when all things blur

i dreamed of a path
of a walk called love
cobbled and rough
relentlessly tough

i skipped along
i tripped and tumbled
often i would sit and wonder

where is he
the voice i heard
where is he
whose touch i felt

i stand
i hobble
and off i wander again

the path i dreamed
the walk i see
the end will come
when tears run dry

of pain and sorrow
of tears of joy
of love and strength
i will embrace

wisdom
patience
encircle
enfold

walk with me and let me love
hold my hands when all things blur

i'll sit
i'll wait
i'll hope
i'll stay

just hold my hands
when all things blur

life as it is

25th Sept, KL - i visited a young man of 20. he's battling a relapse of leukemia. only 20 but the pain he's in daily, the uncertainy, the bleakness of life ....

25th Sept, UK - a friend told me her husband of eight years walked out of their marriage. not that it's his first time cheating on her but the horror of knowing someone you vowed to live forever with betraying you; the insensitivity of the act of cheating intentionally; the realization that someone you believed in isn't who he seems.
[and while we're on this subject, i totally despise such people. if you're uncommitted and if both parties are actually not pretending to be in a relationship, that's relatively understandable but to be in a committed relationship/marriage and then to cheat on the other party is just unacceptable! it's disgusting even to just go around sleeping with different people and then putting on a facade of normality and nonchalance. just downright despicable]

25th Sept, US - a friend spinning in clubs as usual. partying ... living the life, probably walking down 5th Avenue, going into starbucks for that plastic cup of verbally-challenging-order.

25th Sept, KL - another friend cheating on his fiancee. his justification is that he doesn't actually commit the act; just everything else leading to it.

25th Sept, China - two dear friends of mine working hard; sharing, bringing change.

25th Sept, KL - a primary school friend (my age) gave birth, to her second daughter! second!!

25th Sept, KL - me. going about life as usual.

as i think about my friends all around the world; UK. Ireland. Europe. SA. US. Asia. i can't help but be amazed at how 'life goes on'. here, i may be wondering what to do next, where to go, whom to see and at the exact minute, somewhere halfway across the world, my friend's life and heart lie in pieces. or maybe, i'm working in the office, oblivious to the world outside and right that minute, someone else is battling for his life.

i wonder at the inter-connectivity.
i wonder at how insignificant we are in the big picture of the world, or even the universe.
i wonder at life. what are we doing?? what do we leave behind? (that's if we do)
i wonder at how and why we sometimes let the unnecessaries of life consume what matters
and i wonder, at the awesome power of the one holding the threads of our lives

stand

could i walk away
when all you've done is wait

you called my name
you held me close
you whispered to my heart

i heard your voice
i felt your touch
i know you kept your word

chaos,
laughter,
voices all around

beguiling,
drawing,
illusion surrounds

i wait
i hope
i bring your words to mind

you're true
you're eternal
the only one called Light

is that all?

a funny thought struck me when i was at yet another one of my endless dinner/events the other night.

in the world, especially at 'work@social' events, i noticed that people introduce themselves by title and where they work at, more than anything else. it is as if that carries more weight than who you actually are. there's more to me than just which company i'm with or who i married/ am dating you know.

and the sad truth is, that IS the way of life. it's like, the more glamorous a company you're with, the more weight you carry. people automatically associate where you work with how important you are. for example. i'm from;

louis vuitton - "oh, glamorous! very very important"
ricoh - "oh printer, office appliances; kinda important...."
ESPN - "VIP. what else?"
coach - "handbags! yeah"
jimmy choo - "definitely important"
mercedes, BMW, vovlvo - "VIP. must stick with them the entire night"
some book company - "not important. bye"
some local, home-grown business- "not important. see you around"
media - "very important. make sure your sentences are all carefully constructed. publicity!"
hsbc - "oooh a bank. yes, important. sponsors!"
cartier - "diamonds! goodies"

and the list goes on.... it's worse if said person comes with a title. in fact, you won't even be there if you're not attached to someplace/ someone deemed important.
haha. i know i know, it's all work and fun. but seriously, as people went around introducing themselves and mingling, i wondered, is that all?

what was it again?

