. i didn't know whether to scream, shout or cry. i was beginning to break into a cold sweat, feeling sick-ish and i couldn't go anywhere, stranded in the mall.
today, the second day of the lunar new year .... here i am. the scent of food still makes me nauseous. don't even mention the word food to me.
i must be having the greatest start of the lunar new year of all.
.JPG)
Happy Chinese New Year
on the eve of the eve of the lunar new year [yes the night before the eve], i began to feel slightly nauseous. i was lying on my friend's couch and just listening to him talk but i felt like throwing up. i had a sick dread that i was coming down with food poisoning. i know the symptoms. it's horrible. that flash of pain in your stomache that comes and goes every few minutes. horrible.
anyway, the next morning, the eve of the lunar new year, i threw up 3 times and it wasn't even nine in the morning. i crawled into bed and between flashes of gut-wrenching pain, i was feverish and having the worst kind of headache. the abominable pain continued ALL DAY. the traditional reunion dinner was a no-go. i tried to be present but sitting there and listening to the noise around me and having to deal with the aromas of the food just made it worse. i slept in the car while the family finished 'reunion' dinner.
the first day of the lunar new year, i started to feel better towards the evening. the pain in my stomache was gone and my headache was subsiding. feeling slightly better, i decided to go get a few books around 8 in the evening as i knew i would be in bed for quite a few days.
the 'gods' must have been having fun with my misery. at 9pm, when trying to leave the darkening mall, the car wouldn't start. i tried and tried, to no avail. the car battery had died. i didn't know whether to scream, shout or cry. i was beginning to break into a cold sweat, feeling sick-ish and i couldn't go anywhere, stranded in the mall.
today, the second day of the lunar new year .... here i am. the scent of food still makes me nauseous. don't even mention the word food to me.
i must be having the greatest start of the lunar new year of all.
.JPG)
Happy Chinese New Year
January 24, 2009
January 22, 2009
grace in the grace
* random
wham! there it was. there it always was, that immediate, staggering lift of the heart....
so simple. so miraculous.
and that. that is what i'll hold out for.
wham! there it was. there it always was, that immediate, staggering lift of the heart....
so simple. so miraculous.
and that. that is what i'll hold out for.
picture taken on the night i wandered out and got lost in the floating petals
January 21, 2009
don't box me in
there are about 16 of us in my company. not 16 writers. but 16 people. not much i know, but we are actually a 'large' organization. between the 16 of us, we run three different companies and a thousand other projects. anyway, despite the small number of people in the company, i actually love working for a 'small' organization. i really do.
in the last two months, dad has been in and out of the hospital. unlike my brother and sister who work for MNCs, i've actually had the time to go to and from the hospital with them. my bosses have all been extremely understanding, allowing me to leave early when necessary, take leave in cases of emergencies and generally just have been really ... liberal. i do too, have a set amount of hours i have to work in a day. a set time where i have to be in the office and just the same workload but i think, it's been a real blessing that i had the understanding and support of my bosses.
being me, if i couldn't dash to the hospital in between breaks or leave early and take emergency days off, i wouldn't have been very productive at work. yes, i might have still gotten my work done, but i would have been restless, fidgety and just downright gloomy-looking.
if i were in my sis's or brother's condition, where there is absolutely no such freedom, i would have died or quit my job. i mean ... oh man, i can't. i can't just go to work when i know someone i love is in the hospital. especially when i know my parents aren't really able to communicate properly with the non-chinese attendants and docs. i can't sit around when i know there's something more pressing happening in the life of people who matter. i am a need-to-know kinda person. i need to know the progress; what happens; what will; what might and everything in between.
yes, i worked in an international organization too and i totally understand the need for such structures and rules in place. the 'iron reigns'. there would be utter chaos without it. abuse would definitely ensue. but it's just very sad that the world is at a point where there is no intergrity. no trust. and no ... compromise. because i really think that, sometimes, really, sometimes ... we have to remember that work is just that - work.
life is not about work. we don't live just to work. yes it's important. it's challenging. it's part of life. but if what we do is not what we want to do. if what we do does not in any way make us better, or make the people around us better, why do we do what we do? what is the point and really, why?
big picture. life.
life. is life.
in the last two months, dad has been in and out of the hospital. unlike my brother and sister who work for MNCs, i've actually had the time to go to and from the hospital with them. my bosses have all been extremely understanding, allowing me to leave early when necessary, take leave in cases of emergencies and generally just have been really ... liberal. i do too, have a set amount of hours i have to work in a day. a set time where i have to be in the office and just the same workload but i think, it's been a real blessing that i had the understanding and support of my bosses.
being me, if i couldn't dash to the hospital in between breaks or leave early and take emergency days off, i wouldn't have been very productive at work. yes, i might have still gotten my work done, but i would have been restless, fidgety and just downright gloomy-looking.
