the heart of it all

took time today to think. no socializing. no going out. just quiet. just me.

i wanted to take stock of ... things. it's the first day of another new month. more than half the year's gone and it's scary. time is flying by so fast. i don't just want it to pass through. there's a beautiful poem that talks about us 'just passing through'. it's beautifully written but if you ask me, i don't want to be just passing through. i want something more significant. something more lasting.

and i was thinking, do we perhaps all have a 'self destruct' mode in us? i've always believed that we are all good. yes, i hold to this philosophy (or self delusion) that at the bottom of our hearts, we are all good. we end up being scheming, manipulative and mean people because of circumstances. well but that's a totally different argument.

but like i was saying, perhaps we do have a kind of 'self destruct' mode in us. because i question why i do or not do certain things. and after that, we justify, reason and try to just cover it up, again, lying to ourselves ultimately.

it's not like i've done anything. haha. nope. i haven't but i'm just thinking.

have you ever just wanted to be nasty? stay away from totally nice people. picking fights (mentally or verbally). getting yourself worked up over nothing. one of those everything's-wrong-i-just-want-to-go-mad kind of days.

what's with the Dr.Jeckyll and Hyde syndrome I wonder.

what's in us?

a very wise man wrote that 'the heart is deceitful above all things'. that there is nothing good in us. eeeww, that's true isn't it?

a scary fact. but true