* in addition to the earlier post ....

just came home from yet another event+dinner and i was unwinding, trying to read a little. i've always had a strong 'recall' memory. i remember most things and i can quickly recall whatever i put away in my mind.

but just now, i suddenly asked myself what i was wearing to the dinner and i was shocked, mildly, that i had absolutely no idea. i was like, oh no! i can't even remember what i wore two hours ago? something i've been wearing the entire day and i can't recall it? i must be VERY tired. either that or i'm just .... ermmm .... what?

i'm not being hard on myself but really, time to realign.

eat better

every month, by this time, i would have read the articles and every other page of the magazine a thousand times. taxing sometimes as i can't speedread and reading the same article over and over again can be quite a task. i love it but by the end of the day, i'm also quite ready to move on.

the thing is, i love reading. and every night, i'd read for a while. but nowadays, i find myself going for fiction and light reading because my mind can't seem to comprehend much after hours of reading at work. anything 'deep' just doesn't make sense.

the problem now is, because of my steady diet of such 'snacks', i find myself spiritually 'losing weight'. it's true, we are what we eat. what we feed ourselves and allow to absorb, that's what will be within us. ever notice how advertisers are really subtle? they surround (actually, they bombard) us with pictures and songs that lodge themselves in our mind.

once in a while, i do this mental thing where i imagine the 'rubbish bin' icon on the desktop. i visualize chucking in all such pictures, tunes and info and clicking delete. i think, in a wise man's words, it's called 'aligning your thoughts' so that only that which matters remains. fix your thoughts on things above.

and yeah, i realized that because i've been feeding my mind junk, i'm losing weight spiritually and emotionally. and believe me, in the long run, it really is not worth it. so ... really gotta do some spring cleaning.

of this nation

do you know we care?
do you taste the fear?
do you hear our cries?
do you see the pain?

can you touch the people?
can you show us that you care?

love the people
please, just, love the people

sun, oh sun

what is wrong with the weather
it is SO blazing hot i'm positive i'm melting
or at least, being baked. i'm sure that's what's happening
it's not just amazingly sunny, it is burning hot
feels like 'malaysia warming', not global warming
must go save more trees

of the knowledge of good and evil....

someone i know mentioned in passing that his 7 year old daughter wanted to use the computer. nothing out of the ordinary right? true. but then, as i ruminated on this last night, i realized that nowadays, it's no surprise for a 4 year old kid to use the computer, surf the internet.... i was only introduced to the wonders of the world wide web at ... what? 15/16? *grimaces*

and i was thinking, how do you control what a child is exposed to online? even for us adults who are seemingly sane, educated people, we most of the time have no control over what is imposed on us; ads that pop up, dodgy invitations and malicious news spread. how do we ensure that children are not exposed to such horrors?

even for us, the only way we stay sane in an insane virtual world where reality and illusion is a blur, is by staying focused and balanced. we have to know what's right and what's wrong. but then, most adults don't even seem to be able to clearly define that. how much more can children do so?

a long long time ago, a wise being said ... "the fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil ...do not eat" i feel that by wanting to appear superior and wise in our own eyes, we opened ourselves to more harm and damage.

of course i love the power of our mind. it amazes me and i love learning but wouldn't it be a bliss if we didn't have to worry ourselves to death and complicate our lives so unnecessarily?

never was

friends have always called me a carefree girl. i seem to have no stress, never feel depressed, rarely get dragged or bogged down by the doom and gloom of the world. i thought so too. but today, as i sit and scroll through the national and world news, i wonder.

how does one maintain a certain joie-de-vivre (yeah, my tagline) when the world is literally going to hell? in the past two months alone, i've witnessed deathly accidents and heard of personal accounts of muggings, robberies and attacks more than i've ever had in my life. and it's not just national. the world news is not any more uplifting. life is truly not getting any better is it?