if i were in my sis's or brother's condition, where there is absolutely no such freedom, i would have died or quit my job. i mean ... oh man, i can't. i can't just go to work when i know someone i love is in the hospital. especially when i know my parents aren't really able to communicate properly with the non-chinese attendants and docs. i can't sit around when i know there's something more pressing happening in the life of people who matter. i am a need-to-know kinda person. i need to know the progress; what happens; what will; what might and everything in between.
yes, i worked in an international organization too and i totally understand the need for such structures and rules in place. the 'iron reigns'. there would be utter chaos without it. abuse would definitely ensue. but it's just very sad that the world is at a point where there is no intergrity. no trust. and no ... compromise. because i really think that, sometimes, really, sometimes ... we have to remember that work is just that - work.
life is not about work. we don't live just to work. yes it's important. it's challenging. it's part of life. but if what we do is not what we want to do. if what we do does not in any way make us better, or make the people around us better, why do we do what we do? what is the point and really, why?
big picture. life.
life. is life.
January 20, 2009
and so He will
i haven't been around ... and i wish it was because i'm having an amazing-whirlwind social life. but no. it was back to the hospital. in and out. and ... lots of sitting around. lots of deep breathing. lots of waiting.
anyway, part I of the operation is done. and successfully so. now it's on to the tougher part, which no, i will not mention because i'm trying not to think about it now.
but you know what? He works in mysterious ways. throughout the ordeal, i never allowed myself to question Him. i mean, what for? it's a fact and there's no point asking why. i rather deal with it and face what i can change instead. so yes, i never berated Him or yelled at the injustice and difficulty of the journey but of course, i wish things were simpler. i wish things were easier.
in time, i've come to befriend the professors and doctors who worked on dad. not all, but those who really mattered and play a big part in dad's operation and monitoring of his condition. they go way beyond the call of duty. they have been personally caring, attentive and never once lost their patience with me, despite my endless questions and interrogations. in fact, one of them actually did an extremely noble and generous thing today.
and so here i'm thinking, while i may not see the future and i can not even imagine what tomorrow will be like, i guess i can and i should, trust that when it comes to things that count, HE surely WILL.NOT.fail.me.
even if i wonder. even if i worry. and even if i doubt and run away in denial, HE can't go back on His words. He said He will take care of me. and so He will.
anyway, part I of the operation is done. and successfully so. now it's on to the tougher part, which no, i will not mention because i'm trying not to think about it now.
but you know what? He works in mysterious ways. throughout the ordeal, i never allowed myself to question Him. i mean, what for? it's a fact and there's no point asking why. i rather deal with it and face what i can change instead. so yes, i never berated Him or yelled at the injustice and difficulty of the journey but of course, i wish things were simpler. i wish things were easier.
in time, i've come to befriend the professors and doctors who worked on dad. not all, but those who really mattered and play a big part in dad's operation and monitoring of his condition. they go way beyond the call of duty. they have been personally caring, attentive and never once lost their patience with me, despite my endless questions and interrogations. in fact, one of them actually did an extremely noble and generous thing today.
and so here i'm thinking, while i may not see the future and i can not even imagine what tomorrow will be like, i guess i can and i should, trust that when it comes to things that count, HE surely WILL.NOT.fail.me.
even if i wonder. even if i worry. and even if i doubt and run away in denial, HE can't go back on His words. He said He will take care of me. and so He will.
January 16, 2009
15012009
on the way back from work yesterday, i called sis, thinking to go to dinner with her. i knew mum and dad would already have eaten, it was already 7 plus by then and they usually eat around 5+/6.
anyway, i called sis and i didn't even realize, until she pointed out, that it was thursday already. she's not free on thurdays. i can't believe how the days fly by. again, the weekend is here. i mean, i love weekends but really ... time is zooming by at an astonishing speed.
but well, since sis wasn't free, i didn't feel up to driving around and went home. i wanted to wash my hair and found out that there is NO shampoo. mum usually buys a few large bottles and keep them at home. but they've been busy with the hospital and stuff and i've been so busy with work, i didn't realize there was 'no stock' left.
it was already around 8 by then and yes, the malls are open. but i haven't had dinner and i really didn't feel up to driving out all the way just to get into a mall, get parking, get to the shop and then get into a lonnnnng queue for a bottle of shampoo. thank god for travel sized packs i keep at home.
and i was thinking, how do working mums do it?? where do they find the time and energy, i really don't know.
anyway, i called sis and i didn't even realize, until she pointed out, that it was thursday already. she's not free on thurdays. i can't believe how the days fly by. again, the weekend is here. i mean, i love weekends but really ... time is zooming by at an astonishing speed.
but well, since sis wasn't free, i didn't feel up to driving around and went home. i wanted to wash my hair and found out that there is NO shampoo. mum usually buys a few large bottles and keep them at home. but they've been busy with the hospital and stuff and i've been so busy with work, i didn't realize there was 'no stock' left.
it was already around 8 by then and yes, the malls are open. but i haven't had dinner and i really didn't feel up to driving out all the way just to get into a mall, get parking, get to the shop and then get into a lonnnnng queue for a bottle of shampoo. thank god for travel sized packs i keep at home.
and i was thinking, how do working mums do it?? where do they find the time and energy, i really don't know.