i was saying to a friend how we used to have 5-year plans, or a 10-year plan. but now, i bet no one speaks of that anymore. we don't even know where we'll be 5 months from now, let alone 5 years.

perhaps we could retreat and go into denial. go about life as if nothing is happening, not caring about what IS happening and just pretend that all that matters is me, myself and i.

or maybe as a friend pointed out, we can just jump off a building since everyone seems to think that ending their life is the only option. the 'pick and jump' syndrome. is it really the solution?

pessimistic is not me, but my heart breaks for those who think that there's no other way. i have what i call the 'elder sister syndrome'. i'm the eldest daughter, with a younger brother and sister. from young, dad and mum taught me to be independant, responsible, thorough and dutiful. until now, i'm what my sister calls a neat-freak. i make sure everything is done. i worry about everyone in the family until i see and know they're safe (daily!). i arrange things and events so that they'll work out nicely (in my own opinion). i organize. i plan. i fret. i fuss. everything has to align. everything has to be perfect.

yes, to have a sense of responsibility is good but thank god that honestly, in life, we don't have to shoulder everything. learning to let go was the best thing i've ever learned. one of the most liberating lessons.

not everyone thinks alike. not everyone wants the same thing.

at times, i wondered if my newly acquired point of view would cause me to be perceived as a really really naive person. how silly is she? how naive and innocent? doesn't she know that she'll be taken advantage of? teased? perhaps. but does it matter? who does it hurt? i think, at the end of the day, if what was done was done with a pure conscience and with the utmost love, then that's what counts.

life would be happier.
life would be better.
if we just let go and not take the world upon our shoulders
that was never meant to be our responsibility.

our families, our friends, loved ones, our future, life .... yes we care but it was never our responsibility, never our 'charge'

trust and just live. LIVE
isn't that a better life?

Mid Autumn

according to the chinese lunar calendar, it's Mid Autumn today when Mid Autumn Festival is celebrated, popularly known as the Mooncake Festival. Generally, families would gather together for dinner.

it is also a time when children run around with colorful lanterns and families meet to eat delicious mooncakes with sweet or savory fillings. it was the only time of the year when children are allowed to stay up late and play with colorful lanterns. some carry colored lanterns in the shape of animals, while others carry traditional round paper lanterns which are my favourite. Sadly, nowadays children buy battery operated plastic lanterns which just doesn't do it.

folklore says that the myth related to the Mooncake Festival involves the immortal Chang Er who lives on the moon. She was very beautiful and people celebrate her beauty during the mooncake festival, when the moon is at its brightest and roundest -on the 15th of eight lunar month.

historically, it is also the 'Moonlit Uprising'. in the 14th century, the Han Chinese overthrew the Mongols in a carefully planned uprising. the success of this uprising lies in these little mooncakes. small pastries with a secret message outlining the plan was hidden inside the pastries and distributed. lantern wielding rebels distributed the pastries at night in a well disguised wedding celebration. as outlined in the secret message, the Han Chinese executed a surprise attack on the Mongols. according to records, the full moon on the Mid Autumn Festival shone brightly on the pathways to guide the rebels through the maze of the palace. so since then, mooncakes and lanterns are used each year to honor the new dynasty and the auspiscious moon.

when i was young, my family and a few close families would meet together on this night. the adults would chat, play mahjong, drink tea and just eat mooncake while we children run around, lighting candles and carrying lanterns till very late (according to a child's mind). it was fun. we looked forward to it and it reminds us of the 2nd most important festival in the chinese lunar calendar.

but now, i realized that besides the commercializing of the festival where moooncakes are sold at exorbitant prices, no one seems to bother as much.

sad indeed.

tie a thread around your third finger....

i've been really busy (always am around this time of the month) but this is something funny and endearing, i must write it down.

i was lying down in my room, with the lights turned down .... i had a warm cloth on my right eye because i kinda think i'm getting an eye infection. not think, actually will soon because the area around my right eye feels a little tender and being the compulsive-organizer that i am (will write about THAT when i'm feeling better), i checked it up and yes, it's the symptom of eye infection. anyway, i had a hot cloth pressed onto my eye as instruced by my doctor friend and dad came into my room.

dad: what are you doing?
me: i think i'm going to get an eye infection
dad: you think?? ok ... tie a black thread round your finger then
me: what?!? -.- no way! it's an eye infection. what's the logic of that? how is a piece of black thread (yeah, has to be black) on my finger going to stop the infection?
dad: just tie la. no one's going to see it
me: but i'd feel stupid...it's not logical .... and i don't believe in such stuff....

but i allowed dad to do it anyway. it's funny and sweet. and because yeah, it is an old chinese mid-wife belief that if you have something like that, tie a black thread round your third finger. must be third finger too.

of course, i really really can't figure out the logic of it and how that little piece of thred will stop the thing but i think it's sweet that such little 'beliefs' still exist. it makes us laugh. it also reminds us that hey, there were generations of folks before us who lived like that, very simply. and they lived! happily too.

for us modern folks; sadly, we're so technologically advanced that everything's steel, metal and high-tech gadgets.
so cold. so impersonal. a true loss indeed.

there were three sisters....

there were three sisters.... "One loved the money, one loved the power, and one loved the country" (一個愛錢、一個愛權、一個愛國).

i love this quote. so intriguing and so true. i feel that it reveals the nature of our hearts. the depth of it.

dream

i was thinking, if i wasn't a writer, i'd be a 'baker' (i sound 'half baked'). but yes, seriously, if i wasn't a writer, that would be my next career/life path. i love being a writer but ...

to dream of a beautiful bakery cum cafe, i'd concoct delicious creations all day long. bake whatever suits my fancy that day. dream of beautiful new wonders. play around with cream, sugar and flour. have people visit and eat in a wonderland. serve good coffee; surrounded by delicious aromas every minute of the day. sigh ....

dream. just a dream.

coz being the realist, reality pokes at me (more like stab actually). what about the bills? the stock balance? in-flow, out-flow, staffing? ... eeewww, yucks.

but that's what we need isn't it? i think to keep our mental state balanced, to keep hope and vision in us alive, we need to dream the impossible sometimes. feed the fantasy within. stay connected to your childhood whims.
but of course, don't go overboard. i'm talking about the pure and fun. nothing wicked. haha.

so, dream.

if my heart was whole

if my heart was whole, i'd sing for you
if my heart was whole, i'd dance for you
if my heart was whole, i'd weep for you
if my heart was whole, i'd die for you
if my heart was whole, i'd live for you

El

as the country continues its daily sensationalism and ‘politicking’, i remind myself again and again, ‘focus, grace. focus’.

i love my country. but i love humanity more. big word? maybe but not actually. no one uses it anymore but i believe that it’s an integral word we should never ever forget. for a word lover like myself, words mean a lot to me. in fact, the world, as we believe, was created as He spoke....

malaysia malaysia, where is it going? i don’t know. but what i do know is this; we were born where we are for a reason; a purpose. we are equals, everyone of us the same. despite our race (which is merely a heritage and culture, not a ‘distinguishing factor’), colour, beliefs and language, we really are, beneath it all, just the same - humans who live in the same place and breathe the same air.

maybe it’s naivete but i do think that we all just want the same thing at the end.

so why the differentiation? why the segregation? why the struggles? why the inability to comprehend universal truths? the truth of tolerance. the truth of acceptance. peace. joy. love.

eeewww. can’t or don’t want to?

focus, grace. focus.

food for the heart, soul and mind

sometimes, we just need to unwind
so, feast!

i'm not political. i just love humanity - grace

just that

a friend was asking me again, "are you that patriotic?"

hmmm, define patriotic? not literally define. but tell me, what does a patriotic person do? wave a flag around all the time? spout patriotic messages every few seconds? gets involved in political parties? stage demonstrations? if so, no i'm not.

but, i love malaysia despite everything. i want to see the country prosper. i want to see the people of this nation love their homeland. i want to see the people of this nation move forward; technologically, intellectually, socially, culturally. i want our unique heritage preserved. history remembered. i want to see longevity in this beautiful land. i want there to still be a malaysia in generations to come. i want people to realize what beauty this land has. i want to see people love and truly live.