January 15, 2009
speak softly to me
my boss speaks really softly. really really softly. he's one of those nice, intelligent and soft-spoken guys. he probably never loses his temper.
anyway, my point is, he speaks sooo softly that every single person in the office never gets what he says, not the entire sentence anyway. we ALWAYS guess what he's saying. everyone of us usually only manages to catch two words out of his sentences and we have to then guess and figure out what the whole sentence is.
it's not that we don't ask him to repeat or like me, i keep saying "sorry?" ... "sorry??" that we end up looking pretty silly or deaf.
it's funny really. i'll go down and talk to one of the marketing guys, and he'll be like, "i'll send him an email". i'll ask, "why not just go ask him? he's upstairs..." and he'll go, "nope. i won't know what his reply is anyway..." hehe. it's funny.
the layout in the office is such that, i actually sit beside my boss, separated by a partition, and two other writers sit across the floor from us. when we THINK that our boss called one of us [we younger ones are always on our headphones with music blasting], we'll all look up and then STRAIN to hear what he's actually saying, or whom he's speaking to. usually, it's to me. but eventhough i sit BESIDE him, i've to actually stand up, lean over the partition and really really concentrate on his words.
such a rare, soft-spoken guy.
anyway, my point is, he speaks sooo softly that every single person in the office never gets what he says, not the entire sentence anyway. we ALWAYS guess what he's saying. everyone of us usually only manages to catch two words out of his sentences and we have to then guess and figure out what the whole sentence is.
it's not that we don't ask him to repeat or like me, i keep saying "sorry?" ... "sorry??" that we end up looking pretty silly or deaf.
it's funny really. i'll go down and talk to one of the marketing guys, and he'll be like, "i'll send him an email". i'll ask, "why not just go ask him? he's upstairs..." and he'll go, "nope. i won't know what his reply is anyway..." hehe. it's funny.
the layout in the office is such that, i actually sit beside my boss, separated by a partition, and two other writers sit across the floor from us. when we THINK that our boss called one of us [we younger ones are always on our headphones with music blasting], we'll all look up and then STRAIN to hear what he's actually saying, or whom he's speaking to. usually, it's to me. but eventhough i sit BESIDE him, i've to actually stand up, lean over the partition and really really concentrate on his words.
such a rare, soft-spoken guy.
January 14, 2009
runaway girl
The Runaway Bunny is about a little bunny who tells his mother he has decided to run away.
"If you run away," says his mother, "I will run after you. For you are my little bunny." She goes on to tell him that if he becomes a fish in a trout stream, she will become a fisherman and fish for him. If he becomes a little boy, she will become a human mother and catch him in her arms and hug him. No matter what the little rabbit does, his doggedly persistent, ever-pursuing mother will not give up or go away.
"Shucks," says the bunny at last, "I might as well stay where I am and be your little bunny." "Have a carrot," his mother then says.
the story reminds me of david's words, "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me."
HE is, and will be, relentless in His love for us — ever-pursuing, ever-present, and ever-guiding
So ....
no matter where I go ... He'll come.
He will.
"If you run away," says his mother, "I will run after you. For you are my little bunny." She goes on to tell him that if he becomes a fish in a trout stream, she will become a fisherman and fish for him. If he becomes a little boy, she will become a human mother and catch him in her arms and hug him. No matter what the little rabbit does, his doggedly persistent, ever-pursuing mother will not give up or go away.
"Shucks," says the bunny at last, "I might as well stay where I am and be your little bunny." "Have a carrot," his mother then says.
the story reminds me of david's words, "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; if I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there Your hand shall lead me, and Your right hand shall hold me."
HE is, and will be, relentless in His love for us — ever-pursuing, ever-present, and ever-guiding
So ....
no matter where I go ... He'll come.
He will.