me, patriotic?

i don't know. i just want to love.

history despite ....

i'm once again engrossed in reading a totally different story of the last dowager empress of China. from young, i've been drawn to her life and the history of china. i love history; the history of every nation, culture and people, especially people who have made significant changes. but empress Ci xi has always attracted me. possibly because she was the last empress. or maybe because she was a notable female figure. either way, all the books about her that i've read before always portrayed how power-mad, cruel and manipulating she is. the one i'm reading right now is totally different. it tells her story. and in it, it shares her loneliness, her desire for good and most of all, her grief. we never really think about it but as i read, i imagine.

i imagine. it must not have been easy for a young woman to be practically enslaved within four walls, alone most of the time, without the love of her life and no hope of ever being in love and loved in return. to have to worry and shoulder the responsibility of ruling and maintaining one of the largest empires of that time. to be judged all the time. ridiculed and plotted against. and she had no friends at all. what a nightmare. i mean, i worked in the modern day corporate world and ran a place of .... 800 members and a sizeable staff - that was tough! i breathed and lived worrying about everything constantly; every action, every word, consequences, perceptions of others.... imagine ruling a nation. and all alone at that. who could have really felt what she felt? and who could really say whether she had it in her to do good or not.

and you know, as i read, i also wondered. how different is it today?

Maya Angelou said, "History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again"

does our generation have that courage?

that thing called principle, remember it?

"We let our beliefs cloud our judgement". we practice “confirmation bias” meaning we favour information that supports one’s own views.

"When a politician (or blogger) says what you want to hear, it’s the truth. When he doesn’t, it’s a damned lie. When the mainstream media misses a story, it’s because they’re trying to cover it up; when the alternative media misses it, it’s because they didn’t have the resources."

it is so unfortunately true and i just love it. mainstream media? alternative media? i wonder which category i fall into. hmmmm, was i ever mainstream though? and anyway, who defines what's mainstream and what's alternative? again, just because it doesn't fit the general mould, it's alternative? it's radical? tell me, what is radical?

what about if we look at it from the 'alternative' point of view? they could be the mainstrem one and the other party the alternative. i think we've 'progressed' (or regressed, thus the " ") so much that there is not much black and white left. in fact, there are a million shades of grey in between. the line between what's what is so blurred, or so overlooked, that it ceased to exist at some point of society. line? what line? what definition? society has moved on so much that probably, and scarily, no one seems to bother to stand on that ground called principle any longer

right way, wrong way

earlier i was lying on my bed and a thought came to me; why do we sleep in the 'right way'?

why can't we sleep diagonally or horizontally? what about the other way around? facing the wall or the head of the bed instead. haha i know i sound odd. i haven't lost my mind but i really was wondering about that.

and i was thinking, what if, i put my baby to sleep diagonally (wayyy in the future when i DO have a baby)? will he/she grow up sleeping diagonally? in the center of the bed? the other way around?

it's all about a conditioned mindset isn't it?

change change, change. just change

we all quote the phrase "change is the only thing permanent" from time to time; we think it, we know it and perhaps sometimes, we believe it but admit it, i think that we still, most of us, do not really like it when it happens. no?

i like change. i do. but i also hate it when i'm 'in the process of changing'. it's easy to agree with it, talk about it and even discuss the hows and whys. but when you get down to it, it's really darn uncomfortable. it's always such the case for me anyway.

take thursday for example. at work, i've been using a laptop and my colleague was telling me how i should switch to a new desktop. now, that's really inconvenient because as writers, we have hundreds and thousands of documents and files backed up which we'll have to transfer (that takes a looonnnng time). i've also selected pretty wallpapers, icons and what-nots on my laptop. to switch?? not to mention the physical labour of unplugging, plugging, crawling under desks, moving and re-arranging. but my logical brain tells me, go for it, change is good. so despite my heart telling me otherwise, i moved everything. and it IS good, better even.

oh and for example, facebook. most of us who use it should know by now that it's being changed to a new layout. i love the old one better. it's compact, neat and i know where everything is. the new one? i'll have to re-learn, re-adjust and just 're-everything'.

a small thing perhaps but it nontheless drives home the point that, we often refuse change because we THINK it's inconvenient but the heart of the issue is really that we're afraid of the unknown.

i read a book about a mouse and a cheese once. haha. ok ok. it's 'who moved my cheese'. a kinda long-winded story about a simple fact; change is unknown but often better for us.

so yes, uncomfortable perhaps. but that's just your comfort zone talking. so nudge it away, budge a little, and see the better ;)

and here comes the weekend....

sun girl

had to go out to take some pictures just now.
when i walked out of the office, the sun was shining brightly. it was beautiful, very warm and everything looked 'golden'. if i was being fanciful, i'd say that the sun fairies must have come out to play after the rain and painted everything gold again.

i literally stopped and sighed. i stood for a moment in the warmth and i wanted too to just spread my arms and 'feel' the moment. but well, not right in front of the office i guess.

it's been raining so much lately, that today, it was just beautiful. so often, we are so cooped-up in our offices, we never ever 'just go out'. we are buried under our work and surface only for air or food (stale air in fact). i hate being under the bright white lights in the office. but then, i have not much choice do i? we need the lights, what with all our reading, editing and writing. but they give me headaches, maybe imaginary headaches, haha, but i really don't like them. never liked anything artificial.

but that moment just now, it was pure delight; a 'wow' moment.

imagine, playing with fairies, sliding on sunrays ....

ok, back to reality.

still so much to do

the weather here has been very questionable. it's been raining cats and dogs nearly everyday but i thought monsoon season is over. in school, we learned that malaysia, being in the tropics, should be warm 365 days of the year. we get the showers a little and monsoon season hits at certain times of the months. generally though, it's nothing like the rain in europe or the states. we get showers. that's it. there shouldn't be too much flooding, thunderstorms or whatever-nots.

but, it's now september and from last month, i've been observing the endless rain. it was supposed to 'not be raining'. yet, it has been raining, nearly everyday. oh dear. the global weather is indeed going crazy. i read that the north pole is melting and is now just an island, in fact, there might not even be much ice left come summer.

if you really think about it, it's a really scary fact. because now, it's no longer about one country's weather (or the rain). it is a very very clear and undeniable sign that the world is not only going crazy, the earth is also telling us something....

please don't end yet, i still have so much to do.


ps. see? humans are self-centered right to the end. the world is going to end and here i am going 'I' still have so much to do .... haha. ironic.

a total day of 'blurness'

real queen of blur today
went to lunch and it rained no, i mean poured. and we had to run in the rain back to the office. i think i ended up with a slight headache. for real.

and then, around 4pm, my colleague and i got ready to leave for this event at Zouk. I confirmed the time, day and place just before we left. Right? Zouk, Velvet Underground, 4.30pm.

stuck in a jam. took hours. arrived in the pouring rain and found the place empty. absolutely empty. and we wondered why. after tonnes of calls, i found out it was at Zouk alright, but Zouk Singapore; an entire 6 hours away. or in fact, a whole country again. the worst thing is, we were, by then, right smack in the centre of KL city, at yes, 5pm - mad traffic hour. Usually, it takes me 15 minutes to get home, just now it took me one and a half hour -.-

hahaha. well. we laughed it off alright but really, it's a total day of 'blurness'

old we are not

i was saying to a friend that he's lucky he's a guy because being a guy, you get away with your age. in fact, the older you are, the higher your attraction rate climbs, whereas for girls, if you're 30 and single, oh no (heads shake). well, i'm not there yet, but imagine what it's like for a guy to say he's 30 and for a girl to say she's 30; you get different responses. for the guy, people will simply marvel and wonder at how distinguished he looks, how successful he might already be; how young still, how smart he is. for the girl, they'll wonder, if she's still single, poor girl; why is she not married yet? if she's married, her entire face and body will be scrutinized and analyzed. right?