The Twelfth of Never
you ask me how much i need you, must i explain?
i need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain
you ask how long i'll love you,
i'll tell you true Until the Twelfth of Never,
i'll still be loving you
hold me close, never let me go
hold me close, melt my heart like april snow
i'll love you til the bluebells forget to bloom
i'll love you til the clover has lost its perfume
i'll love you til the poets run out of rhyme
until the Twelfth of Never and that's a long, long time
Until the Twelfth of Never and that's a long, long time
p.s. why don't we have such beautiful songs anymore ....
i need you, oh my darling, like roses need rain
you ask how long i'll love you,
i'll tell you true Until the Twelfth of Never,
i'll still be loving you
hold me close, never let me go
hold me close, melt my heart like april snow
i'll love you til the bluebells forget to bloom
i'll love you til the clover has lost its perfume
i'll love you til the poets run out of rhyme
until the Twelfth of Never and that's a long, long time
Until the Twelfth of Never and that's a long, long time
p.s. why don't we have such beautiful songs anymore ....
January 13, 2009
the beginning of my pyscho downfall
dreamer grace: intense
realist grace: what intense?
dreamer grace: intense is the only word on my mind now. i can't write. i sort of pulled a muscle or something in my back and it hurts now
realist grace: a massage to make it better?
dreamer grace: it might make it worse
* grimace *
dreamer grace: and i can't write now. can't even sit comfortably
realist grace: and i'm going out of my mind apparently. typing nonsense to myself
* the end *
realist grace: what intense?
dreamer grace: intense is the only word on my mind now. i can't write. i sort of pulled a muscle or something in my back and it hurts now
realist grace: a massage to make it better?
dreamer grace: it might make it worse
* grimace *
dreamer grace: and i can't write now. can't even sit comfortably
realist grace: and i'm going out of my mind apparently. typing nonsense to myself
* the end *
January 12, 2009
all it takes ....
sometimes i wonder why my road seems to be so darn tough.
it's one climb after another. often, especially lately, i feel as if i'm knocking on a wall. an insurmountable, impenetrable wall. no amount of kicking, yelling and frustrated gestures seem to make a dent. not even a scratch.
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
my road is definitely narrow and tough.
years ago, i found the gate. joyously i entered it.
but now i'm thinking to myself, gosh.... staying on it is the tough part man.
of course i'm on it. of course i'm staying but ... wow. tough doesn't even begin to describe the road.
and i thought i went through fire. compared to this, the tests before are like playing in the kiddy pool.
but i guess, like He also said, i should fix my eyes on the end. think of the cloud of witnesses. think of Him and just Him alone. think of the One standing at the right hand, waiting ... welcoming.
perhaps that's why He said, fix. your. eyes. on. Him.
fixing definitely requires concentration.
maybe ... maybe i can't see the end now.
but no one can say i didn't try.
no one can say i didn't wait.
all it takes is just to stay and believe.
it's one climb after another. often, especially lately, i feel as if i'm knocking on a wall. an insurmountable, impenetrable wall. no amount of kicking, yelling and frustrated gestures seem to make a dent. not even a scratch.
"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."
my road is definitely narrow and tough.
years ago, i found the gate. joyously i entered it.
but now i'm thinking to myself, gosh.... staying on it is the tough part man.
of course i'm on it. of course i'm staying but ... wow. tough doesn't even begin to describe the road.
and i thought i went through fire. compared to this, the tests before are like playing in the kiddy pool.
but i guess, like He also said, i should fix my eyes on the end. think of the cloud of witnesses. think of Him and just Him alone. think of the One standing at the right hand, waiting ... welcoming.
perhaps that's why He said, fix. your. eyes. on. Him.
fixing definitely requires concentration.
maybe ... maybe i can't see the end now.
but no one can say i didn't try.
no one can say i didn't wait.
all it takes is just to stay and believe.
January 9, 2009
reprieve
brain is on overload mode.
am so tired, i asked my colleague to hand me the april 2009 magazine.....
am so tired, i asked my colleague to hand me the april 2009 magazine.....
eternal ....
"everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life...."
and i wonder, does it mean that drinking just once is enough? can that one drink, or even sip, last us for the rest of our lives? is it supposed to? or is it supposed to be more? because i can't see how one drink is supposed to last a lifetime.
which reminds me of another woman. When He sat down next to the samaritan woman by the well, He initiated a conversation by discussing material needs. “Would you give me a drink?” and He then steered the conversation through issues that explored the many ways that this woman tried to satisfy her own emptiness, including failed relationships, illicit pleasures, and empty religiosity. the world hasn't changed much has it? what do we fill our lives with?
He made a staggering offer. if anyone comes to Him, they will find their deepest needs and longings met.
the cynical will ask, how real is that?
the realist will think, prove it to me first.
the materialistic will ask, how is that going to help me?
the doubtful will think, is it really going to work
but the child will ask ...
the child will ask, where?
and i wonder, does it mean that drinking just once is enough? can that one drink, or even sip, last us for the rest of our lives? is it supposed to? or is it supposed to be more? because i can't see how one drink is supposed to last a lifetime.
which reminds me of another woman. When He sat down next to the samaritan woman by the well, He initiated a conversation by discussing material needs. “Would you give me a drink?” and He then steered the conversation through issues that explored the many ways that this woman tried to satisfy her own emptiness, including failed relationships, illicit pleasures, and empty religiosity. the world hasn't changed much has it? what do we fill our lives with?