and right after that conversation, i read a remark where this witty guy noted that "we don't need to make efforts to grow. we just do". haha so true.

time is flying by at an alarming rate. suddenly we're at the final lap of 2008 (i still remember christmas of last year for goodnes sake). suddenly, we're a year older. yes, we (or I) might not 'feel' my age. i feel probably just the same as i did two years ago, but perhaps, i HAVE changed. i HAVE grown older. i'd like to think so actually. don't tell, in fact, i wish i could buy wisdom and maturity.

maturity comes only with age. and like fine wine, it is to be appreciated and savoured. there's nothing i would give to trade what i have learnt and gained in the process of growing up. and you know what? being right smack in the first quarter of my century, i feel like it's a ... special year. different in a way i can't really explain but there's this realization ... this awareness that it's significant.

like it or not, we age. want it or not, we get older and there's just so much time left in us. how we want to live it out, how we want it to count rest on us and us alone.

we can moan and bitch through life, or we could try to make each moment count. we could live without a care in the world, or we could love deeply, laugh without abandon and yes, have our hearts break from time to time. but then, isn't that what makes life real? isn't that what makes life worthy of something? to taste. to savour. to fly. to fall.

glorious. absolutely enthralling.

so, old? we are not. just wiser i hope.

why and why not

many i talk to either don't really care, can't be bothered or think that they can't and won't make a difference in our country. in fact, more sadly, most don't even want to care because they think that either they'll leave someday or that it just plain doesn't matter.

why does it not matter???

yes, as flawed as our country is, it is STILL O U R country! i'm not here to cram patriotic messages down one's throat but really, it's like not caring about your own. whether we like it or not, we were born here, and the country belongs to us and likewise. we can't say we don't care because that'd be like saying; I'm Grace Lai but i don't care about the 'Lai' family, my own family.

yeah, the country looks like it's going nowhere. it's always a case of the futile efforts of a small group of people against the majority group of stubborn-corrupted-old-fashioned-power-crazy-selfish people. i see that too but the question is not what they are doing but what are you doing?

do we really not care if the country goes to hell? do we really not care whether the country will still stand 100 years from now? do we really not care that our children have Malaysia in the future?

you know, i've had the opportunity to travel a lot and i've been all over but i've never found a place as unique as Malaysia. as beautiful as the UK and Europe are, as enchanting as Australia is and as addictive as Hong Kong and the Far East are, they will never have what Malaysia has.

we have a nation where there are 3 major races
we grow up speaking at least 3 languages fluently; yakking, yelling, screaming in weird tongue-twisting languages is not new to us. in fact, i think the dialects of the malay, chinese and indian alone total at least 50 different tongues - at least.
we live in an integrated culture, a multi-racial community; we get to understand different traditions. we grow up practising and celebrating them together
we taste and learn about all sorts of traditional food from young. we cook together.
pasar malams are a part of our lives
eating 24/7 is our diet
shopping till 1am? we don't bat an eyelash
at times of emergencies, we DO bond and come together

pirated dvds, 'mat rempits', ipoh white coffee, penang briyani, melaka 'chicken ball rice', cendol, pahang durians, johore laksa, kedah and kelantanese rice, redang, sabah borneo, sipadan islands, 'layang layang', 'congkaks', 'batu serembans', crazy politicans, petaling street 'tai kors', temples in the middle of megamalls (think mid valley), insane bus drivers, crazy-rude motorists, indian mamaks, malay ramadhan stalls, gawking strangers, 'kepoh chinese 'aunties' and 'uncles', 'pak ciks' and 'mak ciks', ridiculous-crazy stalls, tacky arts and deco. our awesome mosques, buildings, temples, beautiful people, language, art, music and culture. sun 365 days of the year. mind-boggling road signs, hilarious tv ads. clueless waiters and employees.... - where else but Malaysia?

so why do you tell me it doesn't matter?