He made a staggering offer. if anyone comes to Him, they will find their deepest needs and longings met.
the cynical will ask, how real is that?
the realist will think, prove it to me first.
the materialistic will ask, how is that going to help me?
the doubtful will think, is it really going to work
but the child will ask ...
the child will ask, where?
January 8, 2009
bound me up
something extremely weird [come to think of it, not that weird] and ... ridiculous thing happened to me yesterday. or i shouldn't say happen, it hasn't happened yet, but it was proposed. it isn't actually the first time a person comes to me with such an ... offer but really ....... anyway. that's not the point.
my point is, we often say that we don't like to live by rules. in fact, i know many who say that rules are meant to be broken.
yes, i hate red-tape, bureaucracy and legislations in the sense that they are often inconvenient, time-consuming and tedious. they can also be restrictive and extremely rigid at times.
but i was thinking, life without boundaries is just as scary. because we have nothing to define how far is too far, we tend to fall before we realized we've strayed. it makes sense why countries have borders. without a clearly defined boundary, you don't know where you are or end up in. i could very well be in Thailand or Russia without even realizing it! [from Malaysia, if you look at the map, it's one piece of land all the way up to the former USSR].
so yes, because of the type of people i meet and associate with, or even because of life, i was thinking last night how if i didn't have some form of guideline/ boundaries/principles, i could very well go all over the place and end up a very messed-up-but-typical-and-expected-angst-ridden-confused and depressed person.
thank god for boundaries.
my point is, we often say that we don't like to live by rules. in fact, i know many who say that rules are meant to be broken.
yes, i hate red-tape, bureaucracy and legislations in the sense that they are often inconvenient, time-consuming and tedious. they can also be restrictive and extremely rigid at times.
but i was thinking, life without boundaries is just as scary. because we have nothing to define how far is too far, we tend to fall before we realized we've strayed. it makes sense why countries have borders. without a clearly defined boundary, you don't know where you are or end up in. i could very well be in Thailand or Russia without even realizing it! [from Malaysia, if you look at the map, it's one piece of land all the way up to the former USSR].
so yes, because of the type of people i meet and associate with, or even because of life, i was thinking last night how if i didn't have some form of guideline/ boundaries/principles, i could very well go all over the place and end up a very messed-up-but-typical-and-expected-angst-ridden-confused and depressed person.
thank god for boundaries.
January 7, 2009
it is ok
let me tell you a story of 'i remember'
i remember you taking me to the highlands.
i remember playing peek-a-boo with you. i peeked, you booed.
the grills, the props. the hotel, my playroom.
flowers abound. the air was cool. i remember playing peek-a-boo with you.
i remember you taking me to swim. the best was suppers afterwards.
eating hot, hand-tossed dough at 11 at night. for a child, it was wonderland indeed.
i remember you teaching me to drive. barely 18, i maneuvered a 4W drive.
accelerate, brake, release, balance, the manual gear was horror to me.
i remember you taking me shopping. i wanted shoes. i wanted perfume. i wanted all a girl could want. you bought me my first heels, lilac slinky ones, i remember it well.
i remember you checking on me at nights. still making sure i'm all covered up,snug as a bug, you checked and left your imprint.
i remember i cried. i called you and cried because i racked up the phone bill, monumentally. all you said was 'it is ok.... just don't do it again'.
it is ok....
it will be.
it has to be.
i remember you taking me to the highlands.
i remember playing peek-a-boo with you. i peeked, you booed.
the grills, the props. the hotel, my playroom.
flowers abound. the air was cool. i remember playing peek-a-boo with you.
i remember you taking me to swim. the best was suppers afterwards.
eating hot, hand-tossed dough at 11 at night. for a child, it was wonderland indeed.
i remember you teaching me to drive. barely 18, i maneuvered a 4W drive.
accelerate, brake, release, balance, the manual gear was horror to me.
i remember you taking me shopping. i wanted shoes. i wanted perfume. i wanted all a girl could want. you bought me my first heels, lilac slinky ones, i remember it well.
i remember you checking on me at nights. still making sure i'm all covered up,snug as a bug, you checked and left your imprint.
i remember i cried. i called you and cried because i racked up the phone bill, monumentally. all you said was 'it is ok.... just don't do it again'.
it is ok....
it will be.
it has to be.
January 6, 2009
baby .... dog??
today at lunch, i nearly choked to death.
was with my colleagues when suddenly this young lady walked by carrying an odd 'thing'. at first glance, it looked like a soft toy. upon closer inspection, it turned out to be live dog. a very small one. a cross between a cocker spaniel and hush puppy. it was cute but i felt sorry for it.
it was 2 in the afternoon, sunny, hot and the poor dog was decked out in, [be ready] clothes, a cowboy hat with pink and turquoise feathers [utterly ridiculous] AND shoes ?!?!?!? it was a dog!! dogs should not wear shoes. it had on 4 red and white sneakers and i'm not joking. the cowboy hat with feathers was bad enough but shoes on a dog! it was bad. i couldn't stop laughing and i really felt for the dog. the dog should have bit his owner. or run away.
and then my boss told us something funnier. apparently, there's a couple at the place where he stays, who walks their dog ... IN A PRAM. yup. they put the dog in a pram, and wheel him around the park.
seriously. what is the world coming to! if you want a baby, have a baby! if you want a dog, let it be a dog!
just because we human beings have identity crises does not mean that we should force our ridiculous expectations on nature!
was with my colleagues when suddenly this young lady walked by carrying an odd 'thing'. at first glance, it looked like a soft toy. upon closer inspection, it turned out to be live dog. a very small one. a cross between a cocker spaniel and hush puppy. it was cute but i felt sorry for it.
it was 2 in the afternoon, sunny, hot and the poor dog was decked out in, [be ready] clothes, a cowboy hat with pink and turquoise feathers [utterly ridiculous] AND shoes ?!?!?!? it was a dog!! dogs should not wear shoes. it had on 4 red and white sneakers and i'm not joking. the cowboy hat with feathers was bad enough but shoes on a dog! it was bad. i couldn't stop laughing and i really felt for the dog. the dog should have bit his owner. or run away.
and then my boss told us something funnier. apparently, there's a couple at the place where he stays, who walks their dog ... IN A PRAM. yup. they put the dog in a pram, and wheel him around the park.
seriously. what is the world coming to! if you want a baby, have a baby! if you want a dog, let it be a dog!
just because we human beings have identity crises does not mean that we should force our ridiculous expectations on nature!
January 5, 2009
baby talk
was talking to a high school girlfriend my age. a very close friend who had her first baby two months back.
grace: your baby is SO cute! so smiley. i want one ....
mei : get one!!
hmmmm yeah. if only it's like shopping.
i'm in trouble. ALL, ok not all. nearly all my girl friends are having babies. i'm not that old am i ....?
mei's very adorable daughter. so adorable i want to kidnap her and/or make one myself
grace: your baby is SO cute! so smiley. i want one ....
mei : get one!!
hmmmm yeah. if only it's like shopping.
i'm in trouble. ALL, ok not all. nearly all my girl friends are having babies. i'm not that old am i ....?
mei's very adorable daughter. so adorable i want to kidnap her and/or make one myself
remember
why do you think we remember things?
why do you think memories are important?
a wise man once said that we are to write down all that has happened. prepare feasts to celebrate, memorials to mark certain occasions; birth, death, anniversaries, triumphs and defeat. for what? just so there would be a day off? just so there would be something to do?
not really.
as we struggle and fight to cope with the demands of modern life and what it throws at us, we easily forget the simple delights in life - gifts we received. unexpected surprises. victories. growth. moments of overcoming adversities. a fleeting glimpse of something beyond. gentle touches. soft nudges. whispers of love. promises of eternity.
we remember so that when all we see is darkness, we will have something to stand on.
we remember so that when nothing seems real in this world of fantasy, we will have something to draw from.
" let your heart keep my commands;
For length of days and long life
And peace they will add to you.
Let not mercy and truth forsake you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart .... "
oh yes, i suffer from memory loss from time to time. in fact, sometimes, i even choose not to remember.
in fact, for the past few days, i have felt like snapping. as wonderful as life is, and believe me, life in this city is just ridiculously tempting and beautiful; the euphoria. the giddiness it offers .... but as wonderful as everything SEEMS to be, i still wondered, "what for?". and yes, the past few days, i considered going psycho. i considered breaking down. i considered giving up. what in the world am i holding on to???
when it's so easy to just look at the bleakness or temporal thrill of the moment, something as distant as last month or last year no longer seem real. the line between truth and illusion no longer exist. He no longer seems possible. He no longer feels real.
in such a world as this, do we really need Him anymore? is that ... real??