for the world

for him who thought otherwise;

don't be afraid to say you don't know
He'll be there to teach and enlight

don't be afraid to say you were wrong
He'll be there to right it all;
it's all a mistake
that's ok, He knows.

don't be afraid to walk the unknown
He'll be there to walk and walk ... and still, walk.

don't be afraid to cry
He'll be there to hold your tears
Comforting, He will remember.

don't be afraid to say you're weak
don't be afraid to say you're tired
He'll be there to hold you through

don't be afraid to let love in
He'll be there to mend your heart

Life is unpredictable
Wisdom, unmanageable
Love, terrifying
Fear, unfounded

Yes,
they hurt
they paralyze
they break
they shatter
But,
He knows
He sees
He touches

He guides
He leads
He teaches
He waits.

He heals
He holds

He mends
He restores
He treasures
He loves

for the world, He does.

should we or should we not?

growing up in the city, we are taught to be wary of strangers and often are very 'inward based'; meaning we stick to our own. BUT growing up reading fairytales and books of all kinds, i also always wished that our neighbourhood is more like those i read in the books; where neighbours chat and say hello; cook and bake for each other, do not suspect each other of something at every little thing and just generally are very close.

living in a 'family' residential area, i have it better than those of my friends who live in high rise condos and apartments where they hardly ever see their neighbours, much less talk to them. at least, i'm still in a very 'family based' housing area and we sort of see and acknowledge each other. in fact, all the 'aunties' and 'uncles' know everything that goes on, talk and analyze all of our (the younger ones) activities- what time we go out, what time we come back, who we go out with, whose car we come back in ....etc etc.

BUT there is this one neighbour or i should say family, that always really gets on my nerves. my room faces west and in this house behind mine, lives a psychotic family. i know it's bad of me to call them psychotic but i really think they are.

once a week, the mum would yell at the son over i-don't-know-what in a manner that is just nerve wrecking. sure, parents scolding their kids is nothing new but the way she goes on, is more like a verbal slaughter. and it's SO loud that i can hear her every single time. once, i even joked and asked my brother if we should already call the cops but he thought we should call the ambulance. haha. and really, just now, i was tempted to yell back and ask if everything is ok and if i should call the cops. well, not like the cops in our country respond to such issues.

i know, in certain cultures, this is normal; a dysfunctional family (i'm not saying they are dysfunctional. who am i to gage?) but i mean, a dysfunctional family is not something new. yet asians are notoriously egotistical people. they never want to 'lose face'. and when you hear people pratically airing their dirty laundry weekly, you can't help but wonder, what's going on.

so i was thinking... would the community thrive in an environment where no one knows what goes on, who lives next door and so on OR, should we know so much that there doesn't seem to be any personal space and privacy left?

the heart of it all

took time today to think. no socializing. no going out. just quiet. just me.

i wanted to take stock of ... things. it's the first day of another new month. more than half the year's gone and it's scary. time is flying by so fast. i don't just want it to pass through. there's a beautiful poem that talks about us 'just passing through'. it's beautifully written but if you ask me, i don't want to be just passing through. i want something more significant. something more lasting.

and i was thinking, do we perhaps all have a 'self destruct' mode in us? i've always believed that we are all good. yes, i hold to this philosophy (or self delusion) that at the bottom of our hearts, we are all good. we end up being scheming, manipulative and mean people because of circumstances. well but that's a totally different argument.

but like i was saying, perhaps we do have a kind of 'self destruct' mode in us. because i question why i do or not do certain things. and after that, we justify, reason and try to just cover it up, again, lying to ourselves ultimately.

it's not like i've done anything. haha. nope. i haven't but i'm just thinking.

have you ever just wanted to be nasty? stay away from totally nice people. picking fights (mentally or verbally). getting yourself worked up over nothing. one of those everything's-wrong-i-just-want-to-go-mad kind of days.

what's with the Dr.Jeckyll and Hyde syndrome I wonder.

what's in us?

a very wise man wrote that 'the heart is deceitful above all things'. that there is nothing good in us. eeeww, that's true isn't it?

a scary fact. but true