"write them on the tablet of your heart" - i love that. you know what?
i have a heart.
and there IS a place for His promises. there's a place for His word. there's a place for miracles. for Joy, Love and Peace.
you think that's not real? well. remember. then choose.
so remember.
why do you think memories are important?
a wise man once said that we are to write down all that has happened. prepare feasts to celebrate, memorials to mark certain occasions; birth, death, anniversaries, triumphs and defeat. for what? just so there would be a day off? just so there would be something to do?
not really.
as we struggle and fight to cope with the demands of modern life and what it throws at us, we easily forget the simple delights in life - gifts we received. unexpected surprises. victories. growth. moments of overcoming adversities. a fleeting glimpse of something beyond. gentle touches. soft nudges. whispers of love. promises of eternity.
we remember so that when all we see is darkness, we will have something to stand on.
we remember so that when nothing seems real in this world of fantasy, we will have something to draw from.
" let your heart keep my commands;
For length of days and long life
And peace they will add to you.
Let not mercy and truth forsake you;
Bind them around your neck,
Write them on the tablet of your heart .... "
oh yes, i suffer from memory loss from time to time. in fact, sometimes, i even choose not to remember.
in fact, for the past few days, i have felt like snapping. as wonderful as life is, and believe me, life in this city is just ridiculously tempting and beautiful; the euphoria. the giddiness it offers .... but as wonderful as everything SEEMS to be, i still wondered, "what for?". and yes, the past few days, i considered going psycho. i considered breaking down. i considered giving up. what in the world am i holding on to???
when it's so easy to just look at the bleakness or temporal thrill of the moment, something as distant as last month or last year no longer seem real. the line between truth and illusion no longer exist. He no longer seems possible. He no longer feels real.
in such a world as this, do we really need Him anymore? is that ... real??
"write them on the tablet of your heart" - i love that. you know what?
i have a heart.
and there IS a place for His promises. there's a place for His word. there's a place for miracles. for Joy, Love and Peace.
you think that's not real? well. remember. then choose.
so remember.
January 4, 2009
on the brink and teetering
i'm teetering on the edge of ... insanity and conventionality.
subconsciously stressed to the max. i know i am. because as i lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, i subconsciously grind my teeth. i never do that. and now, i'm doing it while still awake. how terrible is that?
everyday is an exercise of faith, hope and illusion. i'm stressed subconsciously. i tell myself i'm not but everyday my mind wanders and worries about dad. about the condition of his body. about probabilities. about consequences. it doesn't help that he's not being very co-operative.
usually, i'm well able to handle challenges and difficulties. either i face them and deal with them, or i shelf them away and handle them another day. but when it comes to something that is beyond my control, beyond my monitoring and beyond my grasp, what do i do?
i can't box it up. i can't block it out. i can only tell myself not to worry.
but isn't that delusion at its best? isn't that running away? not thinking about something does not make it less real. not thinking about it also does not make it go away.
maybe, out of it all, i find that i do, perhaps, have some form of strength in me. i can, perhaps, weather the storms life throw at me. but at what cost?
sure the sun will shine again. no storm is forever. but when will this be over?
will we break before the break comes?
subconsciously stressed to the max. i know i am. because as i lay in bed waiting for sleep to come, i subconsciously grind my teeth. i never do that. and now, i'm doing it while still awake. how terrible is that?
everyday is an exercise of faith, hope and illusion. i'm stressed subconsciously. i tell myself i'm not but everyday my mind wanders and worries about dad. about the condition of his body. about probabilities. about consequences. it doesn't help that he's not being very co-operative.
usually, i'm well able to handle challenges and difficulties. either i face them and deal with them, or i shelf them away and handle them another day. but when it comes to something that is beyond my control, beyond my monitoring and beyond my grasp, what do i do?
i can't box it up. i can't block it out. i can only tell myself not to worry.
but isn't that delusion at its best? isn't that running away? not thinking about something does not make it less real. not thinking about it also does not make it go away.
maybe, out of it all, i find that i do, perhaps, have some form of strength in me. i can, perhaps, weather the storms life throw at me. but at what cost?
sure the sun will shine again. no storm is forever. but when will this be over?
will we break before the break comes?
January 3, 2009
truly web-ed
boss : grace ... you know, i'm going to rely on you to maintain the website. i want you to take over the website.
grace : i'm going to die. can i die now. oh no!!!! [ok, i didn't say it, i thought it. my heart was screaming but i merely smiled and nodded]
oh my god. how did this happen!?!?! i can't do it. just because i TRIED to and DID manage to do it, doesn't mean i like it or am good at it. i rather run through fire and sky dive than navigate those non-english things. seriously.
this is so wrong :(
i don't even know what java script means! come on! i know what java beans are. java coffee, yes i love. but what in the world is java script. and honestly, i don't think i need it. it'll not affect my life.
and my brother! he's the tech guy in the family. but even he gave up trying to explain to me something [i forgot what]. i wanted to buy a laptop. i wanted to buy a super high-tech phone. but we all agree i'm better off buying heels and bags than those things i can't figure out.
oh no!!! the website.
god help me. either make it so that the website will miraculously be updated all the time or just zap my brain so i'm suddenly a professor. please.
grace : i'm going to die. can i die now. oh no!!!! [ok, i didn't say it, i thought it. my heart was screaming but i merely smiled and nodded]
oh my god. how did this happen!?!?! i can't do it. just because i TRIED to and DID manage to do it, doesn't mean i like it or am good at it. i rather run through fire and sky dive than navigate those non-english things. seriously.
this is so wrong :(
i don't even know what java script means! come on! i know what java beans are. java coffee, yes i love. but what in the world is java script. and honestly, i don't think i need it. it'll not affect my life.
and my brother! he's the tech guy in the family. but even he gave up trying to explain to me something [i forgot what]. i wanted to buy a laptop. i wanted to buy a super high-tech phone. but we all agree i'm better off buying heels and bags than those things i can't figure out.
oh no!!! the website.
god help me. either make it so that the website will miraculously be updated all the time or just zap my brain so i'm suddenly a professor. please.
i'm not You yet ....
was talking to a friend yesterday and he was saying how i should give this group of people another chance ... try again and just ... not write them off.
it's not that i didn't try. you see, i believe very strongly in love. love someone despite of ... love someone because ... love someone even though .... and all that angelic stuff. corinthians 13 i know. galatians 5? yes i remember. so i try. over and over, i put myself out there and try never to let things affect me too personally. of course things do affect me. i'm human. and i'm emotional. but i usually get over it and reason that humans are faulty. but despite everything, humans are good.
some say i'm naive. but hey, let's give everyone a chance ok?
BUT then you see, despite all my very rational justifications, i do still get tired.
when you give and give and give, you tend to feel drained.
with family, there rarely is any other choice. they are family. so no matter how much you [or i] want to strangle/kill/just shake their heads off, i eventually have to calm down and accept that no one is alike and therefore i can't expect everyone to react and respond the way i do.
but with non family, here's the question. how much is too much?
do i really have to give till my blood runs dry? when do i say enough is enough?
why can't i give up?
ouch. ok. HE says that He loved. and despite everything we did, do and will do, He still loves us. He gave us chances again and again. we screw up. we turn away. we do unspeakable and illogical things but we are still allowed to go back when we really do.
so .... sigh. yes yes i know. i'm trying here. i'm just not You yet.
it's not that i didn't try. you see, i believe very strongly in love. love someone despite of ... love someone because ... love someone even though .... and all that angelic stuff. corinthians 13 i know. galatians 5? yes i remember. so i try. over and over, i put myself out there and try never to let things affect me too personally. of course things do affect me. i'm human. and i'm emotional. but i usually get over it and reason that humans are faulty. but despite everything, humans are good.
some say i'm naive. but hey, let's give everyone a chance ok?
BUT then you see, despite all my very rational justifications, i do still get tired.
when you give and give and give, you tend to feel drained.
with family, there rarely is any other choice. they are family. so no matter how much you [or i] want to strangle/kill/just shake their heads off, i eventually have to calm down and accept that no one is alike and therefore i can't expect everyone to react and respond the way i do.
but with non family, here's the question. how much is too much?
do i really have to give till my blood runs dry? when do i say enough is enough?
why can't i give up?
ouch. ok. HE says that He loved. and despite everything we did, do and will do, He still loves us. He gave us chances again and again. we screw up. we turn away. we do unspeakable and illogical things but we are still allowed to go back when we really do.
so .... sigh. yes yes i know. i'm trying here. i'm just not You yet.
January 2, 2009
writing
i've been staring at the screen for the past ... one hour
my desk calendar is still the year 2008
my second glass of coffee is half full [yes glass, i don't like hot drinks]
the straw is half chewed
and i still can't come up with a coherent paragraph.
so i've concluded this,
writing is 80% research and 20% inspiration
writing is 90% hard work and 10% luck
writing is 70% correction, 20% coherence and only 10% flawless
writing is at times 100% satisfying
and most times 100% pure torture.
my desk calendar is still the year 2008
my second glass of coffee is half full [yes glass, i don't like hot drinks]
the straw is half chewed
and i still can't come up with a coherent paragraph.
so i've concluded this,
writing is 80% research and 20% inspiration
writing is 90% hard work and 10% luck
writing is 70% correction, 20% coherence and only 10% flawless
writing is at times 100% satisfying
and most times 100% pure torture.
come the new year
as the new year dawns, realization dawns as well
i didn't know it
but maybe, maybe i'm waiting
i am waiting for you
now that i know
do you?
i am waiting for you
i really am
i didn't know it
but maybe, maybe i'm waiting
i am waiting for you
now that i know
do you?
i am waiting for you
i really am
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